Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A blonde calls the fire department cause her house was on fire.

They ask her how to get there and she says "Duh, In big red truck !"

[Raistlin]

I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce."

"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"

"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.

"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."

"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."

[Raistlin]

The doctor comes out of the delivery room and says to the father, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Jones, but apparently your child was born with no arms, only one leg, and teeth that project six inches out of its mouth."

Mr. Jones cries, "My God! What will we do with such a deformed baby?"

The doctor says, "Use it as a rake?"

[Raistlin]

A man is driving down the road when he sees a sign that says; "Get petrol and free sex here".

So obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay.

"Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex." said the cashier.

"Uh, okay, 3!" the man replied.

"Nope! Sorry play again".

So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the same place, because he wanted his free sex.

One day he was really ticked:

"This has got to be rigged! I have never gotten the number to have free sex!" He screamed.

"Oh no! It's not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times last week alone!"

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about Tempura House?

It's a shelter for lightly battered women.

[Raistlin]

Once upon a time a man was walking down the street.

He saw an ancient oil lamp in a bin and, thinking of the Aladdin legend, he picked up and rubbed it.

Sure enough, out popped a genie. "Master, I shall now grant you one wish."

The man spoke, his eyes bulging with desire. "I wanna be rock hard and get plenty of asss for the rest of my life!"

The genie obediently turned him into a toilet.

[Raistlin]

A blond at a party was telling her friend that she was off men for life. "They lie, they cheat and they're just no good.

From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my vibrator"

"So, what when the batteries run out?" asked her friend

"I'll just fake an orgasm like always."

[Raistlin]

One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot.

She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out.

The ant asked, "What do I get in return?"

The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."

So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out. When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you ready?".

The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do anyways?"

The ant climbs up and starts to work away.

Just then a monkey overhead drops a coconut on the elephant's head.

"Ouch" screams the elephant, and the ant responds, "Yeah take it all bitch."

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist ?

He sold his soul to Santa.

[Raistlin]

A guy rings work and says "I can`t come in to work today as I`m sick"

The voice at the other end asks "How sick are you ?"

The guy says "Well I`m in bed with my 12 year old son"

[Raistlin]

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"

"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.

"What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Lucy asked.

"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs.

Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"

Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"

[Raistlin]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"

[Raistlin]

Whats the difference between a blonde and a Mosquito?

The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.

[Raistlin]

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?

Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

[Raistlin]

What do you do with a dog with no legs who is named cigerette ?

Take it for a drag.

[Raistlin]

Jane was a first time contestant on the £65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in

her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even

managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host

could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove

them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You

know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.

"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started

heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to

run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked

grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she

cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the

answer is 'The head, the heart, and the *****.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane,

now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the

quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the *****," Jane replied groggily

before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as

Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she

knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running

and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane

and asked the big question.

"Jane, for £65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10

seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. " Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the

heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it

into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

[Raistlin]

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.

He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.

So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door and up the stairs.

When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asks. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

[Raistlin]

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test.

He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.

They question all plant and mineral witnesses.

After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.

The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

[Raistlin]

Is this really your third marriage?

Sure is.

What happened to your first two wives?

They died.

How did your first wife die?

She ate some poisonous mushrooms.

What about your second wife?

She died from a severe skull fracture.

How did she get a skull fracture?

She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.

[Raistlin]

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

[Raistlin]

The seven kinds of passionate women

1.The Optimist - "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

2.The Pessimist - "No! No! No!"

3.The Confused - "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!"

4.The Asthmatic - written rendition of gasping

5.The Sprinter - "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!"

6.The Religious - "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!

7.The Mathematician - "More! More! More! More!

[Raistlin]

What's the worst part about eating vegetables?

The wheelchair.

[Raistlin]

The husband, tired of a listless sex life came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm ?"

She looked him right in the eye and said, "You're never at home !"

[Raistlin]

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.

They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.

It identifies that American Indialns have the longest average wang and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.

By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

[Raistlin]

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.

They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation.

He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen.

There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. "Are you hurt?" she asks.

She replies, "Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"