Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Microsoft have announced the withdrawal of their Kin phone after poor sales.

They are going to replace it with a luxury version called the Kin L.

[Raistlin]

I got chatting to this fit bird at the pub last night, and I mentioned that I had my own grooming business.

She seemed impressed, and asked how long I'd been working with dogs. "Oh they're not all dogs,"

I replied. "Some of them are pretty sexy for a ten-year-old."

[Raistlin]

I went to the doctors last week for an eye test,

He said 'Can I ask you a personal question, do you masturbate ?'

I told him 'Yes, whenever I get chance'

He replied 'It's magic isn't it'...

[Raistlin]

The Brazilian changing rooms were left in a total mess after some football fans broke in and began hanging Dutch flags everywhere and spraying everything in bright orange spray paint.

The police currently suspect Van der Lism...

[Raistlin]

The new Twilight film comes out next week and I'm so excited I'm going to the midnight showing.

Not to see the film, mind you, just 200 teenage girls leaving the cinema in the dead of night, I can't pass up that opportunity...

[Raistlin]

The future's bright for... Brazil

After todays game, the Dutch must be as high as a Kuyt...

Apparently the Brazilians are going nuts...

The worst Brazilian performance since David Blunkett tried to shave his wife's.........

[Raistlin]

English tennis fans this morning: "I hope Andy Murray wins because he is British."

English tennis fans now: "I see that shit Scottish bloke is out."

[Raistlin]

I just switched my mobile to predictive text and it told me I'm going to die in June 2047...

[Raistlin]

I'm going to be at the front of the queue for tickets to see Toy Story 3.

Imagine what the kids will do to get their hands on them...

[Raistlin]

Definition of optimism:

Writing the warnings and instructions on deodorant cans in Arabic ...

[Raistlin]

I ended up doing five years in prison for associating with the wrong crowd,

PC World Tech Guys...

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between my wife and my job ?

After five years, the job still sucks...

[Bizarra]

I just switched my mobile to predictive text and it told me I'm going to die in June 2047...

I've already told you that the world will end on 21/12/2012 :ffs: Send back your phone, it's predictive text sucks

[Raistlin]

Just as well its an annual contract :D

[Raistlin]

I cannot think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name,

Or how you met,

Or why they are dead...

[Raistlin]

There I was on the ferry to Belfast, telling my best Irish jokes, when Gerry Adams approaches and says

"I've got one for you. What's black and blue and red all over?"

I said "Don't know, what?"

He said "Englishmen telling Irish jokes"

[Raistlin]

As a police officer with many years of experience dealing with rape victims shortly after they have been attacked,

I think I may have stumbled upon a common trait among all the cases which may prevent other women suffering the same ordeal in the future.

Rapists seem to be attracted to women with smeared eye makeup...

[Raistlin]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[Raistlin]

Dear Ghost that lives in my house,

if you really want to scare me, try opening my bedroom door when I'm having a wank.

[bothwell_buyer]

Dear Ghost that lives in my house,

if you really want to scare me, try opening my bedroom door when I'm having a wank.

you do it in the bedroom???????????????????????????

[XJ900]

Dear Ghost that lives in my house,

if you really want to scare me, try opening my bedroom door when I'm having a ****.

you do it in the bedroom???????????????????????????

Obviously, that way he can wipe his knob on the curtains,

He has Metal Venetian Blinds downstairs ! :!Removed!:

[bothwell_buyer]

Dear Ghost that lives in my house,

if you really want to scare me, try opening my bedroom door when I'm having a ****.

you do it in the bedroom???????????????????????????

Obviously, that way he can wipe his knob on the curtains,

He has Metal Venetian Blinds downstairs ! :shutit:

interesting information for Sanderson Blinds I'm sure.... there must be a hidden niche market i guess?

[Raistlin]

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

I think I've forgotten this before....

[Raistlin]

What is one of the symptoms of Alzheimer's ?

A: Memory loss

A: Memory loss

A: Memory loss

[Raistlin]

Two heavily pregnant, Irish women are sitting on a park bench knitting little wooly jumpers.

One turns to the other and says 'I hope mines a boy, I only have blue wool...'

To which the other replies 'I hope mines a spanner, I've messed up the arms'.