Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess;

the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[Raistlin]

A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On their

wedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new

groom, "Please be gentle... I am still a virgin." The startled groom says "How can

that be? You've been married twice..."

The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband, he was a

psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about sex. Catching her breath,

she says "My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do

was............. Oh God, I miss him!"

[Raistlin]

I just got divorced, my ex-wife and I split the house.

I got the outside.

[Raistlin]

This bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and cat. They all sit down

at a table and the man goes to the bar and says, "A pint of Bitter for

myself, a Gin &Tonic for the ostrich and a Scotch for the cat".

The Barman is a little perplexed but serves the drinks anyway.

Sometime later the ostrich goes to the bar and says, "A G&T for

myself, a pint of bitter for the guv'nor and a whisky for the cat."

The barman is even more bemused but still serves the drinks.

This goes on all evening with the man and the ostrich alternately

buying rounds of drinks, but the cat never does. By the end of the

evening the barman asks the man, "Look, whats the story? I have to

know, why do you have an ostrich and a cat? And how come the cat never

buys a round?"

"Well it's quite a story," says the man. "I was walking down the road

one day when I found a bottle. I uncorked this bottle and Genie came

out and said, `Oh thank you for releasing me, oh Master, what is your

heart's desire? Tell me and it shall be yours.'

"So I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

[Raistlin]

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part

of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's

normal size, and state the conditions."

Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an

inappropriate question and my parents are going to

hear of it when I get home!"

She sat down, red-faced.

"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin.

"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.

"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not

studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you

going to be disappointed someday!"

[Raistlin]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

[Raistlin]

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they

came to some tracks.

The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks."

The other said, "No, they look like moose tracks."

They argued and argued and were still arguing when

the train hit them.

[Raistlin]

Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.

Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell

you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No

one will answer.

[Raistlin]

A blonde at a party was telling her friend that

she was off men for life.

"They lie, they cheat and they're just no good. From now on when I want

sex, I'm going to use my vibrator"

"So, what when the batteries run out?" asked her friend

"I'll just fake an orgasm like always."

[Raistlin]

A widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing for

her would be to have a companion. So, off she went to the pet shop.

She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she figured she'd

just walk around until she found just the 'right one.' She went past

the adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, past the

preening birds, past the sleeping hamsters, past the whirling gerbils,

and past the colorful fish.

Nothing really appealed to her and seemed to be just what she was

looking for. She decided to go around the store again.

On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel. At the bottom

of the barrel was a rather nasty looking toad. When she looked in, he

WINKED at her! Our poor widow just shook herself! She couldn't

believe it. She rather quickly went back to the other pets on

display.

Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darling

kittens, the fluttering birds, the fuzzy hamsters, the sleek gerbils,

and the darting fish. Nothing really, really did it for her. She was

starting to get discouraged. So, she figured one last time around,

just in case she missed something.

Going by the barrel again, she took another peek. There was that

nasty toad, and this time, he puckered up & threw her a kiss!!

This was almost too much for the poor widow and she just about

ran over to the other pets.

She tried hard to find just the right one to take home with her, but

not one of those cute puppies or silky kittens or chirping birds or

golden hamsters or skinny gerbils or fancy fish seemed right for her.

Totally discouraged by now, the widow decide to go home.

On the way out of the shop, she had to walk past the barrel again. As

she furtively peeked in, the toad just gave her the most beseeching

look, and he had a little tear on the corner of his eye. He even

sniffed a bit. This was too much for our widow, she started heading

for the exit in a hurry.

All of a sudden it struck her that this poor toad was probably just as

lonely as she was. Not only that, but he was so ugly that no one

would probably buy him, especially not with all the other nice pets

available.

So up to the counter she marched, told the salesperson she'd take the

toad, but requested that he be put in a sturdy box. When she got to

her car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and proceeded to

drive home.

As she was driving along, she heard some scratching coming from the

box. She tried to ignore it for a bit, but then thought that the toad

might need some air, so she opened the box a bit. (What could it

hurt?)

She would glance over at the toad from time to time, and he kept

winking at her and throwing her kisses. She finally thought,

"oh heck, what could it hurt?" and she leaned over and KISSED him!

And POOF! He turned into a HANDSOME PRINCE!!!

And do you know what our poor widow turned into?

The first motel she came to!

[Raistlin]

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two.

One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.

[Raistlin]

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.

He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

[Raistlin]

Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes

home from work and leans against the freshly painted wall.

The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see where

my husband put his hand last night?"

He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead

of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"

[Raistlin]

Q: Why did the Navy switch to liquid soap?

A: It's harder to pick up.

[Raistlin]

An elderly couple in a senior's home used to visit the recreation room everyday.

While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys's bits.

One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another women holding his bits.

"What's she got that I don't have" she says.

He looks up with a large smile on his face and replies "Parkinson's"

[Calisto]

LOL get a grip!

[Raistlin]

LOL get a grip!

I've got to hand it to you.........

[Raistlin]

At the 2007 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England

stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more

assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and

told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would

have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the

second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had

cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years'

conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do

his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first

day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the

third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my

washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years'

conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do

his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first

day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the

third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

[Raistlin]

The Hat An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat.

Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule.

When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments."

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today.

I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."

Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?"

Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!"

[Raistlin]

Why did Cleopatra take milk baths?

She couldn't find a cow tall enough for a shower.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a computer and a blonde?

The computer is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

[Raistlin]

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked. "I'm sure, I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.

"I reckon not" I replied ...

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

[Raistlin]

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are making a movie about the lives of the great composers.

Stallone says "I want to be Mozart."

Schwarzenegger says: "In that case... I'll be Bach."

[Raistlin]

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

[Raistlin]

The usual scene. A Doctor says to a patient, "Well, I've got good news and bad news."

The patient asks for the bad news and the doctor tells him that he has just three weeks to live.

"Three weeks! That's terrible. I'll be dead in three weeks!

What's the good news."

Doctor says, "See my huge breasted receptionist? Well, I'm bonking her!"