Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Whats the best way to pull a fat bird ?

A Tractor...

[Raistlin]

I told my girlfriend that a woman should have a broom in her hands at all times.

She hates it when I make sweeping statements like that.

[Raistlin]

I understand the passion involved but I will always fight for peace" - Dervla Kirwan, Irish Actress

Only the Irish...

[Raistlin]

Are plumbers always late for appointments because they are too busy starring in porn films ?

[Raistlin]

A charity single has been released in aid of Pakistan flood relief,

Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed...

[Raistlin]

After hearing that Spurs will be facing Young boys in the Champions League,

Spurs have decided to bolster their attack by signing an unknown Forward named Glitter.

[Raistlin]

Stephen Hawking got back from his first date in 10 years,

His glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees,

Apparently she'd stood him up...

[Raistlin]

Bizarra is being questioned by the police.

"where were you between 6 and 10?" says the officer

Bizarra replies "Fecking junior school"

[Raistlin]

Just saw a Come Dine With Me from Glasgow:

Never knew there were so many ways to deep fry crystal meth.

[Raistlin]

I pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, "Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established."

The bank manager said to the clerk, "You'd better do what he says, I think he means business."

[Raistlin]

SKY NEWS: Paul Gascoigne has arrived in Pakistan with his fishing rod and a fish supper...

[Raistlin]

These so called 'speed humps' are absolute rubbish,

If anything they slow you down...

[Raistlin]

Just earned myself a cheeky blow job.

The missus came downstairs after getting ready and asked me to 'rate her beauty on a scale of one to ten.'

'You're off the scale.' was my reply.

Fortunately, she assumed I meant higher than 10...

[Raistlin]

I don't understand Christians.

They say that gambling is wrong, then bet their entire life on there being a heaven.

[Raistlin]

My local PADI school has just posted it's planned dive trips for August.

I have put my name down for the WW1 wrecks of Scapa Flow, & the sunken corner shops of the Punjab

[Raistlin]

It's hard going to a park as a single man, everybody thinks you're some sort of paedophile.

Maybe they're right, but truth is I prefer raping the single mums with low self esteem.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Scottish pop artists to hold fundraiser concert for Pakistan.

Headline acts confirmed include The Waterboys, Fish and Wet Wet Wet.

[Raistlin]

There were ten in the bed and the little one said, "BUKKAKE, BUKKAKE!"

[Raistlin]

Gandalf: "A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to."

Frodo: "You're not fooling anyone, that was premature ejaculation and you know it"

[Raistlin]

A woman walks into a pharmacy one morning and asks the guy at the counter "I would like to buy some cyanide, please."

"Why in the world do you need cyanide?" asks the pharmacist

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed. "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law, I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and our lives will be ruined.

No, I can't give you any cyanide."

The lady reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photograph of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looks at the picture and says "Well now, that changes everything... You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Raistlin]

Today I discovered that by setting fire to a barn full of sheep, it sounds exactly like an album by Duffy...

[Raistlin]

Ten Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilisation.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

[Raistlin]

It would appear that Mohammed no longer has to walk 3 miles each morning for water,

So could I have my £2.00 a month back ?

[Raistlin]

The BBC are currently filming a new sitcom starring Michael Barrymore.

It's called 'Only Pools And Corpses'.

[Raistlin]

The Pope comes to Glasgow and asks "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, wee Jimmy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Pope asked, "My son, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Wee Jimmy replied, "Your Holiness, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The Pope put one finger of one hand in Jimmy's ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.

He prayed a great prayer for Jimmy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Pope removed his hands, stood back and asked, "James, how is your hearing now?"

Wee Jimmy answered, "Ah don't know. It's no' 'til next week....."