Raistlin's Joke Page

[Bizarra]

I may have posted this before

The Three Wives

Three men were sitting together recounting how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Albania and boasted that he had told his wife she must do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Korea. He said he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results but the nextday it was better. By the third day his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an English girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day the didn’t see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

[Raistlin]

I was stood over this girl at work, trying not to stare at her ample cleavage, when she said to me; "Give them a feel."

"Yes" I said and put my arms around her and put my hands on her tits.

So she slapped me round the head with a pile of documents, shoved them in my face and screamed; "GIVE THEM TO PHIL"

[fuel miser]

Do any of you happen to know where Raoul Moat currently is? If you do, could you please tell him that Wayne Rooney, John Terry, Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard have all humped his bird Samantha too.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: The police are saying that they've found Raoul Moat's camp.

I'd like to see them tell him that to his face...

[Raistlin]

My wife said she needed some more space in her life.

I agreed and hung two Star Trek posters in the kitchen...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: "Northumbria police are offering a £10,000 reward for information that leads to the arrest of Raoul Moat."

He's in the woods outside Rothbury, that'll be ten grand please...

[Raistlin]

I walked up to a girl in the club last night and said,

"Have you got a light sweetheart ?"

She smiled and said, "Yes"......

"Well turn it on next time you're getting dressed, You look awful"

[Raistlin]

Just watch Spain beat Germany.

The German's looked Lahm's to the slaughter,

They never came Klose to scoring, got proper Muller'd.

In the end they just looked a bunch of Kuntz...

[Raistlin]

My wife found my collection of teenage girls knickers hidden in my wardrobe,

"Where did these come from ?" She screamed

It seems "washing lines" was a mistake...

[XJ900]

When you do a proper "punch Line " joke I think you should also post this link to finish it off.

Don't forget to turn the volume up !

*CLICK HERE IMMEDIATELY AFTER RAISTLIN'S PUNCH LINE.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Germans amazed as psychic Octopus Paul picks correct match winner again.

Never mind Paul the Octopus' gambling predictions, where's that sick squid he owes me ?

[Raistlin]

Honk if you love Jesus..

Text while driving if you want to meet him...

[Raistlin]

I walked into the pub and asked for a water.

The barman said, "Still water?"

I said, "Yes mate, I haven't changed my mind".

[Bizarra]

Decisions Decisions

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She bought new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and told the man,

"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said,

"I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one took the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned the $5000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said,

"I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

[Raistlin]

It's important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.

[Raistlin]

Why do women have foreheads ?

Its somewhere for a man to kiss after he's cum in her mouth...

[Raistlin]

It's a neck and neck contest in this hot weather, if they don't find him soon...

Who's going to have the redder face ?

The Police or the Ginger , Sorry fair skinned gentleman.

[Raistlin]

How come so many cars are named after pornographic magazines ?

There's the Escort, the Fiesta, the Mini Mayfair and of course the Fiat Big Jugs Monthly Popular Plus...

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Ashley Cole and Raoul Moat ?

Raoul Moat is still messing around in a Geordie bush...

[Raistlin]

Bizarra, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach, couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "You're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.

They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Bizarra hits the beach with his new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick,

So Bizarra went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard. "Mate, the potato goes in front"

[Bizarra]

Raist, who was on holiday from Surrey on Bondi beach, couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "You're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.

They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Raist hits the beach with his new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick,

So Raist went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard. "Mate, the potato goes in front"

It was high time you went beddy byes One minute I'm the focus of the joke, the next, it's some guy called Patrick

I'm still the expert at the Edit

Which brought on a Brainwave I'll edit it for you

Now, that is funny :lol2:

[Raistlin]

"No, Bizarra I always yawn like that when I cum..."

[Bizarra]

"No, Bizarra I always yawn like that when I cum..."

Then you roll over & start snoring, instead of cuddling your Partner & whispering "Sweet nothings" in her ear for 1/2 an hour, to make her feel special, instead of used

You get the rest of us Gentlemen [?] a bad name.

[Raistlin]

Manchester City have officially bid £45m for Raoul Moat.

They've no idea who he is, but have heard everyone is after him...

[fuel miser]

Northumbria police have announced that if Moat isn't captured by Saturday night, they're doubling the reward money to £20,000, making it a Raoul over.

(tried to provide a link to a spoof news site but it's blocked from this forum)