Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walked in; She turned and said,

'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

His eyes lit up and he thought,

'This is my lucky day'

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her

And then gave it his all;

Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said,

'Thanks,'

And returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked,

'What was that all about?'

She explained,

'The egg timer's broken.'

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a shoe store...

...and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.

"Try pulling the tongue out." offers the clerk.

Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says

.

[Raistlin]

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

[Raistlin]

If god had wanted us to run around naked, we would have been born that way.

[Raistlin]

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

The structure of the wall was incorrect

So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.

Oh spit, it's Global Warming.

Mary had a little lamb

her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her

between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pie man

"What have u got there?"

Said the pie man unto Simon

Pies you Moron.

Mary had a little lamb

it ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its butt

and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie

kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play

he kissed them too cause he was gay.

jack and Jill

Went up the hill

And planned to do some kissing.

jack made a pass

and grabbed her rrr's

Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb

Its fleece was white and wispy.

Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease

And now it's black and crispy.

[Raistlin]

A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding

where to go for a drink.

The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third round, the

bartender will give each of us a free Guiness."

The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every

third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table."

The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof's we drink for

free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid."

"That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you

actually been there?"

"No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."

[Raistlin]

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends

£15,000 and feels really great about the result.

On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to

the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order

taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same

question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is

going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a

mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes

I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let

her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady

says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."

[Raistlin]

Two drunks walk into a bar. The first drunk looks at his

buddy and says "I gotta go use the loo." So he wonders off

to the bathroom and is gone for 5 ... 10... 20 minutes. Well

his friend gets p*ssed off and goes in to get him. He finds

him in there and asks "What the hell are you doing?" The

first drunk repies "Everytime I flush, something reaches up

and grabs my balls." The second drunk looks at him and says

"Well ya dumbass, you sittin on the mop bucket"

[Raistlin]

The Tube train was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand.

One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the Police"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really" she spat."then you must have a great job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."

[Raistlin]

Why don't cannibals eat comedians?

They taste funny.

[Raistlin]

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not

gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only

yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging

her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for

you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one

another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him

for a weekend in Paris, and we know what that meant.

One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night

there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude

except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to

explore, but down there I am still in mourning," He knows he's

not getting lucky that night. The following night the same

scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he

in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he

has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black

condom?"

He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."

[Raistlin]

A guest from some foreign country was bragging that in HIS

country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.

Ray listened patiently. "That's amazing. Where I come from

there's really only one."

"Oh," sniffed the Romeo, "just one? And which way is that?"

"Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . . "

"Praise Allah!!! Number 80!!!"

[Raistlin]

My mother is a typical Jewish mother.

Once she was on jury duty. . .

They sent her home.

She insisted SHE was guilty.

[Raistlin]

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.

"You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie, still crying, said "What would God want with a dead dog?"

[Raistlin]

Top Tips

Some of these are old but still very useful!!!

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

2. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Weight watchers, avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying it in the first place you lardy bums.

4. Housewives when nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

5. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle

6. Increase Blind peoples electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn’t looking.

7. Don’t buy expensive “ribbed” condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it, before you put it on.

8. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

9. Don’t waste money on expensive binoculars simply stand nearer to the object you are trying to view.

10. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

11. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

12. Thicken up runny low fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard

13. Hijackers, avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

14. Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

15. Olympic athletes, disguise the fact that you’ve taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower

16. Chelsea fans, save money on expensive new team strips, simply strap a fake willy to your forehead and it will become immediately clear to all, as to which team you support.

17. Avoid arguments with the wife about lifting the loo seat by always using the sink.

18. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they are always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing, they will not know the difference.

19. Invited by Vegetarians to dinner? Point out that since you’d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours and ask for a nice juicy rare steak.

[Raistlin]

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty

22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear,

takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.

A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No

one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can

rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend

over, and I'll do you in the butt."

The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his

trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.

After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and

staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.

He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same

bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A

moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,

"You know what to do."

Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town,

and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest,

sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks

him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over

him and says,

"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"

[Raistlin]

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them,

Would you read the paper or go to lunch?

[Raistlin]

NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands?

SAGE: Clever men don't BECOME husbands

[Raistlin]

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the venom down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his P*nis

[Raistlin]

Interesting things when you have sons, like ....

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with HTH explodes !

9.) A 6-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy.

11.) 'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super Glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jelly.

15.) VCR's do not eject Peanut Butter & Jam sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Surrey has a 3-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24..) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the HTH and brake fluid.

[Raistlin]

When the milkman found a note on one of his customer's doors asking for 16 gallons instead of the usual quart, he rang the bell.

"Sorry to bother you, ma'am," he said, "but are you sure you want sixteen gallons of milk today?"

"Oh, yes," said the lady of the house. "I'm going to take a milk bath."

"Do you want it pasteurized?"

"No, just up to my boobs would be fine."

[Raistlin]

Why does a blonde have curtains on her PC?

To open windows

[Raistlin]

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery.

You are welcome here as long as you like,

but you may not speak until directed to do so. "

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years

before the Priest said to her,

"Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said,

"Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said,

"We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.

"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine,

and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery,

the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.

"You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest,

"You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

[Raistlin]

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was

asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of

you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You

undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor,

I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

[Raistlin]

If we are what we eat then:

I'm fast, cheap and easy