Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You should take your workboots off before you jump on a trampoline.

[Raistlin]

A blonde decided that she was tired of her empty life. She cut her hair and dyed it brown, and set off for a drive.

She wanted to do random acts of kindness to see if it would change her life.

While driving through the countryside, she came across a farmer who was trying to get his sheep across the road.

She stopped her car and waved the farmer across, thinking this would be her first good deed.

After the sheep had all crossed, the blonde said to the farmer, "your sheep are so cute. If I guess how many there are, could I have one."

The farmer thought it impossible and told the blonde it was okay.

"637", said the blonde.

The farmer was amazed that the blonde had guessed the exact number, but lived up to his bargain.

"I'll take that feisty one over there", said the blonde.

Then the farmer said to the blonde, "Okay, now if I guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?

[Raistlin]

Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:

1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is *not* a virus.

[Bizarra]

Your jokes get longer...............................but sadly no funnier :(

I disagree !

But , if you are serious, let him post the DIRTY ones

[Red Yaris 54]

Your jokes get longer...............................but sadly no funnier :(

I disagree !

But , if you are serious, let him post the DIRTY ones

That will NEVER happen.

Back in October 2007 Raistlin was given an official warning by another forum moderator about posting obscene jokes on a public forum.

That official warning still stands............................his jokes are monitored by the moderating team and occasionally moderated or commented on.

Should the standard of jokes slip below the required level of acceptability on this, a public family forum, he knows what the consequences would be

I am serious :)

[Calisto]

Well for most part I like his jokes. :P

[Red Yaris 54]

Well for most part I like his jokes. :P

Please do not take my comments wrongly......................I appreciate most of his jokes but suspect that many are not original but just cut and pasted from other sites....................Hardly "All New Raistlin Jokes"

[Calisto]

tbh I suspect most are copied and pasted :P but a joke is still a joke! :D

[Raistlin]

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks.

The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron.

The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds.

The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem."

"If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too."

Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty pence," the man answers.

[Raistlin]

A man eating at restaurant says to his waiter, 'waiter, there's a fly in my soup!'

The waiter replies, 'That, sir, is entirely possible, you see our cook used to be a tailor.'

[Raistlin]

How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?

The cake jumps out of the girl.

[Raistlin]

Why do men like blonde jokes?

Because they can understand them.

[Raistlin]

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.

The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

The coroner says, "No."

The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"

"No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The corner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

[Raistlin]

For their 25th wedding anniversary, a man decides to take his wife on a trip to France.

After two weeks touring France, they return to the airport for the trip back.

While waiting for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and says, "This was the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our 25th anniversary.

I can't wait to hear what you have in mind for our 50th anniversary!"

Her husband leaned over, kissed her on the cheek, and said, "I'm going to come back and get you"

[Raistlin]

One day God called the Pope, and he said "John Paul I have good news and bad news.

First the good news.

I am tired of all the squabbling between the religions.

I have decided there will be only the one true religion".

The Pope was overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was, then asked "What's the bad news?".

God said the bad news is that I am calling from Israel.

[Raistlin]

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for £200.00, which he paid.

The next month, he got another bill for £200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for £200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad.

So I rented him a tuxedo."

[Raistlin]

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

[Raistlin]

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one

question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the

iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the

Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that

this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people

died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered,

"about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[Raistlin]

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a

timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the follow-

ing agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer",

and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb",

do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party

of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current

position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon

duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumina-

tion of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the

entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living

area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover

illumination being at the option of the party of the second part

(Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be-

tween the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be

limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without

elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or

any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part

(Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb)

in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-

negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second

part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first

part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the

first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the

party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the afore-

mentioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to

perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The

foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that

structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb)

may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and

in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held

blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement

is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil

(counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part

(Lawyer) throughout.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part

(Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part

("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have

the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light

Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local

and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party

of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning

installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb").

This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the

reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-

same document, being careful to note that the rotation should

occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-

negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option

of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the

first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all

persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to

produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of

the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with

maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth

part, also known as "The Firm".

[Raistlin]

The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers,

"A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and

says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are

you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation,

then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In

the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon

acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The

bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you

beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here

again".

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says,

"What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've

got the audacity to come back!".

The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in

this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm

very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

[Raistlin]

This day holds a lot of meaning for me.

It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.

I'll never forget that game of cards...

[Raistlin]

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?

They had reservations.

[Raistlin]

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent.

Wedding cake

[Raistlin]

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:

Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.

Father: When was the last time you made a confession?

Man: Never have, I am Jewish.

Father: Then why are telling me all this?

Man: I am telling everybody ...

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?

Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been coloured in yet.