Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My mate just brought me round an eighth of cannabis, curiously it's shaped like the Versace logo.

I love designer gear...

[Raistlin]

What do you call a Pakistan flood survivor?

Mustafa Dinghy.

[Raistlin]

A man walked into a tattoo shop.

"Good afternoon sir, what can we do for you?"

"Well, I'm really passionate about my home town, and want something done on my knuckles, you know?"

"No problem sir, what did you want exactly?"

"N-O-R-W-I-C-H on this hand, and C-I-T-Y-F-C on this one."

[Raistlin]

Give Kynan a fish and he'll eat for a day.

Give Kynan the Net and he'll wank for a week...

[Raistlin]

So the Chinese Goverment are planning on taking over Liverpool FC.

A new anthem is being planned if the Chinese Goverment buy the club - "You'll Never Wok Alone"

[Raistlin]

What do you call a fat girl with Alzheimer's?

Bulimic - she just forgets to vomit.

[Raistlin]

I don't get what all the fuss is about cloned meat. Me and the wife had a bit of beef and it was lovely.

She had a steak and I had the wing.

[Raistlin]

Hear about the Irish hitch-hiker ?

He got up early to miss the traffic.

[Raistlin]

Kynan's Tip of the day:

Laptop Speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn...

[Bizarra]

Sex education ...

A girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother.

"But then when I have a baby won’t it knock all my teeth out?"

[Bizarra]

At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something in her ear.

"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a thing like that to me?"

Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the s.o.b. that stole my diary..."

[Bizarra]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes, (he is 92).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,

"What's the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?"

I know my Dad and his quick answer was:

"I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.

I was wondering if you were my son"

[Bizarra]

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and cried until his mother came in to see what was the matter.

"I have to make pee pee", wailed Little Johnny.

"All right," said his mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom."

"No" insisted Little Johnny, "I want Grandma."

"Don't be silly, I can do the same thing as Grandma," said his mother firmly."

"Nuh-uh. Her hands shake." replied Little Johnny.

[Bizarra]

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business stinks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my a*s."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.

Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate; if I don't sell more a*s this month, I'm going to lose my car."

[Bizarra]

Two old guys were chatting.... .

One said to the other:

"The wife gave me an SUV for birthday".

Other guy responded:

"Wow, that's amazing!!...... Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

[Bizarra]

growing unemployment

Q. What's the worst thing about growing unemployment?

A. It gets harder to screw your girlfriend with her husband home.

[Bizarra]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: 'What's that?'

Lady 2: 'A condom.'

Lady 1: 'Where'd you get it?'

Lady 2: 'You can get them at any drugstore.'

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her skin of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter, she replies, "As long as it fits a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.

[Bizarra]

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago Raist was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep because his Aygo had broken down again. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night !

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,!and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

[Bizarra]

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

[Bizarra]

Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so.... The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts."

After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"

"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear."

[Bizarra]

Raist comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed.

He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says,

"What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"

He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"

[Bizarra]

The sexy little housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came into the room, he would just about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he'd finished the repair she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret.

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk

about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "

The repairman could hardly speak, he was so turned on, "Yes yes!" he stammered anxiously.

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . ." she continued hesitantly.

"Yes. yes !" he nodded affirmatively, tongue tied with desire.

When she asked, "Would you help me move the refrigerator? "

[Raistlin]

In anticipation of the Pope Visit,

I bought some great merchandise online from the Vatican City.

It was so easy, I just paid using Papal...

[Raistlin]

Whats worse than a male chauvinist pig ?

A woman that won't do what shes told...

[Raistlin]

Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?

So she could lip read.