Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, Resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and Proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then Pointed to a small land mass and said "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Britain, the most glorious place on Earth.

There are lakes, rivers, streams, and hills.

The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world.

They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,"What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the gits I'm putting next to them in France.

[Raistlin]

Heard about the new Apple product being aimed at northeners ?

It's called the Why Ipod..

[Raistlin]

Statistics are like bikinis.

What they conceal is more important than what they reveal...

[Raistlin]

I went into my local chemist the other day, clutching my carrier bag and wandered over to the customer service desk.

"I'd like a refund please" I said.

"Sure" began the young assistant. I was most surprised as usually they need to call someone over.

I rummaged in my carrier bag noisily, and placed the bottle of sexual lubricant onto the counter.

"Are there any problems with is?" She asked with her drawn on eyebrows narrowing.

"Yes" I replied, "It's not fit for purpose"

She paused. "Not fit for purpose?" She mirrored quietly, her eyes now narrowing.

"Yes" I replied, "I can't use the product for the specific purpose for which I purchased it for".

Her silence spoke a thousand words.

"Well, look" I picked up the bottle and held it towards her. "See." I gestured at the writing.

She read the words to herself "Keep away from children."

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Civilians die in Kashmir violence.

It's amazing what some people will do for a nice sweater...

[Raistlin]

Why is a paedophile like a turtle ?

Because he gets there before the hare...

[Raistlin]

I have heard that all the Mars bars with the England flags on will be sent up to Scotland,

Then they can get battered as well...

[Raistlin]

Things were hotting up in the bedroom when my wife stopped me.

She said, "Let's try something different tonight".

Excited, I said, "What did you have in mind ?"

She said, "Maybe tonight you could let me orgasm before you fall asleep"

[Raistlin]

BBC NEWS: Wayne Rooney to answer his critics in an online forum.

But I bet he won't be able to find the net on his laptop either...

[Raistlin]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss!

She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

The next day the brunette says "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Jeremy Clarkson and Kerry Katona?

Nothing, they're both on top gear...

[Raistlin]

I hate women that wear stupid amounts of make-up.

My wife has just the right amount of foundation on her face.

She's buried under the house...

[Raistlin]

For sale:

10 Used Condoms.

No weirdos...

[Raistlin]

Wayne Rooney is said to be shocked at Ronaldo's spitting incident,

He said"when he played for Utd he always swallowed"

[Raistlin]

My wife walked in on me with my dick in my hand.

"Are you masturbating?" She asked in disgust.

Thinking quickly I said, "No, no dear, I was, er, I was checking for lumps."

"Why would you check for lumps in your daughters bedroom?"

Sadly I didn't think of an answer as quick as the last one!

[Raistlin]

KP's girlfiend said they should experiment more in the bedroom.

He said it was going really well,

Until he burnt his arse on a bunsen burner....

[Raistlin]

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.

The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only £20.00 each, Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anyone was watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.

4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens.

The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time"

[Raistlin]

The other day I went to the local bookshop to buy a dictionary.

The assistant showed me a really cheap one.

I couldn't find the words to thank him...

[Raistlin]

I woke up covered in clown make-up this morning,

I must have slept funny...

[Raistlin]

My wife has discovered that I've been using prostitutes.

After all the shouting and tears I finally managed to talk calmly to her.

"Remember when we were first married and we used to wash up every night together ?

It soon became a chore, but when I had the money we got a dishwasher, didn't we ?

Well, it's kind of like that."

[Raistlin]

The Welsh have just found out new use's for Sheep.

Meat and Wool...

[Raistlin]

My wife has just kicked me out the house for being "too naive."

I almost dropped my magic beans...

[Raistlin]

I was in a restaurant yesterday when I realised that I really needed to pass gas.

The music was really loud so I actually managed to time my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel a lot better.

I finished my coffee, and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

That's the last time I listen to my iPod in a restaurant...

[Raistlin]

I don't get what all the fuss is with bulimia,

I've been doing that for years with beer...

[Raistlin]

A man walked into his local chip shop the other day with a live Salmon under his arm,

"Do you sell fish cakes ?" he asks the chippie,

"No we do battered Cod...sorry" replied the chippie.

The man retorts "Well that's a shame its his birthday today"