Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Kynan met a girl in a pub last night and he ended up going back to her house.

After a few more drinks he started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.

She looked at him and said, "Let's take this upstairs".

He said, "Ok, you grab one end and I'll grab the other".

[Raistlin]

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot

2. To be hung

3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."

They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing.

The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom"

[Raistlin]

'Boy of four dies in tumble dryer during a game of hide and seek' Police said his last words were "I'm getting warmer

[Bizarra]

Comebacks

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

I see the wheel is spinning, but the hamster looks dead.

If you had another brain, it would be lonely.

[Bizarra]

Insulting Men

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

He is the kind of a man that you could use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

If you were my dog, I'd shave your butt and teach you to walk backwards.

You've got an IQ of 2. Pitty it takes 3 to grunt.

[Bizarra]

Insulting Women

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Your so narrow minded when you walk your earings knock together.

Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.

Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

[Bizarra]

10 Signs You Might Be Trailer Trash

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

[Bizarra]

Insults

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

[Bizarra]

Insult Jokes

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

I bet your mother has a loud bark!

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

[Bizarra]

Silent Fart

An old couple sat in Church.

During the service the old man whispers to his wife, "I just done a silent fart, what should I do?"

His wife says "Put a fuckin Battery in your hearing aid!’

[Bizarra]

Housing Benefit

Apparently true letters to Islington Council’s Housing Department:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

6. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.

7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

8. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

9. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

10. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s getting too much.

12. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it.

14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

15. Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife.

16. I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction.

[Raistlin]

The Gag reflex

Separating Sluts from Porn Stars

[Raistlin]

Katie Price has said she will give up eating pork because she has been given a baby pig as a wedding present.

Damn, I should have sent her an oxygen cylinder...

[Raistlin]

Women are like a deck of cards,

You need a Heart to love one,

A Diamond to marry one,

A Club to smash her over the back of her head and a Spade to bury the bitch.

[Bizarra]

In case anyone is worried I haven't reformed

Church Signs

"No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!"

A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."

"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

"Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives":

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?"

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

"In the dark? Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

[Raistlin]

Sex is like oxygen.

It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

[Raistlin]

lonely

There's a fat girl for that...

[Raistlin]

Why do women have larger hips than men ?

To balance the washing basket on...

[Raistlin]

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating.

But only 10% enters the female.

And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty...

[Raistlin]

These wind farms you see everywhere are ridiculous,

As if this country doesn't have enough wind of its own without wasting electricity making more of it by running these big fans...

[Bizarra]

These wind farms you see everywhere are ridiculous,

As if this country doesn't have enough wind of its own without wasting electricity making more of it by running these big fans...

Forests of them around Raist's house

Plenty of wind there & Hot Air is more valuable

[Raistlin]

Due to wasting my breath trying to teach you English....

[Bizarra]

Dirty Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

[Bizarra]

Blueberry hill

It was the first day of a new school year.

Three boys arrive at class late and the teacher asks the first boy "Why are you tardy," the boy replies "I've been on Blueberry Hill" the teacher said "Take your seat."

She asks the next boy why he was late. "I was on Blueberry Hill also" he replied.

Then she asked the third boy, but he replied with the same answer.

As the boys we're sitting down a girl arrives in.

"Let me guess", said the teacher. "You where on Bluberry Hill aslo"

"NO.... I am Blueberry Hill" replied the girl.

[Bizarra]

Use the other hand

A professor gave his class an assignment, and the only reason for not finishing it would be if you were sick or a close relative died.

So this guy raised his hand and said " What about sexual exhaustion?"

The whole class burst out laughing.

After the laughter died down the professor replied " Maybe you should consider using the other hand!!!!!"