Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a toilet and an American?

One's full of shit and the other's a toilet.

[Raistlin]

A Ginger woman in knee high boots came up to me last night and said, "Fancy having sex, £40 ?"

I thought, sex is sex.

I'm glad I did, the £40 managed to pay for my drinks all night.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between ignorance and indifference ?

I don't know and I don't care...

[Raistlin]

Yesterday, after having a delicious meal, I decided to rest and let my food go down by watching some television.

One of those Live Aid adverts came on, and it got me thinking about how those poor African children have never had a proper meal, and the fact that I have three a day.

But now, thanks to me, some lucky children over there will now know what it feels like to feel completely full with food.

I have written a detailed letter to them explaining the feeling.

[Raistlin]

Just bought some Sainsburys sausages with a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front.

On the back it says: 'Prick with a fork'.

I can't argue with that...

[Raistlin]

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma...

[Raistlin]

I don't understand double entendres, can you please fill me in...

[Raistlin]

Awkward is when your mum is tidying your room and says, "Are these sad tissues or happy tissues ?"

[Raistlin]

I was having a wank whilst watching porn at work yesterday when I suddenly heard a police siren.

It was so loud I nearly fell off my ladder...

[Bizarra]

Sex Tips For Men:

* Stimulate her clitoris with your fingers by gently fondling the area.

* Find her G-Spot. G-spot stimulation can give a woman a big orgasm

* Learn to give great massages. They make great foreplay.

* Candles are very effective at creating a romantic atmosphere.

* Experiment with different positions to give your partner a mind-blowing orgasm.

* Surprise your partner with kinky outfits and spontaneous sex at any time of the day.

* If you run your tongue around her clitoral head, concentrating on the 10 o'clock and 2 o'clock marks on either side, and then gently slip your tongue beneath the hood, you'll have her moaning from ecstasy.

* Move slowly and don't rush things. Getting overly excited won't do you any good so just keep things calm and at an unhurried, steady tempo. She'll be impressed with your ability to control yourself.

Sex Tips For Women:

* Surprise your partner by skipping foreplay.

* When sex is finished, call yourself a taxi.

I am a Taxi ! Happy now ?

[Bizarra]

Aliens

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a petrol station that had been closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The petrol pump, (of course), didn’t respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn’t do that if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire."

The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don’t want to do that; You really don’t want to make him mad!"

"Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion.

A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge.

"If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien.

"When a guy has a prick he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don’t mess with him."

[Bizarra]

Things That Are Difficult To Say When Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I’m married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I’m not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I’m not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination I’d hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[Bizarra]

Pinocchio

Pinocchio is all grown up, and has moved out. One day, he meets Gepetto in a bar, and starts confiding in him.

"Whenever I’m having sex with a girl, she complains about splinters." he says.

Gepetto looks all wise, and tells him that whenever he feels "lucky’, he should rub sandpaper on his "member’.

Happy, Pinocchio says he’ll try it.

A few weeks later, Gepetto spots Pinocchio walking down the street, he stops him, and asks how its going with the girls, now, to which Pinocchio replies, "Hey, who needs girls?"

[Bizarra]

Rats

Two rats in a sewer - been eating shit all day.

The one rat says to the other rat "I’m sick of eating shit all day"

"Cheer up" says the other rat "We’re on the piss tonight !"

[Bizarra]

Best of British

Be very proud to be British Because:

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v Battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

And finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

RULE BRITANNIA!!

[Raistlin]

I've just seen Peter Andre on TV saying he feels like a new man.

Looking at him, I wouldn't have thought he'd have too much trouble getting one...

[Raistlin]

I can't believe I'm being questioned by the Police again over the robbery at Fruit of the Loom,

Christ - been there, done that, got the... Whoops

[Raistlin]

Last night my wife reminded me that it was our daughters birthday today and told me to go get her something.

She also asked if i could get her a box of tissues because our son had a cold and some lube for later.

So I popped off to the store and found my daughter a Miley Cyrus concert dvd, which I took up to the counter along with the lube and a box of tissues.

Safe to say I am never going back there again...

[Raistlin]

Golf.

The only time when it's acceptable for a man to hold an iron.

[Raistlin]

Womens Golf.

The only time that the words 'Women' And 'Driver' should be used in the same sentence.

[Raistlin]

I made a breakthrough today..

So I've stopped buying cheap toilet roll...

[Raistlin]

Do Welsh people ever look up at the clouds and masturbate?

[Raistlin]

On his way home Vic saw a dirty homeless man with a sign that read 'Will dance for money'.

He said it was the best lap dance he'd ever had...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: UK's oldest person dies aged 111

Society wins again.

[Raistlin]

God created Adam and said, "I have given you everything you could ever want, is there anything else you would like ?"

Adam replied, "I would like a sandwich," to which God created Eve...