Raistlin's Joke Page

[Bizarra]

God created Adam and said, "I have given you everything you could ever want, is there anything else you would like ?"

Adam replied, "I would like a sandwich," to which God created Eve...

Ok, Ok, Don't sweat it I get the joke

But for a "Proper " sandwich he should have given him two Eves.

[Raistlin]

God created Adam and said, "I have given you everything you could ever want, is there anything else you would like ?"

Adam replied, "I would like a sandwich," to which God created Eve...

Ok, Ok, Don't sweat it I get the joke

But for a "Proper " sandwich he should have given him two Eves.

Or another Adam

[Raistlin]

Apparently Omid Djalili is Iranian.

Why doesn't he tell us this more often?

[Raistlin]

A Jewish son asks his father for £50.

The father replies £40 ?

What the hell do you need £30 for ?

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend says she loves being a kept woman.

But her futile attempts to escape from my basement suggest otherwise...

[Raistlin]

The most popular iPhone App of the month:

Public Telephone Box Locator...

[Raistlin]

I was lying in bed with my blonde girlfriend last night when she said, "I think my boobs are too small, I'm going to get a boob job."

"Hmm," I replied, "my hands are too small... what do you think I should do ?"

"Do you want a hand job ?"

She's a keeper...

[Raistlin]

Sky News: Donkey is forced to parasail over beach

"I thought Heskey would've been well up for it?"

[Raistlin]

I was walking along the canal last night and there were two drunken Irishmen drowning in the water, so I saved them,

On my phone.... as a screensaver...

[Raistlin]

My ex-girlfriend called me up last night and said in a sultry voice "Hi... why don't you come over ? There's nobody here"

So I went round and true enough there was nobody there...

[Raistlin]

I got sacked as a lifeguard today.

Turns out the kids have to be dying before you can kiss them...

[Raistlin]

Just got a text from my mate inviting me to a Limbo contest in Essex.

It simply read:

"limbo competition... Harlow, can you go ?"

[Raistlin]

So Joe Cole has gone to Liverpool ?

He must feel exactly how Bill Gates would feel if he opened up a market stall and sold mouse mats...

[Raistlin]

Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed,

Little Bo Peep was giving him head.

As soon as he came, she started to weep,

She knew by the taste he'd been doing her sheep...

[Raistlin]

Earlier today I was walking past a wind farm, and I saw one of the turbines had a huge set of headphones on, and I could hear Metallica playing through them.

Turns out it was just a huge metal fan...

[Raistlin]

Don't mean to boast but the sock under my bed is a windsock...

[Raistlin]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Raistlin]

Call Of Duty: Scottish Edition.

Not much happens, you just sit in a trench drinking booze all the time...

[Raistlin]

BBC News : 'Cheryl Cole Down To Only 84 Pounds'

Now that's what I call a bargain...

[Raistlin]

I overheard one of my female colleagues discussing sex with her friends, and how she loves being taken from behind when she's least expecting it.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I'm up in court for sentencing tomorrow...

[Raistlin]

Headline: Cole fears voice ruined.

I suggest that she rubs Vic on her chest.

Yours sincerely,

Vic

[Raistlin]

BBC News: HIV rate rises among over-50s

Looks like I'll be cancelling my Saga holiday then.

[Bizarra]

Aircraft Maintenance

Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. They are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.

(P)=Problem, (S)=Solution

(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) (S) (P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction lock cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That’s what they’re there for.

(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

(P) Weather Radar hums

(S) Reprogramed Weather Radar with the lyrics.

[Bizarra]

Greedy Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink.

While he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off of the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it into his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole!

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No, What?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table.....WHOLE!"

"Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, " replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight. The little bastard. Sorry, I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and then leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar, grabs it, sticks it up it’s butt, pulls it out, and then eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, What?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, " replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first!!"

[Bizarra]

Different Perspective

Scenario.

A girl and boy have been having a relationship for about four months. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go on to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective houses. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:

Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn’t say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he’s still a bit funny and I’m trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it’s me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I’m not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don’t know what the hell that means because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything so when we get back to his place I’m wondering if he’s going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I’m going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and I dunno I just don’t know what he thinks anymore, I mean, do you think he’s met someone else ???

His story:

Shit day at work. Great shag later.