Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Left-handed computer mice.

Making navigating porn a more pleasurable experience.

[Raistlin]

Two dogs are having a walk through the park. One turns to the other and says...

"Do you use a rubber when you make love?"

To which the other replies:

"Yeah d'you Rex?"

[Raistlin]

I've just been given 2 weeks to live.

The wife's going away for a fortnight...

[Raistlin]

I played a gig yesterday, it was amazing.

Everybody clapping and singing along.

Then, afterwards, I got off with two women who were completely off their heads on drugs.

The nursing home have asked me to play the organ again next Tuesday.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend is so bad in bed,

I close my eyes and pretend she's my hand...

[Raistlin]

I'm just watching Countdown and I'm in a real conundrum.

Do I masturbate over Rachel, or Suzie in dictionary corner...?

[Raistlin]

I asked my wise Chinese neighbour how to make an Egg Roll.He replied "Push it".

[Raistlin]

News : 'Mother Of Six Killed'

Considering her age, I'm assuming she was from Liverpool ?

[Raistlin]

My aunt always forgot my name when I was younger and called me by my brother's name.

At first it never really bothered me, but then it started getting on my nerves.

One day, I said to her, "You are such a thick bitch,How do you not remember my frigging name ?"

She got upset then phoned my parents and told them what happened.

My brother got in so much shit...

[Raistlin]

Most popular iPhone App of the month:

Public Telephone Box Locator.

[Raistlin]

I passed a grave in Ireland the other day.

The bloke was 150 when he died.

He was called Miles from Dublin.

[Raistlin]

All the curry houses in Birmingham are doing a special meal in aid of flood victims.

It's chicken bury auntie, nan dead and poppa gone...

[Raistlin]

Why did the sperm cross the road ?

Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.

[Bizarra]

Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said, "If you build it, they will come."

[Bizarra]

The night was almost gone,

As I opened my eyes with a yawn.

I was quite amazed

With her thighs on my face,

I was seeing the crack of Dawn.

[Bizarra]

Here are some signs that you won't find anywhere else in the world except in Africa.

In a restaurant in Zambia :"Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the grounds of a private school in South Africa :"No trespassing without permission."

On a window of a Nigerian shop: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come here?"

On a poster in Ghana : "Are you an adult who cannot read? If so, we can help."

In a hotel in Mozambique :"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9.00 am and 11.00 am daily."

On a river in the Democratic Republic of Congo: "Take note: When this sign is submerged, the river is impassable."

In a Zimbabwean restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

A sign seen on a hand dryer in a Lesotho public toilet:"Risk of electric shock-Do not activate with wet hands."

In a Botswana jewelery shop: "Ears pierced while you wait."

On one of the buildings of a Sierra Leonne hospital: "Mental Health Prevention Centre."

In a maternity ward of a clinic in Tanzania : "No children allowed!"

In a cemetery in Uganda :"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their graves."

In a Malawi hotel: "It is forbidden to steal towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing, please don't read this notice."

A sign posted in an Algerian tourist camping park: "It is strictly forbidden on our camping site that people of different sex, for instance a man and woman, live together in one tent unless they are married to each other for that purpose."

In a Namibian nightclub: "Ladies are not allowed to have children in the bar."

In a photo studio in Chitungwiza( Zimbabwe ): "Photos taken while you wait"

[Bizarra]

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugar Brown's daughter.'

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugar Brown.'

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugar Brown's daughter?'

She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

[Bizarra]

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal, got a huge chunk of money, hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist, moved to town, rented offices, set up their computers, got squared away, and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

“Sure,” said the druggist. “Every morning the six o’clock train comes through here and honks for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it’s too late to go back to sleep, and it’s too early to get up.”

[Bizarra]

There was a man who had three sons. He gave each of them a duck and told them to go out and sell their duck for as much as possible.

The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself beer.

The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.

The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road.

He went up to her and said I'll give you my duck if you have sex with me.

She considered it and said 'Ok'.

They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I'll give you your duck back if you'll do me again.

The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car.

The driver jumped out of the car and said 'I'm so sorry I killed your duck. I'll give you $40 dollars to make up for it.

When the third son finally returned home, his dad asked how much he had made.

He said 'I got a f*ck for a duck, a duck for a f*ck, and forty bucks for a f*cked up duck

[Bizarra]

You might be a farmer if.......

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.

3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.

4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.

6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.

7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.

8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves into steers, and peel apples.

[Bizarra]

-Hereditary disease

Did you know that studies have indicated that diarrhoea is actually a hereditary disease?

Yep… It runs in the jeans!

[Bizarra]

Riding Accident

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears to be in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace. Victoria admiringly watching her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop. Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David’s head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!

Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.

[Bizarra]

Christmas

Do you realise that if the pilgrims had first shot a wild cat instead of turkey, we’d all be eating pussy for Christmas

[Bizarra]

How to Truly Impress A Client

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favour."

"Yes?"

"I’m sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I’m waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, "Hi, Ray,’?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.

A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

"Hi, Ray," he said.

I replied, "Fuck off, Gates, I’m in a meeting."

[Raistlin]

I was walking through Debenhams and saw a sign next to the make-up girls saying:

"Facial for a fiver"...

I totally mis-understood the offer and now I am no longer welcome in the store...