Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between an Arab woman and an American woman ?

The American woman gets stoned before she commits adultery.

[Raistlin]

I turned to my wife tonight and said, "You know what, I think of our marriage as being just like the World Cup."

"That's sweet," she replied. "You must mean that it has its ups and its downs, sometimes it is thrilling, at other times a boring test of endurance, but ultimately it's something to be cherished."

"No, you fat cow," I sneered menacingly to her as I grabbed her wrists and marched her forcefully toward's the front door. "It's over !"

[fuel miser]

I see the plane carrying the Dutch team has just touched down, rolled over twice and complained to air traffic control.

[Raistlin]

Kynan was an abused child,

His mum used to comb a side parting in his hair...

[Raistlin]

Knock Knock

Who's there ?

Ginger

Hello........

[Raistlin]

I found out today that I have really powerful sperm,

I have only been going out with my girlfriend for 4 weeks,

but the doctor said that she seems to be 4 months pregnant...

[Raistlin]

Carlsberg don't do alzheimers,

But they do make exceedingly good cakes...

[Raistlin]

I was walking through the park with my dog, when a man came over and said, "That's a nice dog, does he bite ?"

I replied, "No he doesn't."

He said, "Then how does he eat ?"

"Kill Boy"...

[Raistlin]

I was in a porno cinema the other night. I hadn't been there five minutes when some guy started yelling at me: "Oh, you're a beast, you're despicable!"

So I said to him: "Listen mate, we're all here together, you're just as despicable as I am."

But then other people started chipping in, shouting stuff like "How do you sleep at night?" and "You're a total disgrace."

Next thing I knew the manager was standing right beside me, throwing in his two pence worth as well.

I remember what he said to the letter. He said: "In 25 years I've never seen anything like this."

So I said: "I know I'm not much to look at but that's a bit harsh, isn't it?"

But he wasn't listening, he was just waving his arms saying he was going to "throw me out" and that security was "on its way."

At that point I just thought "Oh, I don't need this".

So I stood up and said: "Sod it, come on kids we're leaving."

[Raistlin]

Alternative 2012 London Olympic games.

In previous Olympic games, Londons athletes have not been particularly successful. In order to help the athletes, some of the events have been altered to their advantage.

Opening ceremony

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city, wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.

100m sprint

Competitors will have to hold a DVD recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10m behind the athletes.

100m hurdles

As above but with obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, garden hedges, fences and walls)

Hammer throw

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they may wish to use - claw, sledge etc. The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public in the time allowed.

Fencing

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 minutes

Shooting

A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or a wages delivery man.

Boxing

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will commence

Cycling trials

Competitors will be asked to break into the university bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummyâ??s boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

Cycling pursuit

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

Modern pentathlon

Mended to 5 new disciplines; mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy-riding and arson

Marathon

Safe route has yet to be decided but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on the way

Swimming

Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the ship canal. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.

Mens 50km walk

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police canâ??t guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of London.

Closing ceremony

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing in the community by a happy band of anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the community choir.

The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium.

The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

[Raistlin]

The doctor told me I was having an "out of body experience"

I was beside myself

[Raistlin]

Posh Beckham: "After hearing about Cheryl, I will be canceling all trips to and around Malaria."

[Raistlin]

Lightning.

Sporadic disappointment for moths.

[Raistlin]

Channel 4 Advert:

"And for the first time, Gok will be doing a boy"

Somehow, I don't think that's true...

[Raistlin]

I've got a time machine.

I get in and it takes me seven hours into the future,

I call it... Bed.

[Bizarra]

Well hidden blonde

There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette.

They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage.

So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops.

The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave.

So they go out the back door and they see this barn.

They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor.

See tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack.

Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around.

They go into the barn and look everywhere.

One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks".

So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself.

He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks.

Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!"

[Bizarra]

The Emotional Horse

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".

So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".

[Bizarra]

Blonde Paints the Kitchen

There was a Blonde and her husband.

One morning the husband leaves for work and the blonde gets up. She's determined to prove to her husband that blondes arn't dumb, by painting the kitchen.

When her husband gets home he says to his wife "Honey why do you have 3 coats on?"

The blonde says, "Well the directions on the paint said to use three coats for best results."

[Bizarra]

Blonde in Space

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.

"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"

After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.

Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.

Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."

The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"

The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

[Bizarra]

Blame The Dog

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.

Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

[Bizarra]

Haunted from the grave

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."

[Bizarra]

Bad Luck

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

[Raistlin]

My application to join an IT firm was rejected today.

When filling out the form, under "Sexual Orientation" apparently 'I won't shag northern birds' wasn't appropriate business etiquette...

[Raistlin]

Today I bought a rape alarm,

I kept forgetting when to rape people...

[Raistlin]

Just had a quick wank over Cheryl Cole.

Being a doctor does have its perks.