Raistlin's Joke Page

[Bizarra]

Heavens Ugliest Women

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

[Bizarra]

Johnny's Heavy Wagon

Little Johnny was going to his fathers house one day and he was packing everything in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.

He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill.

He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This God damn thing is so heavy"

A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God hears you...He is everywhere...He's in the church...He's on the sidewalk...He's everywhere"

Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon"?

The priest replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon"

Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling"

[Raistlin]

Due to his age Vic was getting examined by his doctor earlier.

He was holding his balls in his hand and he said "Don't worry it's quite common to get an erection in these circumstances"

Vic said " But I haven't got an erection", "No" said the doctor "But I have"...

[Raistlin]

I went into ASDA yesterday and bought a six pack of Sprite,

But when I was walking out I got stopped and searched by the security,

It turns out I'd picked 7 up...

[Raistlin]

A priest driving down the road, accidently hits a frog.

The priest gets out of his car to check on the frog, to find it still alive but barely.

He takes the frog home, puts it in bed, and gradually nurses it back to health with fly soup.

As he leaves the room, the frog asks "Before you go can you read me a story ?", the priest gets a book and read to the frog, when he's finished he gives the frog a kiss on the cheek, at which point the frog is magically transformed into a small boy...

...and that milord is the case for the defense.

[Bizarra]

Due to his age Vic was getting examined by his doctor earlier.

He was holding his balls in his hand and he said "Don't worry it's quite common to get an erection in these circumstances"

Vic said " But I haven't got an erection", "No" said the doctor "But I have"...

Mustn't waste them Luckily he fancied the Receptionist

The Doctor didn't do anything for me & I don't subscribe to "Any Port in a Storm"

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend's always accusing of me of pretending to be Irish, so she is.

[Raistlin]

"Kidnapping" is a strong word.

I prefer to think of it as "Surprise Adoption"

[Raistlin]

This tramp asked me for 50P for a sandwich,

I said "Lets see the sandwich first"...

[Raistlin]

My Doctor has advised me to start running.

I'm not ill or anything, I've been shagging his wife.

[Raistlin]

My wife text me after a row to say I was very condescending.

To be honest I was surprised she could spell it

[Bizarra]

What's In The Bag

Little Johnny goes to school one day and the teacher has a brown paper bag

She reaches her hand in it and says it's round, it's got a stem, and it's got a leaf.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says it's an Apple, it's an Apple.

Then he says now let me give you one.

He reaches his hand in his pocket and says it's round, it's hard , and it's got a head.

The teacher says Ohh Johnny that's gross.

Little Johnny says no it's a quarter but I like the way you're thinking.

[Bizarra]

The Emotional Horse

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".

So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".

[Bizarra]

Two brothers, both Scots, named Jock and Sandy, go into business together. At the end of the first year they try to balance their account books, but were $9.50 short. They tried again and again, but no matter which way they tried to do it, they always came out $9.50 short.

"Tell me the truth, Sandy," asked Jock, "Are you keeping a woman on the side?"

[Bizarra]

Little Johnny was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a woman about to breast feed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out a very large breast and popped the nipple into the child's mouth.

"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?" Little Johnny asked.

"Relax, son. She's just feeding him," his father replied.

"Goodness me!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "There's no way he'll eat all of that!"

[Bizarra]

Nurse

I went to see the nurse at the doctors this morning for my annual check-up.

She said I had to stop wanking.

When I asked why she said, "Because I’m trying to examine you!"

[Bizarra]

Shiftwork

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.

Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How’d you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That’s my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can’t believe this happened. Why didn’t you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven’t spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn’t about to start now!"

[Raistlin]

I nervously stepped through the door of my local brothel today.

It was the first time I'd seen the outside world in weeks...

[Raistlin]

If a woman is driving in a forest and no one is there,

Can we still hear her stalling it ?

[Raistlin]

Sky news: Darth Vader caught on CCTV robbing New York Bank

Why didn't he wear a disguise...

[Raistlin]

After my first visit to Amsterdam, I loved it so much I decided to go and live there.

And work as a window-cleaner.

[Raistlin]

My wife caught me wanking.

She said, "You make me feel sick."

I said, "The alternative is for us to have sex."

She said, "Sorry to disturb you, carry on."

[Raistlin]

Alex Hurricane Higgins has died.

They can't put him an ordinary urn...... It'll need to be a fantastic pot.

[Raistlin]

Women fake an orgasm to have a relationship,

Men fake a relationship to have an orgasm...

[Bizarra]

Don't Cheat On A Blonde

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"