Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:

Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.

Father: When was the last time you made a confession?

Man: I never have, I am Jewish.

Father: Then why are telling me all this?

Man: I am telling everybody ...

[Raistlin]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says... "HEBREWS."

[Raistlin]

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moooo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."

[Raistlin]

A little boy went up to his father and asked:

"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

[Raistlin]

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

"What would you like to do next?" he asked.

"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Wousy," said the girl.

[Raistlin]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die".

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.

3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.

4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.

[Raistlin]

MENOPAUSE JEWELLERY

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

[Raistlin]

During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer, "I'm paying a fortune for that parrot.

I hope he talks as well as you say he does."

"I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer.

"Who do you think was bidding against you?"

[Raistlin]

Why is it so hard for women to find kind, sweet, sensitive men in this world ?

Because they already have boyfriends !

[Raistlin]

Good News, Bad News, Worse News

Good:

Your husband understands fashion

Bad:

He's a cross dresser

Worse:

He looks better than you

[Raistlin]

Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry ?

A: Make her stand in a barrel.

If her chin is over the top, she's old enough.

If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between a dog and a fox ?

Eight beers.

[Raistlin]

Q: Why do Southern guys go to family reunions ?

A: To meet chicks.

[Raistlin]

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

[Raistlin]

Why did God create man first ?

So he wouldn't have to be told how to do it.

[Raistlin]

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery.

The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered houbikly.

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[Raistlin]

On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on.

The waist alone was twice her body. She said, "I can't wear your pants."

"That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family."

The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on.

"No way. I can't get into your panties." he said. "That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your attitude."

[Raistlin]

God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he's all alone in the Garden of Eden.

So God says, "Okay, I'll make you a companion, a beautiful creature who'll cook and clean for you.

It will be able to converse intelligently on any subject, and never ever complain or argue."

Adam says, "That sounds great."

God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam says, "Damn, that's expensive. What can I get for a rib?"

[Raistlin]

A blonde calls the fire department cause her house was on fire.

They ask her how to get there and she says "Duh, the big red truck !"

[Raistlin]

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies ?

Seven...one to mix the batter and six to peel the M&Ms.

[Raistlin]

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,

I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know

how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some

fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you

are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,

I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots

whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in

the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots

to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying

that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman

responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's

house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were

inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out

in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some

fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked

over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,

Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

[Raistlin]

A sleeping couple are lying in bed.

When the door bell rings.

Woman: "Quick! My husband is back"

The man jumps out from a window.

Flying down he starts to think: "Hold On I am the husband"

[Raistlin]

What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?

He gets taller

[Raistlin]

A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink.

The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guinness."

The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table."

The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof's we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid."

"That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you actually been there?"

"No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."

[Raistlin]

3 friends die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING"