Raistlin's Joke Page

[Bizarra]

Subject: Cave

MEMORANDUM

From: Bin Laden, Osama

To: All Al Quieda Fighters

Subject: The Cave

Hi guys.

We’ve all been putting in long hours recently but we’ve really come together as a group and I love that. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can’t forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns -

First of all, while it’s good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily, I’ve done my bit on the cleaning rota........ have you? I’ve posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it’s not often I make a video address but when I do, I’m trying to scare most of the world population, okay? That means that while we’re taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the "Wassup’thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote

"Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That’s all I’m saying.

Fourth: I’m not against team chanting and all that, but, we must distance ourselves from the Westerner’s bat and ball games...it’s just not cricket. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" every time I ride past on the donkey. Thanks

Five: Graffitti:Whoever wrote Ossie fucks donkeys! on the group toilet wall please clean it off...it’s a lie anyway, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens, is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the "chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain" will not be accepted in future. Bestiality with non halal chicken is forbidden...there is a grey area with donkeys however.

Finally, we’ve heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar,Hammed and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug.

Os.

PS - I’m sick of having Osama’s Bed Linen scribbled on my bed sheets -

Cut it out Abdul, it’s not funny anymore.

[Bizarra]

In the Boondocks

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys fifty acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name’s Lars... Your neighbor from four miles away...Having a party Saturday... Thought you’d like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here, I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of "em."

Again, as he starts to leave Lars stops. "More "n" likely gonna be some fightin" too." Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again."

Once again, Lars turns from the door. "I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that’s not a problem," says Sam, "I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there... by the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

[Bizarra]

I no come work today

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomachache and legs hurt, I no come work.’

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.’

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........

You got nice house’

[Raistlin]

An Appeal :

Frank, 32, cannot perform.

But each and every day he is thankful that his mother isn't alive to see his condition.

Will you give Frank a fighting chance so one day he can see the sky as the limit, and not the bar ?

Wayne, 24, cannot score.

His speech is so slurred it is like he is permanently having a stroke.

Just as well, his right leg is useless.

Will you give Wayne a fighting chance so he can survive the dry spell?

For just £40,000 a week, you can sponsor a retarded English footballer like Frank and Wayne.

Your generous contribution will assist in sustaining their lavish lifestyle and hopeless careers.

Protect a totally talentless footballer from being put down...

[cfc1]

[Raistlin]

Excellent

[Bizarra]

Copied, pasted & e-mailed to my Son in Law, who was in tears last night.

Known as "Putting the boot in " which didn't happen in the match

Which reminds me. The facility for e-mailing topics from the forum is no longer available, or if it is, I can't find it Why?

[bothwell_buyer]

Copied, pasted & e-mailed to my Son in Law, who was in tears last night.

Known as "Putting the boot in " which didn't happen in the match

Which reminds me. The facility for e-mailing topics from the forum is no longer available, or if it is, I can't find it Why?

duh - I wouldn't agree with the argument that English descented people try very hard to cover up and hide their weaknesses at all. Why on earth would they enable the spread of ill-thought emails to be spread to the minor masses of the celtic nations??? I mean!!! thats what mobile phone texts are for :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

I've always said that the Italian language is not ever been the language of choice in English schools around Merseyside so why on earth employ some guy who can't speak English, has no knowledge of football at international level, and struggles to communicate with his Italian manager?

Or maybe the kingpin was Rio Ferdinand - that multi-lingual activist who suffers from acute limb-ambulation-syndrome (kick ass) restrictions?

[Raistlin]

POLICE STATEMENT

A man has been found dead in a river this morning wearing an England shirt, lacy womens knickers, fishnet stockings, suspenders,

Also he had a blow up sheep stuck to the end of his todger and a black rubber fist dildo inserted into his anus,

Police have removed the shirt to save the family any embaressment...

[bothwell_buyer]

to save costs and embarrassment, the English football team have been booked on a slow boat to China - the venue of the 2072 World Cup. Its well known that the Chinese hold their elderly in high esteem which is more than the population of England will do.

[Raistlin]

to save costs and embarrassment, the English football team have been booked on a slow boat to China - the venue of the 2072 World Cup. Its well known that the Chinese hold their elderly in high esteem which is more than the population of England will do.

I thought they were flying into Glasgow, At least there they would get a round of applause

[bothwell_buyer]

to save costs and embarrassment, the English football team have been booked on a slow boat to China - the venue of the 2072 World Cup. Its well known that the Chinese hold their elderly in high esteem which is more than the population of England will do.

I thought they were flying into Glasgow, At least there they would get a round of applause

more than that - heroes! If anybody managed to silence BBC pundits like they did..... deserve a knighthood at least!

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Wayne Rooney and an ambitious person?

The ambitious person has goals.

[Bizarra]

Copied, pasted & e-mailed to my Son in Law, who was in tears last night.

Known as "Putting the boot in " which didn't happen in the match

Which reminds me. The facility for e-mailing topics from the forum is no longer available, or if it is, I can't find it Why?

duh - I wouldn't agree with the argument that English descented people try very hard to cover up and hide their weaknesses at all. Why on earth would they enable the spread of ill-thought emails to be spread to the minor masses of the celtic nations??? I mean!!! thats what mobile phone texts are for :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

I've always said that the Italian language is not ever been the language of choice in English schools around Merseyside so why on earth employ some guy who can't speak English, has no knowledge of football at international level, and struggles to communicate with his Italian manager?

Or maybe the kingpin was Rio Ferdinand - that multi-lingual activist who suffers from acute limb-ambulation-syndrome (kick ass) restrictions?

The problem is that he IS English, from Coventry & I can't understand a word that he says He can't help his Nationality, & we make allowances for him.....sometimes :lol2:

[Raistlin]

Just bought some Dorito swimming trunks.

Might go for a dip later.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Osama Bin Laden has just appeared in a new message proving he is still alive.

He said the English football team were shit and full of excuses.

British intelligence have dismissed it saying it could have been recorded at any time during the last 40 years...

[Raistlin]

Robbers broke into a bank in Glasgow but the police sealed off all the exits.

So the robbers escaped through the entrance...

[Raistlin]

The latest telephone poll taken by the UK's Governor's office asked whether people who live in England think Polish illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No, to nie jest powazny problem."

[Bizarra]

Just bought some Dorito swimming trunks.

Might go for a dip later.

Careful if you are in the Irish Sea You might glow in the dark which would hinder your nocturnal activities :lol2:

A dip ? It might be Chilli !

[Raistlin]

In my opinion, once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

[Raistlin]

I own the piece of string that everyone queries the length of.

It's 64cm the next time anyone asks.

[Raistlin]

Just bought some Dorito swimming trunks.

Might go for a dip later.

Careful if you are in the Irish Sea You might glow in the dark which would hinder your nocturnal activities

A dip ? It might be Chilli !

I'll wear my wetsuit to keep warm if you Pimenta me...

[Bizarra]

Just bought some Dorito swimming trunks.

Might go for a dip later.

Careful if you are in the Irish Sea You might glow in the dark which would hinder your nocturnal activities

A dip ? It might be Chilli !

I'll wear my wetsuit to keep warm if you Pimenta me...

No need I'll garlic you dry & warm

[Raistlin]

The plane carrying the England team had to do a u-turn and fly back to Africa,

This was because several of the players had left their reputations behind...

[Raistlin]

At school I was often accused of eavesdropping.

I just wish they'd had the guts to say it to my face...