Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Hear about the guy who played a blank tape at full blast.

The mime next door went insane.

[Raistlin]

How did the blonde break her leg while raking leaves ?

She fell out of the tree

[Raistlin]

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.

They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen.

There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend visits her the next day and asks"

Are you hurt?"

She replies. Of Course I'm hurt, He hasn't called! He hasn't written!

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping ?

He scared the hell out of his dog.

[Raistlin]

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his wang grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed.

The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertable."

The dad replied "the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."

[Calisto]

lol Liked those!!!!

[Raistlin]

Why thank you

[Bizarra]

lol Liked those!!!!

Me too. Keep them coming. We all need a good laugh these days !

Wouldn't mind in the slightest reading the ones the Mods won't let you post

[Raistlin]

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his

options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible

donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an

automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman

who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet.

The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30

years. Which do you want?"

"I'll take the lawyer's heart", said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why

he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy", said the

patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

[Raistlin]

How to Hunt Elephants -- QA Style

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

[Raistlin]

There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass.

The first cow said "Moo."

And the second cow said "That's funny, I was just about to say that."

[Raistlin]

Why don't mexicans have barbeques?

the beans keep slipping through the grill.

[Raistlin]

I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her.

It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!

[Raistlin]

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist.

"What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish

funeral?

One less drunk.

[Raistlin]

Q. What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160?

A. Platoon

[Calisto]

There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass.

The first cow said "Moo."

And the second cow said "That's funny, I was just about to say that."

love it!!!! :P

[Raistlin]

There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass.

The first cow said "Moo."

And the second cow said "That's funny, I was just about to say that."

love it!!!! :P

But what about the joke...........

[Raistlin]

HE IRAQI FOOTBALLER

Glasgow Rangers Manager flies to Baghdad to watch a

young Iraqi play football, and is suitably impressed and

arranges for him to come over to Scotland.

Two weeks later, Rangers are 4-0 down to Aberdeen

with only 20 minutes left.

The Manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and

on he goes.

The lad is a sensation and scores 5 goals in 20

minutes and wins the game for Rangers.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are

delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum

to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.

'Hello Mum, guess what?' he says in an Iraqi accent.

'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I

scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me – the fans, the

media they all love me'.

'Wonderful', says his Mum, 'let me tell you about my day.

Your father got shot in the street and robbed,

your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten,

and your brother has joined a gang of looters,

and all while you were having such a great time'.

The young lad is very upset.

'What can I say Mum, except that I am very sorry?'

Sorry?!!!' says his Mum.

'It's your bloody fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place !”

[Raistlin]

Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed...Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.

"You know, Harvey," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creatue. My face is all wrinkled, my breasts sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!"

She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice,

Well........there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

[Raistlin]

Noah And Today's Ark

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going

to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and

all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good

people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering

you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered

the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the

blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You

better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long

time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began

to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in

his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt

crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there

were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for

the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code.

So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into

a long argument with him about whether to include a

fire-sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning

ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get

a variance from the city planning board."

"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark,

because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl.

I tried to convince the environmentalists and the Ag & Fish service

that I needed the wood to save the owls, but

they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an

animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of

each kind."

"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I

couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact

statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the

idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme

Being."

"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood

plan. I sent them a globe!"

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the

Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm

supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to

leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I

owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the

ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow

arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy

the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "the government already has."

[Red Yaris 54]

Your jokes get longer...............................but sadly no funnier :(

[Raistlin]

Why do they bury lawers 26 feet underground?

Because deep down, they are really nice guys.

[Raistlin]

Benefits of having Alzheimer's:

You can wrap your own presents.

You are always meeting new friends.

[Raistlin]

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.

The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.

The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"