Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Difficult words to say when you are drunk...

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Impossible words to say when you are drunk...

Thanks, but I don't want sex

No, I don't want another drink

No Kebab for me, thanks

Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me

Good evening officer

[Raistlin]

You'd have thought with all his arrests of paedophiles,

PC World would have been promoted by now.

[Raistlin]

A 12 year old lad walks into a pub and yells at the barmaid for a Scotch on the rocks.

'Do you want to get me into trouble?' she replies.

'Maybe later,' says the boy, 'but for now I just want a drink'.

[Raistlin]

What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of Kynan ?

A tattoo

[Raistlin]

Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins...

[Raistlin]

I hooked up with a Pakistani chick last night,

She was so wet before we even started...

[Raistlin]

For sale: tumble dryer, sleeps one.

[Bizarra]

A gay man went into the proctologist's office for his first internal exam.

The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the gay man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.

1. A tube of K-Y jelly

2. A rubber glove

3. A beer

When the doctor finally came in, the gay man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y Jelly is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, I said A BUTT LIGHT!"

[Raistlin]

So, from September 8th the U.S.A. will be charging $14 (£9) to get into their country.

They say the money will help promote tourism.

Let's get this straight, the Americans think that by charging people to get into the country, it will increase tourism.

That's excellent logic...

[Raistlin]

Over 4000 chavs a year die because of Tesco's cheap booze.

Every Little Helps

[Raistlin]

Note to Pakistani shopkeepers:

Always make sure you have a float in the till...

[Bizarra]

I know this isn't fair .....50 jokes in one post! But not even to boost my post count am I going to post them separately :shutit:

I also realize that SOME of them are "Old Hat" but neither am I going to waste time, doing an Edit <_<

Jokes 1-10 JFrater

1. A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”

2. A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother’s crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken.” The doctor says, “Why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says, “We would. But we need the eggs.”

3. A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

4. Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. “I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me,” he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. “I don’t know,” he says meekly, “but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast.”

5. A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. The dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

6. A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: “Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!”

7. A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. “Father O’Malley,” he says, “my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.” “My good man,” says the priest, “I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?” And the guy goes: “I’m telling everybody!”

8. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”

9. A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.” “Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.” “How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”

10. Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”

Jokes 11-20 Listverse User

11. Question: What’s the difference between “Beer Nuts” and “Deer Nuts”? Answer: “Beer Nuts” are a dollar twenty-five and “Deer Nuts” are under a buck. [Late O'Day]

12. A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and says, “I’ll bet anyone in here a beer that my pet octopus here can play any instrument you bring before it.” So, a man brings up his bugle, and the octopus begins playing reveille. After downing his free beer, the man repeats his boast. Next a man walks up with a trombone. The octopus begins playing a Glenn Miller tune perfectly. Again the man drinks his beer and repeats his boast. This time, a man brings up some bagpipes. But instead of playing it, the octopus just looks confused. The man asks, “What’s the matter, can’t you play them?” To which the octopus responds, “Play it? I’m gonna f*ck it as soon as I figure out how to get it’s clothes off!” [ben]

13. A salesman is talking to a farmer. Suddenly, this energetic pig rushes out of the barn, squealing happily and snuggling against the farmer. The pig has a wooden leg. Curiosity finally gets to the salesman. He grins and asks: “Why does this pig have a wooden leg?” The farmer glares at the salesman and warns: “You be careful what you say about this pig. This pig is real special. Let me tell ya, about a month ago we had a fire up to the house. Wife and I were asleep. This pig right here came racing across the field, banged his snout against the window — we heard it, we were saved. That pig saved our lives!” The salesman’s in awe. “Let me tell ya something else. Last week I was out plowing the back forty. The tractor went up an incline, overturned and pinned me to the ground. I couldn’t breathe. This pig … this pig right here dug me out, pulled me out by the collar and gave me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! That pig saved my life.” The salesman was thunderstruck. “Yeah, but why does he have a wooden leg?” The farmer snorted and rolled his eyes. “Are you crazy? You get a great pig like this, you don’t wanna eat him all at once!” [Late O'Day]

14. What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle? Answer: The Polar Bear [Jamesy Cotter]

15. Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Kevin R,

Bricklayer. [Fritha]

16. There was once a competition involving three gruelling tests. The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:

1.) Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go

2) Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.

