Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

After hearing about the boy in the tumble dryer,

My neighbours kid tried the same thing.

Luckily, they pulled him out just before the dryer started.

Thank God, they may have just prevented a revolution there.

[Raistlin]

Three Irish guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

The first Irish guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

The second Irish guy wishes the same.

The third Irish guy says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

[Raistlin]

How do you make a cat flap ?

Throw it off a cliff...

[Raistlin]

Thought I'd vote for the "What happens, you decide" BT advert.

Turns out pushing her down the stairs is not an option

[Raistlin]

Sent Gok Wan a picture of my mother in law and said even you can't make THAT look good naked.

He sent me a label with a piece of string and said make her lie down and tie it to her big toe.

Nice one Gok...

[Raistlin]

Bizarra said that being awesome is a full time job ,

It's just too bad that he wasn't hired...

[Raistlin]

So spice up our sex life my wife said to me that I was to take control and that I could do anything to her in order to fulfil my wildest sexual fantasy.

I'm a necrophiliac.

[Raistlin]

Vodka:

Alzheimer's in a bottle...

[Raistlin]

My wife said that she's going to leave me.

But before she does, she is going to make sure that my bank balance is £0.

That's nice of her, paying off my overdraft.

[Raistlin]

What do you call a Chav in a box ?

Innit.

What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it ?

Safe.

What do you call a chav in a filing cabnet ?

Sorted.

[Raistlin]

Kynan went to see Vic and asked, "Can I have £20 for a blow job ?"

To which Vic replied, "I dunno, are you any good ?"

[Raistlin]

I was on my way back from the pub last night with a mate when he nudged me and said ''look at that, it's gorgeous. If the fronts half as good as the rear I'm having a piece of that''.

Always good advice when selecting your kebab outlet...

[Raistlin]

What do you do if you see a Ginger having sex ?

Wake up...

[Raistlin]

Dear Twilight fans,

Thank you for making us look sane and fit back into everyday society.

Yours sincerely, Trekkies.

[Raistlin]

Kynan's favourite game to play is called "Television X: Beat the clock"...

[Bizarra]

Questions Questions ..

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your mom.

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men’s restroom?

A: Say, "Nice dick."

Q: How do you know you’re leading a sad life?

A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let’s just be friends."

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?

A: Only if they don’t work

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A: If we don’t get some support soon, people are going to think we’re nuts.

Q: Why don’t bunnies make noise when they make love?

A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?

A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: Mom’s have Mother’s Day, Father’s have Father’s Day. What do single guys have?

A: Palm Sunday

Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?

A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?

A: Miracle Whip.

Q: Why did they kick the midget out of the nudist colony?

A: He was getting into everybody’s hair.

[Bizarra]

Marital Aides

A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up so she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties.

She went home and donned the new panties and selected a short skirt to go with them. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him sipping a glass of wine.

She slowly spread her legs..."Would you like some of this?"

"No way !! Look what it’s done to your knickers !!"

[Bizarra]

Bumper Sticker Collection 1

Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death

Conserve toilet paper, use both sides

Don't come knocking if the car is rocking

Don't Steal....The Government hates Competition

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain

All men are Idiots, and I married their King

DRIVE LIKE HELL.. YOU'LL GET THERE!

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film facility

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW

I love cats...they taste just like chicken

[Bizarra]

Monks Day Off

One day three monks were told by the minister that today was their day off, to do whatever they want, and at the end of the day, god would forgive them of their sins.

The monks thought this sounded like a good idea so they went off into the city.

At the end of the day the three monks returned to the church and the minister greeted them.

The first monk came up, and the minister asked, "What did you do today". The monk replied "I robbed an off-license."

"Good" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water".

The second monk came up and the minister asked the same question. "I vandalised a primary school" he answered.

"Good" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water".

The third monk stepped up and the minister repeated "and what did you do today". "I pissed in the holy water", came the reply.

[Bizarra]

Midget Surgery

There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."

[Bizarra]

Valentines Slogans

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

[Bizarra]

Fly Left Open

The manager hired a new secretary. He was young, smart, handsome and polite.

One day while taking dictation, he noticed the managers fly was open. When he was leaving the room, he courteously said, "Oh, by the way sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

The manager did not understand the secretarys remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling him in, he asked, "By the way Mr. Jones, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was also quite witty, replied, "Why no, sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

[Raistlin]

The Sun: Gas blast deaths suspicious.

Course they're suspicious, whats a house in Scotland doing with Gas

[Raistlin]

Vic appeared in court yesterday for going on a killing spree with a potato peeler.

He was charged with mash murder...

[Raistlin]

Police: Why are you eating your picnic at the side of slipway?

Vic: That sign says No picnics ahead

Police: That's just the No motorway sign

Vic: Ah...