Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Katie Price has sold one of her dildos for one million pounds,

It has been purchased by BP to plug the oil spill in the Gulf...

[Raistlin]

I just won several million on the lottery,

So I said to my mate "I'm going to make sure I invest half of it wisely".

He said "What about the other half ?"

I said "She can sod off".

[Raistlin]

I'm going to add an extra floor on to my bungalow.

But that's another storey...

[Raistlin]

I lost a pub quiz the other night by one point.

The final question was "Whereabouts do women have the most curly hair ?"

Apparently the answer is Africa...

[Bizarra]

Council Tax Evaluation...

Council tax re-evaluers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

We have a huge council house in our street....

The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

Her car isn’t taxed or insured, and doesn’t even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments.

A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son’s girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.

The family’s odd antics are always in the papers.

They are out of control. ..........

Honestly - who’d live near Windsor Castle ?

[Bizarra]

Will I Live to 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, "Do you think I’ll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I’m not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don’t," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a shit?"

[Bizarra]

Smart Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day

by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast

out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him

home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left,

past the bridge, then right

again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance

from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I’m

lost and need directions!"

[Bizarra]

Ibuprofen

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It’s going to be a hell of a party."

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?"

The guy replies, "Quick, I need Ibuprofen."

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can’t put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."

The guy says, "No, no, It’s not for that, it’s for my arm."

Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"

Guy replies, "Well... I drank the whole bottle of your potion."

Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what?"

"The girls never showed up!"

[Raistlin]

Bizarra rang the senility helpline...

... but couldn't remember why.

[Raistlin]

Why do women close their eyes during sex ?

They can't stand seeing a man have a good time....

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Six years olds laugh twenry times more per day on average than adults.

Not in my sweatshops they dont...

[Raistlin]

"Doctor Doctor, I think I might have malaria."

"Right Miss Cole, I'm going to need to see your vagina."

[Raistlin]

BBC news: "Gay asylum seekers win UK appeal"

Speak for yourself, they don't appeal to me!

[Raistlin]

BBC NEWS: Raoul Moat has said he will only target the police and the public are safe.

ITV NEWS: Northumbria Police announce 'Dress Down Wednesday'

[Raistlin]

Lubrication

The main component to help Bizarra achieve his five a day....

[Raistlin]

Dear Katie Price,

Why not save on the expense of face paint and support Holland in the final...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Lindsay Lohan jailed for 90 days.

I bet she wishes she never pretended to be a lesbian now.

[Raistlin]

MSN News: Northumbria Police have today taken any type of seafood off all station canteen menus,

They are advising all staff that they will only have a little fishy on a little dishy when the Moat comes in...

[fuel miser]

I was driving down the motorway with my blonde girlfriend the other day, when she suddenly pipes up "That car that's just overtaken us again, I think they must be from Wales."

"Why's that?" I asked. "Well the kids are writing on the back window, and it says stit ruoy su wohs"

[Raistlin]

Bizarra was walking through the streets of Thailand when a small girl asked if I wanted to have sex with her.

"No, thank you" I said "You're far too young."

"How do you know my name?" She asked.

[Raistlin]

How do you get a fat girl into bed ?

Piece of cake...

[Raistlin]

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that You actually look forward to the trip.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says midway "See I am not injured yet."

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth

[Raistlin]

Christiano Ronaldo had his first parenting session with his new son this morning.

"Right" said the midwife, "What should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum ?"

"Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the floor" replied the baby.

[Bizarra]

The Burglar

A burglar breaks into a home and as soon as he walks in he hears, "Jesus is watching you." He looks around, and sees nothing. He walks towards the VCR and again he hears, "Jesus is watching you." He looks up and down and around, and still sees nothing. He begins to unhook the VCR and again hears, "Jesus is watching you."! He looks in the corner and sees a parrot in a cage, and asks the parrot, "Was that you who said that?"

The parrot replies, "Yes"

The burglar asked "What’s your name ?" "Moses."

"What kind of idiot would name a parrot Moses ?"

"The same idiot who would name a Doberman "Jesus’."

[Bizarra]

The Penguin

So it seems this penguin was driving through a small town when his car broke down. He called the AA, and his car was towed to a local garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the problem.

The penguin wasn’t in any particular hurry, so he wandered off to look around.

Entering a local supermarket, he bought some fish sticks and some vanilla ice cream for lunch, and then hung out in the frozen foods section until it was time to return to the garage.

The mechanic, seeing him enter the garage, came over wiping his hands on a rag, and shaking his head, saying "It looks like you blew a seal."

Blushing, the penguin quickly wiped his bill with his flippers, and replied, "Oh no! It’s just ice cream!"