3) And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.

Many people bravely tried their hand at it. Few could get beyond the first stage. And the inebriated few who managed it, got promptly eaten up by the starving lion. There was none who could read the third stage.

And then, one fine day, a nonchalant man walked into the contest. Five bottles of whiskey were nothing for him. He emptied five bottles in five gulps. Then he said, “Show me the lion!” When shown the room, he coolly walked in. There was no hint of fear on his face, but rather the cool confidence of a person who knew he could do it.

Sounds of a mammoth fight came from the room. Screams of the man and growls of the lion were intermingled. Thumps and thuds which shook the very earth ensued. All of a sudden there was a piercing, heart-rending roar from the Lion. The audience waited with bated breath, their hair stood on end. And then, as suddenly as it had begun, the titanic roar stopped. An eerie silence prevailed.

As the audience watched, with eyes popping out, the door of the room opened, and out came the man. Badly bruised, with blood streaming from his face, hands and legs, he stumbled out – victorious, nevertheless. His face had the glow of satisfaction of an emperor who had just won a battle.

And then he asked, “Where is the woman whose eyes I have to pluck out?” [dalandzadgad]

17. Sven’s walking down by the beach and sees Ole all sad and dejected. “What’s wrong?” he asks. “Oh, I tell ya, Sven … I’ve been working out, swimming at the beach here. I just can’t get the women to notice me.” Sven nods. “Ya know, Ole, I hear there’s a trick you can use. You take a potato and put it in your swimming trunks. I hear that makes the girls take notice.” Ole nods, “By golly, I’ll give that a try!” The next day, Sven sees Ole at the beach — still sad. “Ah, Sven” he sighs, “I tried that potato thing. It just didn’t work.” Sven looks at him and says: “Ya know, Ole … I think that potato is supposed to go in the front.” [Late O'Day]

18. One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT???!!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear…

“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’ll just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you, she was so excited, she must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT??!!!” I then said “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I won’t be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell. [Cheeky Monkey]

19. A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. As the barman’s pouring it the cowboy looks about him. ‘Where is everybody?’ he says. ‘Gone to the hanging,’ says the barman. ‘Hanging?’ says the cowboy.’Who they hanging?’

‘Brownpaper Pete,’ replies the barman.

‘Brownpaper Pete? Why do they call him that?’

‘Well,’ says the barman. ‘His hat’s made of brown paper, his shirt’s made of brown paper, his jacket’s made of brown paper and his trousers are made of brown paper.’ ‘Really?’ says the cowboy. ‘What they hanging him for?’

‘Rustling.’ [thebrokedown]

Jokes 21-30 Listverse Users

21. Q: How many philosophers does it take to change out a light bulb? A: Zero. Philosophers do not engage in experiments. [creosote]

22. A family wins a trip to a tropical island, and it’s just awesome. Blue sea, white beach, great people, great food… they just have a blast… except for one thing: Constant tribal drumming from a neighboring island. It just goes on 24/7. After two days the husband decides to ask a local what’s up with that, but everybody he asks ignores him. So he then walks to the harbor, gets into a canoe and starts paddling. “I’ll stop those damn drums myself!” he screams, which is heard by a local fisherman, who frantically stops the husband. “No stop drums! No stop drums!!”

“Well,” says the husband, “Why the hell not?!”

Says the fisherman: “After drum solo come bass solo.” [creosote]

23. How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up without really trying, the Italians to start, get nowhere, then try again from the other side, the Americans to finish off the job and then claim credit for the whole thing, and the Swiss to sit their in the dark and pretend that nothing happened. [JT]

24. There was a bear and a rabbit who hated each other and one day, walking through the forest they lived in they found a magical lamp. After a bit of fighting over it the bear took it and rubbed it, hoping for a genie to come out. When the genie came out of his lamp he promised the bear and the rabbit three wishes for each for releasing him from his lamp.

