Raistlin's Joke Page

[Bizarra]

Ridem Cowboy

The local yokel got married and his honeymoon was the first time he'd been off the farm.

He'd saved for twenty years for this, so could afford a classy hotel.

Checking in he said "Me and the new WIFE would like to hire your best room for a week"

"Certainly sir" replied the receptionist. "Would you like the Bridal"?

The yokel looked a bit uncertain, then said "Naw, reckon not, a'll just hang onto her ears 'til a get the hang of it"

[Bizarra]

Sex in the dark

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."

The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

[Bizarra]

A Man At The Beach

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

[Bizarra]

I Need It Badly

Now I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.

I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me no one would ever know.

I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.

I am very desperate and I need your help.

You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.

I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so.

Do you have a piece of gum?

[Bizarra]

Devil Joke

Three guys die and go to hell.

When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.

"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.

"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.

So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"

To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"

As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.

"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.

"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"

[Bizarra]

Truck Driver

One day an old man sat down on a bench and across the street he saw a little boy sitting on the curb.

The old man sat and watched him and saw that he was holding a cat by the tail and had candy in his hand.

Every few minutes, the little boy would pop a few pieces of candy in his mouth, bite the cat on the tail, and scoot down a little bit.

After the man watched the little boy for a few minutes he walked over and asked the little boy what he was doing.

The little boy replied, "I'm playing truck driver!" "Playing truck driver?" the man asked.

"Yeah, I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and moving on down the line!"

[Raistlin]

Apparently there has been a 25% increase in the number of women having "virginity repair surgery".

May I be the first to offer my services to help unsatisfied women reverse this procedure free of charge...

[Raistlin]

Bizarra is about as useful as the other half of the "Countdown" clock

[Raistlin]

What do you call a man with twin teenage daughters ?

Mate

[Raistlin]

Apparently Steps are thinking of getting back together.

They've all applied for jobs in Burger king.

[Raistlin]

Scientists managed to build a robot that walked 14 miles unaided this week.

The Proclaimers were unimpressed...

[Raistlin]

I get paid £350 a week to have sex all day, it's great.

I'd advise you all to become foster parents...

[Bizarra]

Bizarra is about as useful as the other half of the "Countdown" clock

Thanks, Raist! I love you too.......................Not :lol2:

[Raistlin]

My bride looked absolutely beautiful stood at the altar with a tear running down her cheek.

Apparently...

[Raistlin]

I woke up this morning with anal blindness,

I couldn't see myself getting my ass out of bed...

[Raistlin]

Yesterday my wife asked me to give her £20 pounds to buy some roast steak to the butcher .

I pulled her out to the kitchen and I held a £20 pounds in front of the mirror and said Sweetheart do you see that £20 note in the mirror ?

She said Yes, That one belongs to you and this one belongs to me, and I go out for a beer.

The next day I come home and I see roasted meat from one end of the table to the other and I asked her Honey where has all this meat come from ?

She took me back to the mirror lifts up her dress and drops her knickers and then points to the mirror and said The one in the mirror is yours honey and this one belongs to the butcher.

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a bar in Saudi Arabia.

20 lashes and 6 months in jail later...

[Raistlin]

I read this book, written by a feminist, describing how women should have equal rights, equal pay and how they are just as good as men in all aspects of life.

I absolutely loved it.

I'm a big fan of science fiction.

[Raistlin]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes, The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,

'Thank you, but i failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes, Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.' for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KaZaM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world, for her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. and he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.' So, KaZaM-she's the richest woman in the world

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them

ATTENTION: female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers : Please scroll down.

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love. X X X

[Raistlin]

County Down....

Ireland's Retard

[Raistlin]

This kitchen staff really helps my wife get the cooking done quicker.

I say staff... its just a big stick I use to beat her with...

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a Latvian girl and a washing machine.

A washing machine doesn't spit out your load when it's finished.

[Bizarra]

County Down....

Ireland's Retard

County Surrey

England's county with a fringe on top. "Suits you Sir!" Feeble, I know, but have to retaliate

[Raistlin]

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up.

Afterward, the Doc comes out with the results. "I'm afraid you're dying of cancer, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."

[Raistlin]

My brother wanted a book about horror for his birthday.

'The scarier, the better', he said.

So I bought him The Koran...