Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's beside.

It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, as her voice was little more than a houbik whisper. "Bill darling," she breathed.

"I've got a confession to make before I go... I ... I'm the one who took the £10,000 from your safe in the house ...

I spent it on a fling with your best friend Jimmy, and it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace.

I'm afraid I also was the one who reported you to the Tax office for income tax evasion..."

"That's all right dearest; don't even give it a second thought." said Bill. "I have a small confession too.

I'm the one who poisoned you."

[Raistlin]

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"

[Raistlin]

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."

"Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."

"But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."

"What is it son."

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

[Calisto]

LOL just read a few of these joke pages .....really cheered me up.

Thanks. :D

[Raistlin]

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."

[Raistlin]

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.

How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old woman standing beside her. "Grandma will pay the bill," she smiled.

[Raistlin]

Adjusting to marriage sometimes poses some unexpected problems.

But when I came upon a friend of mine in a bar the night after his wedding, I had ask exactly what he was doing there instead of with his new bride.

"Well, you see, this morning when I got up," he said, "I was barely awake from a wonderful night of love-making.

More out of habit than anything else, I put a fifty pound note on the dresser."

I told him not to worry about it, that his new wife probably wouldn't even think anything of it; that he could always say he left her some spending money.

"No no !" he half wailed/half said, "You don't understand. She was half asleep too and gave me £30.00 change."

[Raistlin]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist.

He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I donot have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.'

It worked! The headaches are all gone.'

The husband replies, 'Well, that's wonderful.'

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years.

Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'Wow! That was wonderful!' The husband says, 'Don't move! I'll be right back.'

He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, he goes back into the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, 'She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife.'

His funeral service will be held on Monday

[Raistlin]

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one

question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the

iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the

Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that

this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people

died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered,

"about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[Raistlin]

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin.

As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee.

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?

Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

[Raistlin]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.

When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

[Raistlin]

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimer's disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" the guy says. "You can't tell the difference?"

"Not really, the two look a lot alike in the early stages...

Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't make love to her."

[Calisto]

Oh they are soooo bad. :P

[Raistlin]

A lady went running to a doctor with an upset stomach.

"What did you eat for dinner last night?" asked the doctor.

"Oysters," she said.

"Fresh oysters?" asked the doctor.

"How should I know?" said the lady

"Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the shells?"

"My Gosh," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"

[Raistlin]

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

- No one knows. Its never happened.

[Raistlin]

What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant ?

The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...

[Raistlin]

If God had wanted us to run around naked, we would have been born that way.

[Raistlin]

ELEMENT: WOMAN

SYMBOL: WO

DISCOVERER: ADAM

ATOMIC MASS:

Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.

OCCURRENCE:

Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.

2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.

3. Melts if given special treatment.

4. Bitter if incorrectly used.

5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.

6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical Properties:

1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.

4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.

5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses:

1. Highly ornamental.

2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.

3. Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.

2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Hazards:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.

2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be

maintained at different locations as long as specimens don't come

into contact with each other.

[Raistlin]

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired.

Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?"

Watson yawns and tries to play the game. "Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."

"No, my friend. It's much simpler than that. Someone has stolen our tent."

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between a wicker basket and a wicker box?

A wicker basket is what little red riding hood took to grandma's house.

A wicker box is what Elmer Fudd did to little red riding hood.

[Calisto]

What is the difference between a wicker basket and a wicker box?

A wicker basket is what little red riding hood took to grandma's house.

A wicker box is what Elmer Fudd did to little red riding hood.

I don't get it lol

Ohhhh just had it explained to me...doh!

[Raistlin]

[Ohhhh just had it explained to me...doh!

Keep taking the Pills

[Raistlin]

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the morning.

He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

[Raistlin]

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home early."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but.." Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy!"

"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go also."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

[Raistlin]

This woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some ubiknic.

He asks "What for?"

She says "I want to kill my husband".

He says "Sorry, I can't do that."

She then reaches inter her handbag a pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."