The bear immediately said “I want all the bears in this forest to be female” The genie granted his wish.

The rabbit thought about what to ask for a while and finally said “I want a motorbike helmet”. The helmet appeared in front of him and he promptly put it on his head.

The bear was confused about the rabbit’s wish but carried on with his second wish. “I want all the bears from the neighbouring forests to be female”.

The rabbit then said “I want a motorbike”.

The bear just couldn’t believe how strange the rabbit’s wishes were and shaking his head wished “I want all the bears in the world to be female” and the genie granted his wish.

The rabbit got on his new bike

and rode off, and when he was some 50 metres away from the bear he yelled “I wish that the bear was gay!!” [implosiveFire]

25. Pierre, the French fighter pilot(hold the chuckles, this ain’t the entire joke) and his girlfriend are out on a leisurely picnic enjoying fine Parisian cheeses and wines when caught up in the moment Pierre’s girlfriend murmurs,

“Kiss me Pierre.”

He pulls a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon out of the picnic basket and proceeds to pour it across her face then passionately kiss her.

“Pierre, what did you do that for?”

“I am Pierre the French fighter pilot and with red meat I like red wine.”

Stirred by the intimate turn the picnic is taking, she slips the top of her dress over her shoulders and says in a seductive tone,

“Kiss me lower Pierre.”

Pierre responds by pulling a moderately aged Pinot Griggio from the picnic basket and pours it across her supple breasts then licking and kissing them clean. Aroused now Pierre’s girlfriend asks once more

“Pierre, what did you do that for?”

“I am Pierre the French fighter pilot and with white meat I like white wine.”

Pierre’s girlfriend then removes the rest of her dress and stands before him and gestures none too subtlely at her woman parts

“Kiss me lower Pierre!”

He responds by pulling a bottle of aged cognac from the basket, pouring it on her crotch and lighting it on fire. Horrified she puts the fire out and screams,

“Pierre, what did you do that for?!”

“I am Pierre the French fighter pilot and when I go down, I go down in flames!” [Paul]

26. Billy Bob saw his friend Bubba walking up the road, carrying a bag over his shoulder.

“Bubba, what you got in thet bag?”, he asked.

Bubba said, “I gots me some chickens in this here bag!”

Billy Bob said, “Bubba, if I guess how many chickens you got in thet there bag, can I have half of them?”

Bubba says, “Billy Bob, if you guess how many chickens I got in this here bag, you can have them both!”

Billy Bob thinks for a minute and says, “Seven!” [RobS]

27. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef… [Hannah]

28. A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, um did you realize you have a steering wheel stuck on the front of your pants?” The pirate says, “Aaargh, I know, it’s drivin’ me nuts!” [Hannah]

29. Two cowboys are riding through a canyon, when off in the distance they hear the sound of Indian drums. One cowboy says to the other, “I don’t like the sound of those drums!” And from across they canyon they hear a voice call out, “HE’S NOT OUR NORMAL DRUMMER!” [Hannah]

30. i read in the paper the other day that regularly drinking in excess of prescribed weekly alcohol consumption levels can seriously damage your health…

so thats it, starting this monday im giving up reading. [haha]

