Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A recent quote extracted from the story of a woman driver who nearly drove her car off of a multi-story car park.

"She thought the brakes had failed and hit the accelerator again and careered through the wall."

I'm not one to judge, but if my brakes had failed, the last thing I'd hit is the accelerator...

[Bizarra]

A man walked into his local chip shop the other day with a live Salmon under his arm,

"Do you sell fish cakes ?" he asks the chippie,

"No we do battered Cod...sorry" replied the chippie.

The man retorts "Well that's a shame its his birthday today"

Same joke.... different version

A man walked into a Bar in Belfast with an alligator on a chain behind him.

"Do you serve Protestants ? he asks the Barman.

"Of course we do. We're non sectarian here " replied the Barman.

"Good" sez yer man. " I'll have a Pint & 2 Protestants for my Alligator, please "

[ Bit sick, I know, considering recent History, but it is better to laugh at it, if you can ]

[Raistlin]

A man walked into a packed Protestant Bar in Belfast and says I would like to buy everyone a drink,

The barman says " That's going to cost you a bomb"

To which the man says " Funny you should mention that..."

[Bizarra]

A man walked into a packed Protestant Bar in Belfast and says I would like to buy everyone a drink,

The barman says " That's going to cost you a bomb"

To which the man says " Funny you should mention that..."

:lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

[Bizarra]

THINGS TO DO ON AN ELEVATOR 2

1. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It’s okay. Don’t panic, they open up again."

2. Swat at flies that don’t exist.

3. Tell people that you can see their aura.

4. Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

5. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

6. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

7. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

8. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You’re one of THEM" and back away slowly.

9. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

10. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

11. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

12. Start grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

[Bizarra]

Call Centre

Mujibar was trying to get a job..

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.’

Mujibar said, "I am ready.’

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.’

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready’

The manager said, "Go ahead...’

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say,’Yellow’, this is Mujibar.’

Mujibar now works at a call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

[Raistlin]

The Nigerian goalkeeper is reimbursing all fans who's nations have been knocked out already,

All he needs is your bank account details and your mothers maiden name...

[Bizarra]

Waterloo

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde & a frightfully awful looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, & the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me & by a mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face".

The large lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde & she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That fucking Englishman put his hand on that blonde & by a mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again"

[Raistlin]

ITV News: "Is prostitution a problem ?"

"Steve from Morcombe says; 'legalise prostitution, have specific hot spots for brothels, let the women do what they do in the dignity of the indoors, where they are not subject to the unnecessary frowns of the public."

Good point Steve...

You curb crawling pervert.

[Raistlin]

The FA have decided to redesign England shirts.

From now on the three lions will be replaced with three tampons,

As this will represent the worst period in English footballing history...

[Raistlin]

At this time of the year, when you're having a barbecue, remember your pets,

They burn for ages...

[Raistlin]

Bad backs are estimated to cost industry millions every year in lost productivity,

Stuff that, they just lost us the world cup...

[Raistlin]

I can't believe no-one has come up with a cure for anorexia yet.

Surely it must be a piece of cake...

[Raistlin]

My therapist says im pre-occupied with vengance,

We will see about that...

[Raistlin]

Predictive text is for aunts...

[Raistlin]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Convent of Silence.

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent convent you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. '

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the convent for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years, You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the convent, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'

[Raistlin]

BT have recently disconnected my phone off due to numerous unpaid bills.

They say unless I get in touch and pay up, they'll take me to court.

Unfortunately, thus far I've been unable to contact them as they've cut my phone off...

[Bizarra]

Murphy applied for a Senior fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in St Jame’s Gate Dublin.

A Polish guy applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.' You put down, ‘Neither do I’.“

[Bizarra]

PRICELESS......

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.

'The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.

'The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said; maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your

collar."

[Raistlin]

After having sex with a council estate girl, there's nothing worse than looking down and seeing a broken condom hanging off your knob,

Especially when you weren't wearing one when you started....

[Raistlin]

Today I saw a ginger haired girl buying a rape alarm,

You've got to love an optimist...

[Raistlin]

Husband says to wife ''Do you wanna play a rape game ?''

Wife says ''No'',

Husband says ''That's the spirit''

[Raistlin]

In the news: 'Victoria Beckham in car design role for Range Rover'

Hmm her ideal car ?

Slimline, small, and very very slow...

[Raistlin]

My wife went to an Ann Summers party last night.

What a brilliant opportunity for her to meet up with a variety of like-minded married women so they can all pretend to each other that they can still tolerate sex...

[Raistlin]

Gagging your Girlfriend with a fresh granny smith

Bend her over and shove a summer salad cucumber up her bum

Finest Scottish salmon slapped across her face

Peak of the season strawberries squashed onto her nipples

Hot Cornish toffee poured between her legs

This is not just food, This is S & M food ...