Raistlin's Joke Page

[Bizarra]

Nothing says "I'm a virgin" like posting your own exhaust sounds montage on Youtube.

Kynan ? :lol2:

[Raistlin]

Nothing says "I'm a virgin" like posting your own exhaust sounds montage on Youtube.

Kynan ?

That's harsh... Yes

[Raistlin]

BBC News: China hit by floods, hundreds dead

So far they have confirmed Sum Yung Chik and Sum Fat Guy are both dead.

A 4yr old girl, Wai Tu Yung is also dead.

Sum Fuk Wit is on the missing list list along with Kok Su Kah.

Hoo Tu Blame is still unknown...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: "Turkey groom kills wedding guests"

And that's what happens when you let people in Norfolk get married...

[Bizarra]

Finding his wife in bed with another man, the dismayed husband cried out, "Jan what are you doing?"

Turning to her lover, the wife frowned and said,

"Didn't I tell you he was stupid idiot?"

[Bizarra]

Man: Doctor my wife recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help her to get it back?

Doctor: Try to come home at 3 in the morning.

[Bizarra]

A NEW PROVERB

A Lion would never cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood."

[Bizarra]

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

[Bizarra]

Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

[Bizarra]

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

[Bizarra]

Puerto Rican joke-To Bury

Q: How many people does it take to bury a Puerto Rican?

A: Five. One to lower the Puerto Rican, and four to lower the radio.

[Bizarra]

I really shouldn't post this one but, unlike Raist I can take a joke which reflects back on me [Offence intended ]

A stranger walks into a pub and announces to the barman, "Hey, mate! Have I got some terrific Irish jokes for you blokes".

The barman leans over to him and says "Listen; if I were you, I'd watch your tongue: All of the bouncers are Irish; I'm Irish, and I ain't no midget; and almost every man in here is Irish".

"Oh, that's okay," said the stranger cheerfully, "I'll talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y".

[Bizarra]

When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.

[Bizarra]

Proof reading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!! ! They put in a correction the next day.

I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No crap, really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the Battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

[Bizarra]

Celebrity humor-Bedtime at the Jackson residence

Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at the Jackson residence?

A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

[Bizarra]

Practical jokes-Testimonials

US Air recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

[Bizarra]

Sarcastic jokes-Emergency landing

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready."All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

[Bizarra]

Poems written by husband to Wife

I wrote your name on sand it got washed.

I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. then

I wrote your name on my heart & i got Heart Attack.

******

God saw me hungry, he created pizza .

He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi .

He saw me in dark, he created light .

He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

******

Twinkle Twinkle little star

You should know what you are

And once you know what you are

Mental hospital is not so far.

******

The rain makes all things beautiful.

The grass and flowers too.

If rain makes all things beautiful

why doesn't it rain on you?

******

Roses are red, Violets are blue

monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.

Don't feel so angry you will find me there too

not in cage but laughing at you.

******

[Raistlin]

Msn News: 'Joint operation seizes Taliban area'

see, everything is better with a little weed.

[Raistlin]

I was going out with a girl from Somerset.

One day I asked to wear her sexy underwear and boots,

She called me from the bedroom,and stood there in a Black lacy bra with black lacy knickers......

and size 8 wellies......

[Raistlin]

A Scottish summer is alot like Jordan.

Always wet!

[Raistlin]

Dear Clinton Cards,

Please reduce the cost of your cards. If I wanted to spend that much on my wife I would actually buy her a present.

Many Thanks.

[Raistlin]

I was approached by a member of Greenpeace in the street the other day and he told me that if I don't donate £2 a month then people in Africa will die.

I cant believe Greenpeace employ such violent people.

[Raistlin]

Dear Sky,

Please may you move all babestation and similar channels to a different range of channels.

The 9 key on my sky remote control is fading, and my mum is growing suspicious.

Love Kynan

[Raistlin]

Two parrots are sitting on a perch and one says to the other "can you smell fish?"