Jokes 31-40 Listverse Users

31. A man lived next door to a monk. He constantly heard a strange noise coming from the house. Well, at first he tried to just ignore it. But after a little while he just couldn’t take it so he went and knocked on the monk’s door. The monk opened the door and said, “Yes, can I help you?” The man asked, “I’d like to know what that noise coming from your house is.” The monk replied, “I’m sorry, I can’t tell you, you’re not a monk.” So the man asked, “How do I become a monk then?” The monk said, “Well, to start, you must go the next 5 years eating only potato chips.” So the man, determined to find out what that noise was, went home and spent the next 5 years eating only potato chips. Finally, he returned to the monk and said, “OK, it’s been 5 years and I’ve only eaten potato chips. Now can I know what that noise is?” The monk replied, “No, you’re still not a monk. Now you must go 7 years and drink nothing but water.” Well, the man wasn’t looking forward to waiting 7 more years. But as he had already come 5 years, and he was determined to find the source of that noise, he went home and drank nothing but water for 7 years. When finally he reached the end of those 7 long years, he once again returned to the monk and said, “It’s been 7 years and I’ve drank nothing but water, now can I find out what that noise is?” The monk said, “No, you’re still not a monk. Now we must test your faith. Go to the highest cliff in the area and jump off.” Well, the man had come this far and he wasn’t going to back down, so he went to the highest cliff and jumped. Luckily, there was a safety net at the bottom of the cliff, and when he climbed out the monk was waiting for him. The monk led him back to his house and said, “You have passed the tests, you are now a monk. I assume you now wish to know what causes the noise you have been hearing?” The man replied, “Oh God yes, I’ve waited over 12 years to find out.” So the monk gestured for him to follow and led him down the stairs into the basement. Once in the basement, the monk opened a door which led into a tunnel. The monk told the man to go to the end of the tunnel. So the man started walking, it went on for ages, but finally he reached the end. There was only one more door between him and the source of the noise, he could tell. Slowly he grabbed the doorknob, turned it, and opened the door. In the room he saw…I’m sorry I can’t tell you what he saw.

You’re not a monk. [Jack]

32. Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

“Dave, don’t worry bout it. You aren’t the first doctor to have sex with his patient, and you wont be the last…and your single to…let it go!”

but invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality.

“Dave, Dave, Dave…

…You’re a veterinarian… [Jack]

33. A bear and a rabbit are sitting side-by-side down at the river bank — taking a dump. The bear glances down at the rabbit: “Let me ask you something. Do you have trouble with poop sticking to your fur?”

The rabbit looks up and shrugs, “No, not really.”

“Great!!” So the bear grabs him and starts wiping his butt. [Late O'Day]

34. In the days just before the final judgement, Satan decides to be lienient on the next three Humans to fall. And chooses to test them for a return to Life.

The first guy: An alcoholic, who in his gluttonous state, drank himself to death. Was given the option to spend 100 years in a locked room with only the best Beverages ever known. He Gladly accepted and was locked away.

The second guy: An Adulterer, Died of a heartattack while cheating on his wife, took the option of 100 years in a room with the most beautiful women to have ever lived. He, as well, accepted the offer. In turn was lock away.

The Third: Your Hippy next door. The First ever known, Marijuana overdose, was given 100 years In the largest field of the Greatest strains of weed ever created. Like the others, he is happier than a pig in shit, and is locked away.

100 years later:

Guy 1: The Alchoholic, Is released and stumbles out of the room Fat, Bloated, disgusting, And with a 100 year hang over. “I swear, I’ll never Ever Drink again.” Pleased with the out come, Satan gives him another chance at living.

Guy 2: The Adulterer, upon the door opening, he comes out, reaking of perfume, with the best hair in the Underworld, And Queer as a three dollar bill. “I don’t think I’ll ever look at women the same way again.”

Amuzed Satan releases him the land of the living.

Guy 3: The Pothead… After opening the door Satan sees that hardly any of the crops have been touched and after wandering around for a few minutes he hears someone crying softly. He finds the Pothead in a shallow hole. “What’s wrong?” Satan asks. With a tear in his eye, The Pothead looks up and says “You got a lighter, Man?” [Crimanon]

35. Little Timmy was goinig on a fishing trip with his father one weekend. All packed up and ready they take off. About an hour after putting in and setting their lines, Little Timmys father takes out a beer, cracks it open and sets it down hoping that Timmy didn’t notice.

Timmy looks up at his father “Can I have a sip of you beer Dad?”

Timmys father replys “Can your Pecker touch your Asshole son?”

Timmy frowns and says No.

His father goes “Then you can’t have a sip of my beer”.

An hour or so later Timmy starts to get hungry and he just happened to sneak a candy bar into his pocket before they left. Timmy carefully opens it and takes a bite and tries to hid it. But Timmys Father noticed and is starting to get a bit hungry too.

“Hey, Timmy do you think I could get a bite of you candy bar?”

