Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

If I ever fancy a challenge,

I just try and crack one off to that Corsodyl advert before that woman smiles.

[Bizarra]

If I ever fancy a challenge,

I just try and crack one off to that Corsodyl advert before that woman smiles.

Right! Had to check out which one . Here it is for the benefit of all & should keep Raist quiet for about 1 minute [ max]

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Privacy fears over gay teen site.

Apparantly they are worried about a deadly virus getting in through the back door...

[Raistlin]

Seeing your partner on wild silk sheets drizzled in organic maple syrup in a blurred motion,

Slurred moaning,

A constant twitching throughout the night,

Shaking under fine movements,

A complete numbing sensation,

Loss of awareness of local body parts.

This is just not just sex,

This is M&S sex...

[Raistlin]

Yahoo news: 'Bomb defuser has fingers blown off by friendly explosion'

He's not pressing charges...

[Raistlin]

So, it turns out that refusing a Muslim entry to a swimming pool, gesturing to the 'No Bombing' sign, is enough to lose your job as a lifeguard.

[Raistlin]

Wasnt it Oscar Wilde who said " The only things worse than being talked about, is not being talked about" ?

I beg to differ when your known as the local village paedophile...

[Raistlin]

Sex is like a petrol station.

Sometimes you get good service.

Sometimes you get bad service,

And sometimes you have to use self service...

As you are fully aware... Vic

[Bizarra]

Sex is like a petrol station.

Sometimes you get good service.

Sometimes you get bad service,

And sometimes you have to use self service...

As you are fully aware... Vic

I know, Raist You keep droning on about it

[Raistlin]

I just got my new shower gel and the description read: 'A rich, indulgent caress with sumptuous satin, honeysuckle and almond oil.'

It sound's a lot like a video I watched on PornHub....

[Raistlin]

I had a crafty wank earlier.

There was glue and paper everywhere...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Beckham will never manage England

Or even English...

[Raistlin]

I've been staring at myself in the mirror for the past hour trying to watch myself blink.

It's so frustrating I've missed it everytime...

[Raistlin]

Bruce Forsyth will be having an open coffin funeral at his own request.

His family agreed that it would be nice to see him...

[Raistlin]

BBC NEWS - Londonderry is UK City of Culture

Well there's something the IRA can be proud of.

[Raistlin]

Cruise control.

The ultimate must have accessory for fat lazy bastards who can't even be arsed to push their foot down...

Invented by the Americans wasn't it ?

[Bizarra]

Departed Friend

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body.

So his two best friends, Dermot and Tony, were sent for. Dermot went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Dermot said "Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Dermot looked and said "Nope, it ain’t Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Tony to identify the body Tony took a look at him and said "Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over. " The mortician rolled him over and Tony looked down and said "No, it ain’t Paddy."

The mortician asked "How can you tell?"

Tony said "Well, Paddy had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes.

Every time we went into town, folks would say

"Here comes Paddy with them two assholes"

[Raistlin]

It was only when I started telling people that I serviced buoys for a living, that I realised what a deep set hatred people have of this country's coastal services...

[Raistlin]

As a complete and utter narcissist, I genuinely believe that I am the sexiest bastard in the world.

I can't even look in the mirror without getting a massive hard-on at my incredible good looks and physical attractiveness.

Unfortunately, this does create unnecessary tension whenever I visit my identical twin brother...

[Raistlin]

The Jewish Museum in London has re-opened its doors, following a £10m refurbishment sponsored by British Gas.

[Raistlin]

When I was sitting on the train the other day, the girl opposite me was talking to her friend on her mobile and I overheard her say that no bloke had ever given her an orgasm.

Being the gentlemen, I stood up and gave her one of mine.

[Raistlin]

BBC News:"Katie Price fears book about her sex secrets will damage her reputation"

Well, she hasn't been in the news for a while.

I was wondering how long it would take for an "old friend" to suddenly "tell all" about her being a slut and therefore "ruin" her "career"...

[Raistlin]

The latest update from Apple states that "0.55 is the percent of all iPhone 4 users that called about the antenna or reception"

Don't think it mentioned the other 99.45% that tried

[Raistlin]

Sex Tips For Men:

* Stimulate her clitoris with your fingers by gently fondling the area.

* Find her G-Spot. G-spot stimulation can give a woman a big orgasm

* Learn to give great massages. They make great foreplay.

* Candles are very effective at creating a romantic atmosphere.

* Experiment with different positions to give your partner a mind-blowing orgasm.

* Surprise your partner with kinky outfits and spontaneous sex at any time of the day.

* If you run your tongue around her clitoral head, concentrating on the 10 o'clock and 2 o'clock marks on either side, and then gently slip your tongue beneath the hood, you'll have her moaning from ecstasy.

* Move slowly and don't rush things. Getting overly excited won't do you any good so just keep things calm and at an unhurried, steady tempo. She'll be impressed with your ability to control yourself.

Sex Tips For Women:

* Surprise your partner by skipping foreplay.

* When sex is finished, call yourself a taxi.

[Raistlin]

Whats three foot long and keeps a dick warm ?

A Liverpool scarf...