Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night.

At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis.

Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet.

It works wonderfully well.

The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."

[Raistlin]

AMNESIA:

A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.

[Raistlin]

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"

His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk."

"No, at the other end."

"That, son is the tail."

"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant."

A short embarrassed silence after which she replies, "That's nothing."

The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question.

"Daddy, what is that long thing?"

"That's the trunk, son," replies the father.

"No at the other end."

"Oh, that is the tail."

"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.

"That is the elephants wang. Why do you ask son?"

"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.

Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."

[Raistlin]

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little

boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms

really *really* hard."

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like

mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground six floors below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and

said, "What the hell happened?!?"

Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe

everything someone tells him."

[Raistlin]

"Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

[Raistlin]

Why is a man at his smartest when he is having sex ?

Because he's plugged into a woman !

[Raistlin]

Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother ?

Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken ?

Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

[Raistlin]

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young

newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.

You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor

goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex

for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor

goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain

from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I

had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.

"Congratulations!

Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the

newlywed couple and asks, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex for

two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"

the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.

When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took

advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our

church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore,

either."

[Raistlin]

An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed.

When he replied, the desk clerk asked

"Can I help you sir ?"

Our man said "Yes, I would like to change my name."

"What is your current name?" asked the clerk.

"Martin Ashhole," replied the man.

The clerk laughed, and said "I can see why you want a change.

What would you like your new name to be?"

"Tim."

[Raistlin]

What's an Australian kiss ?

The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.........

[Raistlin]

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.

Just cooperate with anything he wants.

If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.

Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking bum"

[Raistlin]

Q: What's the difference between men and pigs?

A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

[Raistlin]

How do you scare a man?

Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

[Raistlin]

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

You're gonna LOVE me for this....

The third piggy says -

'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

[Raistlin]

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...

I never looked at it this way before:

MEN tal illness

MEN strual cramps

MEN tal breakdown

MEN opause

GUY necologist

AND ..

When we have REAL trouble, it's a

HIS terectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN ?

Send this to all the women you know to brighten

[Raistlin]

It has been determined, the most used

sexual position for married couples is

a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

[Raistlin]

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

[Raistlin]

These two guys go to a house of ill repute.

The first guy goes in then comes out and says, "My wife is better."

The second guy goes in then comes out and says, "You know what? Your wife IS better."

[Raistlin]

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your wang from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

[Raistlin]

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said:

"Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment.

But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a computer and a blonde?

The computer is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

[Raistlin]

The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey--Nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young women rides up on this bike.

She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'you can have ANYTHING you want!'"

"Good choice," says the first guy, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway.

[Raistlin]

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the motorway.

He asks the man to blow a breath into a breathalyser.

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

"Alright, we could get a blood sample."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

[Raistlin]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so

proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in

spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go

home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He

shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

[Raistlin]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and

said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will

surely die".

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send

him off to work in a good mood.

2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and

put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back

to work.

3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't

burden him with household chores.

4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy

his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor

had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.