Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole.

His neighbour, seeing him there, decides to investigate.

"Whatcha doin?" he asked. Mongo replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."

"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbour.

Mongo shot back, "That's because he's inside your cat !'

[Calisto]

These are just great hun!!!!

[Raistlin]

Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the

church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration -

that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper.

"Gladly," responded the good man.

When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at

once to the "appreciation" column. There he read: "The minister extends

his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in

which it was given."

[Raistlin]

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money ?"

The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy ! You men are all alike." sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."

[Raistlin]

Ventriliquist cowboy walks into town and sees Indian sitting on his porch.

Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?

Indian: Dog no talk.

Cowboy: Hey dog, hows it going?

Dog: Doin alright.

Indian: [extreme look of shock]

Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

Dog: Yep

Cowboy: How's he treat you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

Indian: [look of disbelief]

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Indian: Horse no talk.

Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?

Horse: Cool.

Indian: [extremer look of shock]

Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

Horse: Yep

Cowboy: How's he treat you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Indian: [total look of amazement]

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?

Indian: Sheep Lie!!

[Raistlin]

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

[Raistlin]

A blonde and a brunette are living together.

The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist.

The brunette asked why the rope was around her waist.

The blonde said that she was trying to commit suicide.

The brunette said, "You put it around your neck!"

The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe!"

[Raistlin]

A friend of mine just got divorced.

He and his ex-wife split the house.

He got the outside.

[Raistlin]

The angry wife met her husband at the door.

His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick. "I assume," she barked, "there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is!" he replied, "Breakfast."

[Raistlin]

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came

to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

It's all so beautiful" she replied. "Everything is

wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you've given me. The middle one

pushes the other two out and I'm constantly

knocking them with my arms."

She went on to tell Him that since many other

parts of her body came in pairs,

such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc ....

she felt that having only

two breasts might leave her body more

"symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

"That is a fair point, but it was my first shot at

this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts,

so I figured that you needed only half of those,

but I see that you are right. I will fix it up

right away."

And He reached down, removed the middle breast and

tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve

in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one

oversight on your part. You see, all the animals

are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her

bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I

feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve,

you are right. How could I have overlooked this?

You do need a mate and I will immediately

create a man from a part of you.

Now let's see............ where did I put

that useless tit?"

[Raistlin]

What are the three fastest means of communication ?

Internet, Telephone, Telawoman !

[Raistlin]

Why do they call it PMS ?

Mad Cow disease was already taken.

[Raistlin]

I know a husband and wife who have separate bedrooms, drive different cars, take separate vacations, work different shifts, have their own computers, and even have their own ISPs, separate e-mail addresses and Home Pages.

They say they're doing everything they can to keep their marriage together.

[Raistlin]

A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island. For twenty years he never sees another human being.

Then one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off, washes up on a piece of driftwood.

He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and eating fruits and berries.

She says, "Well, what did you do for love?" He says, "Love? What's that?" She says, "I'll show you."

She shows him. Then she shows him again.

Then she shows him one more time.

When they're finally done, she says, "Well, how do you like love?"

He says, "It's great, But look what you did to my clam digger."

[Raistlin]

Benefits of having Alzheimer's:

You can wrap your own presents.

You are always meeting new friends.

[Raistlin]

"I'm finished with Judi!" Jon exclaimed to his friend.

"She broke down and told me she was bisexual.

Who the hell wants to screw just twice a year ?"

[Raistlin]

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a £20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

[Raistlin]

This has got to be one of the cleverest

E-mail's I've received in a while.

Someone out there either has too much

Spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

[Raistlin]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch and some beef jerky.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.

She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'.

'I asked him what to give you'.

He said, screw him. Give him a fiver.'

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

[Raistlin]

How do you get an elephant into the fridge?

1. Open door.

2. Insert elephant.

3. Close door.

How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?

1. Open door.

2. Remove elephant.

3. Insert giraffe.

4. Close door.

How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge?

The door won't close.

How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge?

There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.

How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?

By the footprints in the butter.

[Raistlin]

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good

looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a

pile of cow pat and dives down toward her.

"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm,

"...but is this stool taken?"

[Raistlin]

Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?

A: It changes their blood type.

[Raistlin]

Q. What's better than roses on your piano ?

A. Tulips on your organ

[Raistlin]

The company president called the chief security guard into his office.

"Chuck, we've received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don't belong.

These unwanted advances will have to stop."

Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, "I'm sorry, Sir. I won't' do it again."

The company president said, "I'm sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that."

Chuck's face lit up. "Ms Jones?!!!! I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!!!!"

[Raistlin]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die".

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.

3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.

4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.