Timmy replies “Can your Pecker touch your Asshole?”

“Why Yes Timmy it can.” says the father.

And with out missing it, Timmy proudly states “Then Go Fuck Yourself!” [Crimanon]

36. A young boy named Timmy lives on a farm. One morning, he gets up and goes downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast. His mother stops him in the kitchen and asks if he had done his farmyard chores. “Not yet,” said Timmy. “Well no breakfast until your chores are done” said is mother.

Well, Timmy’s a little pissed because he’s hungry, but goes out and starts his chores. First thing, he goes to feed the chickens, but the chickens are squabbling over the food and flying everywhere, and one poops on his foot. Timmy swiftly proceeds to kick the offending chicken. His mother sees this from the kitchen, and runs out and sternly says to Timmy “I saw you kick the chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week”.

This gets Timmy more pissed off, but he holds his tongue. He then sets off to the feed the pigs, but the pigs are also unsettled and splash mud all over Timmy. Timmy promptly reacts by swearing and kicking the nearest pig in the snout. His mother sees this from the kitchen, and runs out and sternly says to Timmy “I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week.”

Timmy is getting madder, but he doesn’t say a word and silently storms off to the last of his chores, which is to milk the cows. Everything seems to go well until Timmy gets to the last cow, who is being uncooperative. Timmy hits the cow on the rump, and the cow reacts by kicking the pail of milk over. Timmy then kicks the cow in the udder in frustration. Unfortunately, his mother sees this from the kitchen as well, and runs out and sternly says to Timmy “I saw you kick the cow, so you don’t get any milk for a week”.

By now, Timmy is madder than hell. He’s had a terrible grumpy morning, and as he walks into the kitchen, he is upset that he only has toast and dry cereal without milk for breakfast for the rest of the week. Just as Timmy sits down and starts to eat, his father comes down the stairs and accidentally trips over the cat. His father is also in a bad mood now, and proceeds to kick the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”. [monkey_vet]

37. Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring…… [Andre du Plessis]

38. Question: Why did the condom fly across the room? Answer: It got pissed off. [Andre du Plessis]

39. The Mob was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’.

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job–if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $100,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mob soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends their toughest enforcer to “deal with da situation”.

Well, it doesn’t take long for the enforcer to find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with him, so the hood drags the guy to an interpreter.

The hood says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.” The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?” The deaf man signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The interpreter tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The hood pulls out a .38 S&W and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where da money is.”

The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?” The deaf man frantically signs back, “The $100,000 is in Central Park

, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate.” The interpreter says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and furthermore, he doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger.” [Doghouse Riley]

40. An American, an Englishman and a Scot are at a bar. Each of them orders a beer. As the bartender sets their drinks in front of them, three flies buzz in and each of them land in a beer.

The American pushes his drink toward the bartender and says, “There’s a fly in my drink. Pour me another.”

The Englishman picks the fly out, shrugs and takes a drink.

A sudden noise makes them glance over at the Scot, who is holding the fly over his drink and pinching it, saying “Spit it out, ye wee thievin’ bastard!” [slublog]

Jokes 41-50 Listverse Users

41. Q: Whats the difference between a job and a wife? A: After 10 years, the job still sucks!! [Adam]

42. Q. Why did the monkey get lost? A. Coz Jungle Iz Mazzive [JMurf]

43. Q: What do a priest and a Christmas tree both have in common? A: Both have balls that are just for decoration. [mistere]

44. A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. While he is sitting there drinking his beer, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the bar. Out of nowhere the guy hears a voice that says,”Hey, nice shirt.” The guy turns around to see where the voice came from, but there is noone there. The bartender is in the corner stacking glasses, the music is low, no sound is coming from the t.v. and he is the only patron, so the guy thinks he is just imagining things…..Continuing to eat more peanuts, the man hears the same voice-”Hey man, nice shoes.” Now the guy knows he heard something, but again there is no t.v. noises, music is low, and the bartender is still in the corner, so the guy calls the bartender over and asks,”Pardon me, but did you say something to me?” “No, I didn’t say anything to you,” he says, “What did you hear?” “Well,” the guy says,”someone said, ‘Nice shirt,’ and a few minutes later someone said, ‘nice shoes.’ I was wondering if you said it.” The bartender says,”Oh, I know what that was, its the peanuts, They’re complimentary.” [miccas75]

46. Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin looks at the other and says,”Man, it’s hot as hell in here isn’t it.” The other muffin looks at the first muffin and says,”OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN!” [miccas75]

47. Two cows are sitting in the field, when one says,”Hey man, I’ve been hearing alot of bad stuff lately, are you worried about this ‘Mad Cow Disease’?” The other cow, starts to spin around with his hooves extended out says,”Not me man…I’m a helicopter.” [miccas75]

48. QUESTION: What’s invisible and smells like burnt carrots? ANSWER: Bunny farts. [Late O'Day]

49. A 55 year old woman was having surgery and while on the operating table, she had a near death experience. When she was talking to God he told her that she need not worry, that she was going to live 35 more years, 11 months, and 16 days. Upon finding out that she would freely live out the remainder of her life, the woman decided to get lipo, a face lift, a boob job, and lots and lots of botox. 2 months after her surgeries the lady was walking across the street and got hit by a bus. When she got to heaven she asked God why he let her die when he had told her she wasn’t going to for 35 more years. God said, “GIRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLLLL I DIDN’T EVEN RECOGNIZE YOU!” [hgaratie]

50. Just before the funeral of Bill’s wife Martha the funeral directors are carrying her coffin from the house. On the way out they bump the coffin against a wall and a faint moan comes from inside. Astonishingly Martha is still alive and later goes on to live another 10 years. Martha passes away again and as she is being carried from her home in the coffin Bill shouts at the funeral directors “Watch the wall this time!” [Jamesy Cotter]

[Raistlin]

A jewish kid says to his Dad "Father, can I have fifty pence please?"

Dad replies: "Forty pence? what do you want Thirty pence for? heres Twenty!"

"Share it with your sister."

[Raistlin]

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.

This one was written in London.

[Raistlin]

Indian film producers have decided against making a Bollywood production of the Pakistan flood disaster after global condemnation that it would be in poor taste.

Just like every single Bollywood movie ever made.

[Raistlin]

This frog, whose last name was Jagger, walks into a bank hoping to take out a loan.

He walked up to the back teller and sees her name is 'Patricia Whack'.

Patricia asks what she can do for the frog and he explains that he wants a ten thousand pound loan.

She asked for something of value from him to ensure he would pay the loan back.

The frog pulls out the only think he has it is this small pink elephant figurine.

Confused Patricia goes and gets her manager and explains the situation.

The manager takes one look at the frog and his pink elephant and turns to Patricia and says 'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. He's the son of a Rolling Stone'.

[Raistlin]

BBC NEWS: Hunt for extinct frogs begins.

Now I'm no scientist but...

[Raistlin]

What do you get if you cross Bizarra with a steam roller ?

Thirty quid from me for starters... :D

[Raistlin]

I pulled this gorgeous bird at the weekend and we arranged to meet for a drink.

The only condition was that she could bring her mate who's a geeky Star Trek fan.

I told her it's best to leave it, I cant stand Klingon's....

[Raistlin]

I went to see that new Harry Potter film,

Its just not the same,

It's lost its sex appeal,

Now Hermione is all grown up...

[Raistlin]

I just watched my daughter's netball team play for a place in the under eleven's final.

What a semi...

[Raistlin]

Why are married men fatter than single men ?

Single men come home, look in the fridge and head to bed.

Married men come home, look in the bed and head to the fridge.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: British couple murdered in Pakistan, Gul Wazir & his wife where the victims of an honour killing.

This raises some serious questions, like how long have Cardasians been eligible for British citizenship ?

[Raistlin]

An English professor reckons that Beer contains female hormones,

I think he's right...

After eight pints I talk rubbish and can't drive...

[Raistlin]

Nothing says "I'm a virgin" like posting your own exhaust sounds montage on Youtube.