Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

With our daughter now confined to an electric wheelchair, my wife said she wants to spoil her.

It was only after I'd come back from Halfords with a body kit, some alloys and go-faster stripes, that I realised I'd misheard her.

[Bizarra]

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think €5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

[Raistlin]

Irish authorities today uncovered a mass grave of dead snowmen.

Further tests revealed it was actually a field of carrots...

[Raistlin]

I was in my local electrical store the other day when I noticed a big leather recliner with built-in Speakers and X-box controllers going for an absolute bargain.

I saw a few other guys eyeing it up so I had to move fast, but all of a sudden this gorgeous girl frantically asked for my help rescuing her baby who was locked in her car, and she offered to hump me dry in return.

The sound quality is outstanding...

[Raistlin]

Do you know the worst thing about having ADHD ?

Let's go ride bikes...

[Bizarra]

I was in my local electrical store the other day when I noticed a big leather recliner with built-in speakers and X-box controllers going for an absolute bargain.

I saw a few other guys eyeing it up so I had to move fast, but all of a sudden this gorgeous girl frantically asked for my help rescuing her baby who was locked in her car, and she offered to hump me dry in return.

The sound quality is outstanding...

Knowing your propensities, that means she was a screamer

[Raistlin]

No it meant I bought the chair

[Bizarra]

No it meant I bought the chair

You greatly disappoint me, again :( I thought that was what you meant, but hoped I was wrong

Those two choices, and only two, and you went and picked the wrong one ?

What is the world coming to? Now back in my day............

[Raistlin]

Last night I went down on my girlfriends mum and got my tongue stud snagged on her genital piercing.

Talk about PANIC !!

I was in a right old flap...

[Raistlin]

Mobile Kitchens

So women can go out to work as well...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Police have confirmed that Raoul Moat may of been suffering from servere dandruff,

As they found his head and shoulders in a tree..

[Raistlin]

In this age where childhood obesity is reaching epidemic proportions and a healthy diet is considered vital to wellbeing, am I alone in being concerned that the Catholic clergy seem to show little consideration of this when pumping additional levels of salt, fat and protein into the youngsters entrusted to their care ?

They've got to lay off with those communion wafers...

[Bizarra]

Miracles

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Please Lord build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing’, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord said, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

[Bizarra]

Linford Christie plays golf.

Linford Christie walks into the reception of a golf course and asks to play a round of golf. The receptionist looks around nervously and seeing the coast is clear says to him, "I’m really sorry but the owner here is really racist and if he sees you in here he’ll give you a load of abuse. I suggest you try the course just 10 minutes away, down the road".

Linford is furious and says, "Do you know who I am. I’m Linford Christie the sprinter. I raced for England, I used to be the fastest man on the planet".

The receptionist says, "OK, it’s five minutes away then".

[Raistlin]

I missed today's Hairdressing Championships.

Can anyone tell me if there were any highlights ?

[Bizarra]

One for you smartarse Jocks...

It is just before Scotland v England in the World Cup Group game.

Rooney goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What’s up?" he asks.

"Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but it’s only Scotland. They’re shite and we can’t be bothered".

Rooney looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Rooney goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Rooney 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Rooney 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".

They can’t believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down."

"Don’t be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"

"No, No, I have, I’ve let you down..........

I got sent off after 12 minutes"

[Bizarra]

Freedom of the Press

Two boys are playing in the street in Manchester, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young United Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I’m not a United fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry, since we are in Manchester, I just assumed you were." say’s the reporter and starts again.

"Little City Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he starts writing in his notebook.

"I’m not a City fan either," the boy say’s.

"I assumed everyone in Manchester was either a United or City fan. What team, DO you root for?" the reporter asks.

"I’m a Liverpool fan." the boy said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

"Scouser Tearaway Kills Beloved Family Pet."

[Raistlin]

You can say what you like about deaf people.

[Bizarra]

The approved method

This Catholic Priest, Methodist Preacher, and a Jewish Rabbi were sitting around discussing how they divide the take from each Sabbath.

The Priest said, "What I do is I draw a line down the center of the room and then throw the money up in the air. Whatever lands on the left is God’s, whatever lands on the right is mine."

The Preacher said, "Well I do almost the same thing only I draw a circle in the middle of the room. Whatever lands in the circle is mine and the rest belongs to God."

The Rabbi says, "No, you both are doing it wrong. I take the money and throw it up in the air. Then I yell, God, Take what you want!. Whatever comes back down is mine......."

[Raistlin]

So Spain have beaten Holland in the World Cup.

Revenge for 1648 is sweet!

You'd probably need an interest in 17th century European history to appreciate that fact.

[Raistlin]

Received an invite to a party today, written on a bottle of Ribena...

Seems I was cordially invited

[Raistlin]

So, Katie Price reveals in an interview that, when people get bored of her, she'll walk away from the business.

I think I speak for everyone here,

Finally...

[Raistlin]

Farewell Africa,

Thank you for the World Cup,

See you at Comic Relief...

[Raistlin]

The wife is like a Gremlin.

Get her wet and she turns nasty...

[Raistlin]

Yahoo news headline reads: "Cheryl Cole unable to talk"

Cheryl Cole, is now officially the world's most perfect woman....