Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A Short History of Medicine

I have an earache...

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

[Raistlin]

What are the three words you don't want to hear while making love?

"Honey, I'm home!"

[Raistlin]

*ring* *ring*

"Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the blonde woman repeated, "Hello?"

"I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whispered huskily, "...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you until morning."

"Geez," the blonde replied, "you can tell all that from two hello's?"

[Raistlin]

A wild life photographer goes on an expedition to South America to photograph the legendary and hitherto unseen foo bird.

On the way he attempts to hire porters from a tribe of Pygmys.

They warn him of the dreaded curse on all who look upon the bird and refuse to join.

Undaunted the intrepid photographer continues to the banks of the Amazon where he sets up a blind and waits.

After several days, lo and behold, a foo bird flies directly over the river.

In a rush of excitement, the photographer rushes out of the blind and snaps off a shot.

No sooner has he done this then a huge, evil smelling flock of foos congregate over his head and completely cover him in guano.

The slimy stuff starts to harden and restrict his breathing.

He frantically tries to get the stuff off but to no avail.

Finally in desperation, he throws himself into the river.

A large crocodile promptly eats him.

The moral?

It the foo sh*ts, wear it.

[Devil-ish]

groooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaan!!!!!!!

[Raistlin]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor

comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms

or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises

him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes

him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad

orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar

patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in

disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso

pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The

father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his

head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The

father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons

chant "take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches

down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs

pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father thanks God. The boy stands up

on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right....

right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into

him and kills him.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans

his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the

bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous?"

The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

[Raistlin]

Four blondes were in an open truck that had run into the lake.

The two in the front seat escaped unharmed, but the two in the back bed drowned -they couldn't get the tailgate open

[Raistlin]

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.

"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home, dyed her hair, came back again and told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time. A new haircut and new color, a new outfit, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.

"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde ?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

[Raistlin]

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.

The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that?

What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'

[Raistlin]

How can you tell if a FAX was sent by a blonde?

It has a stamp on it.

[Raistlin]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

it doen't matter, it's not going to come anyway or you could call it cigerette and take it for a drag..

[Raistlin]

A guy was sitting at the Super Bowl in the very best seat available.

The guy on his left noticed there was an empty seat next to him and

said, "Can you believe someone actually paid for that seat and didn't

come to the game?"

The fellow next to him replied, "Actually that's my wife's seat...we

bought these tickets months ago. Unfortunately, my wife passed away so

I came alone."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but why didn't you give the ticket to a

family member or friend?"

"Oh, they're all at the funeral."

[Raistlin]

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boys position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

[Raistlin]

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the

zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,

sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass

in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.

He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet),

grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously

excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing

the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play

along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises

that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one

of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear

the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"

... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the

door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell

HIM you have a headache."

[Raistlin]

Why do they bury lawers 26 feet underground?

Because deep down, they are really nice guys.

[Raistlin]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and then horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is battered against the ground again and again. She is mere moments away from unconsciousness when........

........the Woolworths manager runs out to shut off the power to the horse.

[Raistlin]

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Four.

Actually, only one to screw it in.

The other 3 are there to listen to him brag about the screwing part!

[Raistlin]

This aussie caught this Kiwi having a bit of fun with a sheep.....

"Mate", the aussie said, "Over there we shear them".

The kiwi replied, "Mate, I'm not shearing this with innyone"

[Raistlin]

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.

She walked around to look at the artwork.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

[Raistlin]

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

[Raistlin]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.

Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.

I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Hey honey, wanna fool around?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

[Raistlin]

A little girl is in line to see Santa.

When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.

Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she only fakes it with Ken."

[Raistlin]

How do you know you're leading a sad life?

When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

[Raistlin]

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

[Raistlin]

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

'How many children?' asks the council worker.

'10' replies the Essex girl.

'10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?'

'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.'

'Doesn't that get confusing?'

'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...'

'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed council worker.

'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames.'

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.

'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.' she says.

'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear.

'No' she replies. 'This time it's mayonnaise.'

Essex Girl enters a s*x shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.'

She says 'I'll take the red one.'

The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?'

Girl: 'OK'

Medic: 'What's your name?'

Girl: 'Sharon.'

Medic: 'OK Sharon, is this your car?'

Sharon: 'Yes.'

Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?'

Sharon: 'Romford, mate.'

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, 'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!'

'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl, 'There's hundreds of them!'

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground.

Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.'

Sharon: 'Ok.'

Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?'

Sharon: 'Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!'

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, 'Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?'

The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, 'Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot'

'Cor blimey', exclaims the Essex girl, 'So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!'