Raistlin's Joke Page

[Bizarra]

Caught Speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want

to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and

calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior

officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this

car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,

please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving

license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and

hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and

examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't

have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked

up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

[Bizarra]

Hanging a blonde

A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself.

A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.

"What are you doing." they ask her.

So she replies "Hanging myself."

The men are confused and asked "If you are hanging youself, you put the rope around your neck."

The blond says "Duh....I tried that, I couldn't breath."

[Bizarra]

Mexican, an American, and a Pole

A Mexican, an American, and a Pole are all in an airplane Flying over Mexico.

The Mexican drops a pear on his country.

When the American asks why he says he loves his country.

Then they're flying over the US and the American drops an Apple.

When the Pole asks why he says because he loves his country.

Then they're flying over the Pole's country and the Pole drops a bomb.

When the American and the Mexican ask why he says because he hates his country.

A while later the Mexican is walking the streets and he sees a boy who is crying.

He asks why and the boy says because a pear fell out of the sky and hit him on the head.

The American is walking the streets and he sees a little girl crying.

When he asks her why she says because an Apple fell out of the sky and hit her on the head.

The Pole is walking the streets and he comes to a man that is laughing.

When he asks him why the man says, "Because I farted and the building behind me blew up!"

[Bizarra]

You know what I want?

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses and lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don’t you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "By the looks of it the whole fukkin bed !"

[Bizarra]

Stuck Pig

A farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Landcruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice.

"There’s a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he’s kicking and squealing so much I can’t get him free" he said.

"Okay," said the boss.

"In the back of the "cruiser there’s a pistol Put it up to the pig’s head and shoot it.

When its body goes all limp you’ll be able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush."

About 45 minutes later the farmhand called in again,

"I did what you said, boss.I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbar, no problem. But I still can’t go on."

"Why not?" Asked the boss. "What’s the problem?"

"Well it’s his motorbike ... the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch."

[Raistlin]

Why when diver are sat on the edge of a boat going into the water go backwards in ?

Well if they went forwards they would headbutt the floor of the boat...

[Raistlin]

"Doctor, Doctor, I've woken up to find myself turned into a giant £20 note!"

"Oh dear, have you considered plastic surgery?"

"What do you think I am, made of money?"

[Raistlin]

Just watched the WKD advert, where the bloke walks in to the toilet to have a dump whilst his wife's taking a relaxing bath.

After laughing at it, my girlfriend turns to me and says, "I bet you a man made this"

Of course a man made it, it's an advert not a Sunday roast.

[Raistlin]

ITN News: British Navy Seals dock in Jordan,

That woman never ceases to amaze...

[Raistlin]

The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard;

- has to work at great depths;

- has to work upside down;

- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;

- has to work in a high humidity environment;

- has to work at high temperatures;

- does not get weekends and holidays off;

- even has to work more at weekends and holidays

- does not get time off after extra hours of work;

- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request Denied ... for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row;

- does not answer immediately to all requests;

- needs continuous attention to perform at work;

- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;

- retires too early;

- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;

- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work;

- sometimes leaves work, too early

Although it is noted that:

Often arrives much earlier than expected

Shows an inordinate keenness to work

Willing to work at extraordinary times without much persuasion

Happy to try out new jobs in different positions

Prefers working without any special clothing

Always happy to try alternative locations

[Raistlin]

When it comes to getting women, my friends have nicknamed me "The Cat."

Not because I'm smooth, but because I'm chasing birds all day and the only ones I bring home are dead.

[Raistlin]

My wife has just committed suicide.

According to the note I've just written.

[Bizarra]

No Talking For 30 Days

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

The man says "Oh just a beer".

The bartender asked the man "What's wrong,why are you so down today?".

The man said "My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month".

The bartender said "So what's wrong with that"?

The man said "Well the month is up tonight".

[Bizarra]

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Shit, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!

[Bizarra]

The Accident

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[Bizarra]

Freds' Note

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

[Bizarra]

All American Hero

Two Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.

One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said,"Kin ya swaller?"

She shook her head"No."

"Kin ya breath?"

Again she shakes her head "No."

The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands, turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks arse! Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed causing the food to dislodge. The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls down her skirt, turns her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat.

His companion is sitting there stunned."I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!" he says to his friend.

"Yeah, I tell ya, that Hind Lick manoeuvre works every time!"

[Bizarra]

Sportsmans Double

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old.

We drank a bit, and talked awhile, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double.

"What’s that?" I asked.

"It’s a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No."

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

We went back to her place.

She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"

[Bizarra]

Student Insults

It's impossible to believe that the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

I would not allow this student to breed.

Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

[Raistlin]

Vic walks into a library and asks for a book on small penises.

"I don't think it's in yet" say's the clerk.

"Yes that's the one..."

[Raistlin]

I've just flown with Ryanair and would like to congratulate them.

We landed at an airport only fifteen minutes from the resort.

Well, fifteen minutes by telephone...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Boy found dead in tumble-dryer.

The mother has been given Comfort from the relatives.

[Raistlin]

I watched Top Gear on Sky Plus tonight with Cameron Diaz,

My hand went from 0-60 in 1.2 seconds...

[Bizarra]

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[Raistlin]

I've decided to grow my hair long as a prevention to cancer, because have you ever noticed how cancer patients mostly shave their heads,

Coincidence, I think not...