Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

On a very cold winter night, three homeless men huddled up close to keep warm.

In the morning, the guy on the right says, "I had a dream that someone was pulling on my bits."

The guy on the left says, "I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my bits."

"The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream that I went skiing."

[Raistlin]

It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's bum popping out.

The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's bum"

The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's bum."

Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."

[Calisto]

Love the last one!!!

[martin_longbow]

yea, very good

[Raistlin]

After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was

looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk

in the distance.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is that your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, she answered, "That's me before the surgery."

[Raistlin]

We've been married a little over four years, and we just celebrated our "Wooden Anniversary."

So to celebrate, I asked my wife to bl*w me, and she wouldn't.

[Raistlin]

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells:

"Super Pussy!"

The old man says: "I'll have the soup."

[Raistlin]

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.

After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your bits ?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

[Raistlin]

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.

They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation.

He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen.

There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. "Are you hurt?" she asks.

She replies, "Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"

[Raistlin]

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.

"Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?"

The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"

The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "Not even that's not worth so much celebrating!"

[Raistlin]

"We'd like a room, please," the bloke said, nodding toward his misses. "We were married this morning."

"Congratulations," the desk clerk said, "how about the bridal?"

"No thanks, just a room. I'll hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."

[Raistlin]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.

The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found.

So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole.

The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!"

So he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up", and the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick.

[Raistlin]

All of a sudden, the wife smacks her husband.

The husband was totally dumbfounded and asks, "What was that for?"

The wife said, "Because, you are rubbish in bed".

A few minutes later, the husband smacks his wife.

This time, the wife was confused and asked, "And may I ask what's that about?"

Husband said, " Simple, because you know the difference.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a rotwieler and a poodle?

If a rotwieler starts humping your leg you let it finish.

[Calisto]

Love all of them.........going to be giggling allllll day now!!!!

[Raistlin]

There was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa.

It suddenly had a malfunction and went down.

A few weeks later, PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane.

They found the wreckage but were unable to locate the crew. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief says, "Yeah". When asked where the crew was the Chief replied, "We ate the crew and drank the Pepsi."

The Rescue crew was shocked.

One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs and we drank the Pepsi."

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi".

After looking totally perplexed for a minute a third added, "Did you...you know...eat their....things"??

The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuers. "NO", replied the Chief, " THINGS go better with COKE!!!"

[dave.m]

"We'd like a room, please," the bloke said, nodding toward his misses. "We were married this morning."

"Congratulations," the desk clerk said, "how about the bridal?"

"No thanks, just a room. I'll hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."

:lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

[Raistlin]

The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Gloria

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Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours, Gloria

[Raistlin]

Three Things Women Can Do That Men Can't:

1. Bleed for a week and not die.

2. Give milk without eating grass

3. Bury an eight inch bone faster than any dog!

[Raistlin]

A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night.

He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self concious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance.

"Would you like to dance with me?"he asked.

She replied "Would I!",

So he sneered and told her,"BIG NOSE!"

[Raistlin]

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked..."And where were you when I met TVOR ?"

[chatman]

:lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

[Raistlin]

After years of psychotherapy, John no longer believes he is a grain of wheat.

However, one day he and a friend came across a chicken, and John was terrified.

"Why are you so afraid, you're not a grain of wheat after all," his friend asked.

John replied, "You know it and I know it, but the chicken doesn't know it."

[Raistlin]

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,"

The husband explained.

"She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts."

He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

[Raistlin]

A Short History of Medicine

I have an earache...

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2007 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.