Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Why did the kid with ADHD cross the road ?

Look, a puppy...

[Raistlin]

Cheer up Ghana. That's life.

Here today, Gyan tomorrow...

[Raistlin]

If Harry Potter's so clever, why hasn't he put the magic potion, Rohypnolus Rapeum, into Hermione's drink ?

Gay bastard...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: "200 killed in petrol tanker blast in the Congo"

Yet another hit on my BP shares...

[Raistlin]

Andy Murray walks into a library and asks for a book about service games.

The librarian says, "Sod off, Andy, you won't return it"...

[Raistlin]

The Brazilian government have just announced the tragic loss of their World Cup squad,

In a plane crash next Sunday...

[Raistlin]

Congratulations Mr. Chang, a beautiful baby girl.

Bin it...

[Raistlin]

I looked out in my garden this morning and there was a chav fumbling with the lock to my shed,

Give it a couple of days and I might let him out...

[Raistlin]

A duck is about to cross the road when a chicken comes over and says,

"Don't do it, mate. You'll never hear the end of it"...

[Raistlin]

Independence Day:

The official date the English couldn't be arsed with Americans anymore...

[Raistlin]

When I got my new dog I decided to call him Life.

Having just had puppies, it turned out Life's a bitch.

[Raistlin]

A jew walks into a bar....

mitzvah - it's cheaper

[Raistlin]

Katie Price bought Harvey a vuvuzela,

She makes him play it in the garden so he can water the flowers at the same time...

[Raistlin]

SIGN'S NOTICED:

Sign on a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

Sign on a Plumber's truck:

We repair what your husband fixed.

Sign on another Plumber's truck:

Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

Sign at a Tyre Store:

Invite us to your next blowout.

Sign on an Electrician's truck:

Let us remove your shorts.

Sign in a Non-smoking Area:

If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

Sign on a Maternity Room door:

Push. Push. Push.

Sign on a Fence:

Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!

Sign at a Car Dealership:

The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Sign outside a Car Exhaust Store:

No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

Sign in a Restaurant window:

Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.

Sign in the front yard of a Funeral Home:

Drive carefully. We'll wait.

Sign at a RADIATOR SHOP:

Best place in town to take a leak.

[Raistlin]

I think I will go and drown my sorrows,

It's a crap name for a kitten anyway...

[Raistlin]

In order to promote safe sex the Welsh have started painting the legs of the sheep that kick...

[Raistlin]

I woke this morning to find God sat at the end of my bed.

He looked over and told me that He was here to grant me a wish.

Well, as a keen mountain biker I asked Him for a direct road from my house in England to the top of Kona mountain in Hawaii.

"Don't be a wally; if I do that I will have to adjust the plates of the earth with landslides, tsunamis and earthquakes - it could kill thousands of people! Think of something else."

"OK", I said. "Tell me how a woman's brain works."

"...How many lanes do you want ?"

[Raistlin]

A chap walks into a WH Smiths & says "Do you have that new self-help book for men with really small willies ?".

The girl behind the counter says, "It's not in yet."

To which he replies "Yeah, that's the one"...

[Raistlin]

A pot of the gold at the end of the rainbow ?

I never knew the Irish were looking to develop Jewish tourism...

[Raistlin]

Fabio Capello has arranged a friendly for the England team against Iceland.

If they manage to win they are planning on playing Tesco and Sainsbury's as well...

[Raistlin]

Dictionary of online dating terms for men to watch out for:

Bubbly- A fat bitch

Enjoys eating out- Lazy fat bitch

Enjoys long walks- Boring fat bitch trying to lose wait

Sporty- Fat bitch trying to cover up for being big

Petite- No tits (could also be a midget)

Religious- No sex

Career Driven- Feminist

Exotic- Black and in need of a British passport

Loves animals- Virgin who has spent most her life with her pet dog

[Bizarra]

A pot of the gold at the end of the rainbow ?

I never knew the Irish were looking to develop Jewish tourism...

That sounds suspiciously like Raist original { Wink, wink }

[Raistlin]

A pot of the gold at the end of the rainbow ?

I never knew the Irish were looking to develop Jewish tourism...

That sounds suspiciously like Raist original { Wink, wink }

Jew know you could be right...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Scientists have discovered that beer contains low levels of the female hormone Estrogen.

That explains why after eight pint's of beer I talk complete bollocks and can't drive...

[Raistlin]

Why do women always want to be equal ?

When they could be greater than us,

That for me is showing a lack in ambition,

Which is why men are better...