Raistlin's Joke Page

[Bizarra]

Forethought...

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF ***

Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF ***

She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered."

[Bizarra]

Ouch

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing violently. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man’s pecker, and tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a fella with his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of a sudden, the pecker smacks the windscreen, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what was that?"

Not wanting embarrassing questions,the father replies, "It was only a bug." The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn’t it !

[Bizarra]

Quickies ..

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

............................................................................................

A chicken and an egg

A chicken and an egg were laying next to each other in bed. The chicken was smoking a cigarette, and with a very pissed-off look the egg said, "Well.... I guess that answers THAT long asked question!"

[Raistlin]

To this day, scousers boycott the Sun newspaper for printing an article claiming that Liverpool fans were to blame for the Hillsborough disaster.

What I want to know is, who told them what it said ?

[Raistlin]

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

I'm easily lead...

[Raistlin]

I'm not convinced Raoul Moat is a natural ginger, Evidence...

1) He had a girlfriend.

2) He can walk around in daylight without spontaneously combusting.

3) Two 'friends' helped him.

4) Surely a real ginger would never wear an orange t-shirt.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Police find second Moat letter.

It's 'O'

[Raistlin]

My wife was looking at bathing suits when she said, "should I get a bikini or an all-in-one."

"Better get a bikini," I replied. "You'd never get all-in-one."

I just got out of intensive care yesterday...

[Raistlin]

Parts of Liverpool closed off today after a suspicious device was found on a car.

Police later found out it was a tax disc...

[Raistlin]

Pornographic Movies.

The only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot...

[Raistlin]

I hear that Bizarra is moving to England from Ireland,

At the immigration office an immigration officer confronted him and said, "So why are you moving to England ?"

To which Bizarra replied "Because I heard there are two thousand jobs in jeopardy"

[Bizarra]

I hear that Bizarra is moving to England from Ireland,

At the immigration office an immigration officer confronted him and said, "So why are you moving to England ?"

To which Bizarra replied "Because I heard there are two thousand jobs in jeopardy"

Subtle it is NOT. :lol2:

[Raistlin]

The BBC's Fiona Trott says former footballer Paul Gascoigne appeared a short while ago at the police cordon.

She says he posed for some pictures with children before driving off.

Bless him, the local off licence must be inside the cordoned off area.

[Raistlin]

I see Gazza has turned up to see Raoul Moat with a six pack of Newcastle Brown Ale.

Who next......Ant and Dec with a Friday night Takeaway!

[Raistlin]

Gazza has gone home after he found out that all the fuss was about Moat with a Magnum & not A Magnum of Moet.

[Raistlin]

Funny how times change, years ago if you had a moat round your village you felt safe.

[Raistlin]

How many optimists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

It's not that dark...

[Raistlin]

My wife and I planned to commit suicide together.

But once she'd killed herself, things suddenly looked a lot more positive...

[Raistlin]

Now Raoul Moat is finally dead, Gazza can rest easily;

Safe in the knowledge that he is once again the most mental person in Newcastle.

[Raistlin]

My sex life is very much like Star Wars.

I'm either doing it with my hands, solo, or I'm having to use the force.

[Raistlin]

I had to ring and cancel my appointment at the sperm bank today,

I couldnt cum

[Raistlin]

Why do seagulls have wings ?

To beat the gypsies to the tip.

[Raistlin]

My Gran was recently beaten to death by my Granddad.

He didn't kill her, he just died first.

[Raistlin]

A Jelly Baby goes into a doctors and says "Doctor I think I have AIDS",

The doctor says "Well you haven't, you're a Jelly Baby",

"But!" the Jelly Baby replies "I've been shagging Allsorts"

[Raistlin]

Yahoo News: "Derry awaits City of Culture result from Liverpool"

It's not like Scousers to take their time handing over something they shouldn't have had in the first place.