Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

[Raistlin]

A man went to the doctor to get a physical, after the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news... he had cancer and alzheimers.

The man replied, " Well, at least I don't have cancer"

[Raistlin]

If at first you dont succeed...

buy her another drink

[Raistlin]

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. But I have no idea how they get in there.

[Raistlin]

Doctor: We operated on your eyes and we've managed to save one of them.

Patient: Oh, thank you very much.

Doctor: Yes, we'll give it to you on your way out.

[Raistlin]

Why do blondes like blonde jokes ?

It makes them feel popular.

[Raistlin]

A widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing for

her would be to have a companion. So, off she went to the pet shop.

She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she figured she'd

just walk around until she found just the 'right one.' She went past

the adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, past the

preening birds, past the sleeping hamsters, past the whirling gerbils,

and past the colorful fish.

Nothing really appealed to her and seemed to be just what she was

looking for. She decided to go around the store again.

On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel. At the bottom

of the barrel was a rather nasty looking toad. When she looked in, he

WINKED at her! Our poor widow just shook herself! She couldn't

believe it. She rather quickly went back to the other pets on

display.

Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darling

kittens, the fluttering birds, the fuzzy hamsters, the sleek gerbils,

and the darting fish. Nothing really, really did it for her. She was

starting to get discouraged. So, she figured one last time around,

just in case she missed something.

Going by the barrel again, she took another peek. There was that

nasty toad, and this time, he puckered up & threw her a kiss!!

This was almost too much for the poor widow and she just about

ran over to the other pets.

She tried hard to find just the right one to take home with her, but

not one of those cute puppies or silky kittens or chirping birds or

golden hamsters or skinny gerbils or fancy fish seemed right for her.

Totally discouraged by now, the widow decide to go home.

On the way out of the shop, she had to walk past the barrel again. As

she furtively peeked in, the toad just gave her the most beseeching

look, and he had a little tear on the corner of his eye. He even

sniffed a bit. This was too much for our widow, she started heading

for the exit in a hurry.

All of a sudden it struck her that this poor toad was probably just as

lonely as she was. Not only that, but he was so ugly that no one

would probably buy him, especially not with all the other nice pets

available.

So up to the counter she marched, told the salesperson she'd take the

toad, but requested that he be put in a sturdy box. When she got to

her car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and proceeded to

drive home.

As she was driving along, she heard some scratching coming from the

box. She tried to ignore it for a bit, but then thought that the toad

might need some air, so she opened the box a bit. (What could it

hurt?)

She would glance over at the toad from time to time, and he kept

winking at her and throwing her kisses. She finally thought,

"oh heck, what could it hurt?" and she leaned over and KISSED him!

And POOF ! He turned into a HANDSOME PRINCE !

And do you know what our poor widow turned into ?

The first Hotel she came to !

[Raistlin]

The doctor took Bill into the room and said, "Bill, I have some good news and some bad news."

Bill said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

[Raistlin]

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

The real question is: How much can the light bulb afford to be screwed for?

[Raistlin]

John pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"

"That sounds wonderful," said Brian.

"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaaaa."

[Raistlin]

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.

One kiss from you and will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

[Raistlin]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE - What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park..

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress £2000. Morning-suit rental-£100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time..

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife..

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache..

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.

None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale .

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.

She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing .

[Raistlin]

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said - Well, you succeeded.

[Raistlin]

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc.

After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle. "It was great!" exclaimed the nephew.

"Got any more dogs?"

[Raistlin]

A man and a woman are on an elevator at the top of the world's tallest building, when all of a sudden, the cable snaps and the elevator starts plummeting to the ground.

The emergency brakes don't work, the emergency phone doesn't work, and they both begin to panic.

The woman screams "We're going to die!", rips of all her clothes, throws herself on the floor and says to the man "make me feel like a woman again!"

So, he pulls off his jacket, throws it on the floor, and says "pick that up, bitch."

[Raistlin]

An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing hand, and one missing eye goes into a bar.

The sailor sitting next to him says, "You're really in bad shape. What happened to your leg?"

"I fell overboard," says the Captain, "and before my mates could pull me aboard, a shark bit it off."

"Terrible," says the sailor. "And what happened to your hand?"

"We attacked a man-o'-war," says the Captain, "and one of the attackees chopped it off with a saber." "Awful," says the sailor.

"And how did you lose your eye?" "Seagull droppings," says the Captain.

"Amazing," says the sailor. "I didn't know seagull droppings could put your eye out."

"Can't," says the Captain. "But it was my first day with the hook."

[Raistlin]

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.

When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of Pooh ?

The bucket.

[Raistlin]

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.

The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.

"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

[Raistlin]

What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it sleeps ?

Diarrhea

[Raistlin]

How do you make a hot dog stand ?

Steal its chair.

[Raistlin]

Top 10 Country Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Butt Out All Day Long.

[Raistlin]

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit ?

Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit ?

Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?

They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water ?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall ?

Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long ?

Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work ?

A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours ?

Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers ?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand ?

Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow ?

Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire ?

Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup ?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs ?

Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils ?

Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive ?

Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic ?

Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down ?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver ?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same ?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

[Raistlin]

1. Two blonde's walk in to a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2 . Phone answering machine message '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3 . A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5 . I went to the butchers the other day and

I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the

meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank,proving once

and for all that you can't have your kayak and

heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the

floor of his van covered with hundreds and

thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11 .Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry

growing out of his head.

Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12 .'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green

Grass of Home'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross eyed?'

'No, because he's really heavy'

14.Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'

'How's that?'

'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff

...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17.So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'sure,you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho Cha Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub,one says to the

other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'

20.Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking Battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22.A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night