Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.

The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.

"But. what happened to your other ear?"

"He called back."

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

[Raistlin]

A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

[Raistlin]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the bartender.

"If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?" "We'll See," says the bartender.

So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play.

"Impressive," says the bartender, "but I'll need to see more."

"Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A customer jumps up from his table and shouts "That's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you £1000.00 right now for the frog."

"Sold," says the guy.

The customer takes the bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune."

"Not really," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

[Raistlin]

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?

Hey! There's some things even a blonde won't do.

[Raistlin]

New scientific theories

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down.

Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat.

When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity.

A "buttered-cat array" could replace pneumatic tyres on cars and vans, and "giant buttered-cat arrays" could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking London to Paris.

[Raistlin]

A wealthy man sat in his attorney's office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" the man asked incredulously.

"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"It's of you and your mistress."

[Raistlin]

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?" and THAT'S when the fight started . .

[Raistlin]

Driving to the office this morning on the M4 motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!

It scared me (and this coming from a bloke....) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

Bl**dy Women Drivers !

[Raistlin]

A blonde woman competed with a brunette and redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.

The brunette came in first, the redhead second.

The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.

After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked:

"I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

[Raistlin]

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.

One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight a World War Three?"

"Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general.

"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China."

The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion.

How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key.

For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews"?

[Raistlin]

What goes: Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, bang bang, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop?

An 'Amish' drive-by shooting

[Raistlin]

Grown Women

Girls want to control the man in their life.

Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.

Girls check you for not calling them.

Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.

Girls are afraid to be alone.

Grown women revel in it-using it as a time for personal growth.

Girls ignore the good guys.

Grown women ignore the bad guys.

Girls make you come home.

Grown women make you want to come home.

Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.

Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits.

Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough

for their man.

Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.

Girls try to monopolize all their man's time (I.e., don't want him hanging with his friends).

Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special-and goes to kick it with her own friends.

Girls think a guy crying is weak.

Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.

Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.

Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his 'manhood'.

Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.

Grown women know that was just one man.

Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.

Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, doesn't always love you back-and move on, without bitterness.

Girls will read this and get an attitude.

Grown women will read this and pass it on to other Grown women and their male friends.

[Raistlin]

A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night.

He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose.

He was very self conscious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance.

"Would you like to dance with me?"he asked.

She replied "Would I!", and he sneered and replied,"BIG NOSE!"

[Raistlin]

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap.

While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book."

The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."

To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the equipment!"

[Raistlin]

A blonde and a brunette are living together.

The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist.

The brunette asked why the rope was around her waist.

The blonde said that she was trying to commit suicide.

The brunette said, "You put it around your neck!"

The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe!"

[Raistlin]

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females.

One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow muck and dives down toward her.

"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"

[Raistlin]

They Walk Among Us

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. Then she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?" . . .

They Walk Among Us!

===================

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old, still working fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on It saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. Caution ...

They Walk Among Us!

===================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"

When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!

===================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call centre. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call centre was open. I told him, "The number you dialled is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern Standard Time or Western Standard Time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Eastern" . . . . . .

They Walk Among Us!

===================

A mate and I were eating lunch in a restaurant when we overheard a woman at the next table talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive up the coast. She was saying she drove a convertible and a blonde girl sitting across from her said, "How did you get sunburned? Wasn't the car was moving?". . .

They Walk Among Us!

===================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car that's designed to to break the window if the car goes into the water. She keeps it in the trunk....

They Walk Among Us!

===================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!

===================

I was hanging out with a mate when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My mate said, "Wouldn't the Chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us!

===================

While in an Italian restaurant I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. The cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces, I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!

===================

They walk among us, and what's scary is that they reproduce - and, God help us, some of them even vote!

[Raistlin]

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars.They are sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps. They are fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[Raistlin]

Are they Make or Female ?

FREEZER BAGS:

They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see

right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS:

These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TYRES:

Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS:

Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES:

These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:

Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS:

Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS:

Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS:

Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL:

Female.

Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this:

It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying...........

[Raistlin]

Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life.

One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way through a fence, with its butt facing the tavern.

One drunk says he sure wishes that sheep were Marilyn Monroe.

The other says, "I just wish it were dark."

[Raistlin]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not?" giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

[Raistlin]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

[Raistlin]

At a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player says, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault.

Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with that either, so why should I tip him?"

The dealer replies, "When you eat at a restaurant do you tip the waiter?"

"Yes," the gambler concedes.

"Well then, he serves you food; whether it's good or bad isn't up to him.

By the same token, I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me."

"OK," says the gambler, "but the waiter gives me what I ask for.

I'll take an 8."

[Raistlin]

A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder.

Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds.

Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds. He

looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in

his life.

Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair..... She looks at him, beckons,

and says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."

Well, having no intention of doing *anything* with this woman, the man

climbs higher up the ladder.

A bit further on, he comes upon a woman slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any

means, but not repugnant. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success, "she says.

Again, the man elects to continue his climb.

Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually

attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. "Have sex with me, or

climb the ladder to success."

Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as

he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing.

A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his

life! Miss World beautiful.

In a sultry voice she says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, needless to say he is

*very* tempted.

But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to

climb higher.

On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in

his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty..... "Who are you?"

our climber asks in horror.

Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at him and says, "Hi. I'm Cess.