Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What's brown and sticky ?

A stick.

[Raistlin]

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

[Bizarra]

I am, by profession, a Lawyer. I am highly offended by some of these jokes which heap scorn & derision upon my profession Furthermore, they are posted on a Forum, open to all to read, including children, thereby influencing their susceptable minds against us.

I hereby & forthwith serve notice upon you that I intend to seek compensation to the fullest extent of the law, for the hurt & damage caused to me & my Profession.

Relax ! Only joking. Keep up the good work. You should put them in a book & flog them. I WILL accept a commission for the idea

[Raistlin]

I am, by profession, a Lawyer. I am highly offended by some of these jokes which heap scorn & derision upon my profession Furthermore, they are posted on a Forum, open to all to read, including children, thereby influencing their susceptable minds against us.

I hereby & forthwith serve notice upon you that I intend to seek compensation to the fullest extent of the law, for the hurt & damage caused to me & my Profession.

Relax ! Only joking. Keep up the good work. You should put them in a book & flog them. I WILL accept a commission for the idea

How do you stop a Lawyer from drowning.......

Take your foot off his head :P

[Raistlin]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.

The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found, so he drives the farmer's

Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and

drives the car forward saving him from sinking

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow

again and the chicken fell into the mud hole.

The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of

the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." and the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

[Raistlin]

What's the brown stuff between an elephants toes ?

Slow natives.

[Raistlin]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out.

The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question."

[Raistlin]

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'

Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'

Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye.'

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet

you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and pee all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it.'

[Raistlin]

Phone answering machine message:

"...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

[Raistlin]

How to Hunt Elephants -- Senior Manager Style

Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on

the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but

with deeper voices.

[Raistlin]

A plane was taking off from London Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from London to New York.

The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.............

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.

You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[Raistlin]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten

years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, it's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

[Raistlin]

Two blondes were walking down the street.

One noticed a compact on the road and leaned down to pick it up.

When she opened it and looked in the mirror, she said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

"Let me look." said the other one.

So she handed her the compact.

The second blonde looked in the mirror then turned to the first one.

"You Moron -- that's Me !

[Raistlin]

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

[Raistlin]

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -

'Take a clean dish and....'"

[Raistlin]

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another one said, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

[Raistlin]

A husband said to his wife "Get your coat on love, it's time to go to the pub."

She replied "But you NEVER take me out."

"I'm not," said the husband, "but I'm turning the heating off before I go."

[Raistlin]

There was a Russian man named Rudolph, a high ranking member of the KGB.

One evening Rudolph and his wife, Helga, were walking along, and it begins to snow.

"My, my, look at the lovely snow," said Helga.

"No, that is not snow, that is rain!" replied Rudolph.

"No, no, no, this is snow," she said.

"Look, there is a palace guard, we will ask him."

Rudolph went to the palace guard and said "is it raining or snowing?"

The guard was no dummy, so he said "what do YOU think it is doing, Rudolph?"

Rudolph replied, "raining."

So the guard said "yes comrade, I was going to say raining, also!"

So Rudolph and Helga went walking off. the guard could just barely hear the KGB official say:

"RUDOLPH, THE RED, KNOWS RAIN, DEAR"

[Raistlin]

What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the dyslectic agnostic with insomnia ?

He used to lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

[Raistlin]

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts ?

The sound of the zipper scares the sheep.

[Raistlin]

One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot.

She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out.

The ant asked, "What do I get in return?"

The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."

So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out.

When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you ready?".

The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do anyways?"

The ant climbs up and starts to work away.

Just then a monkey overhead drops a coconut on the elephant's head.

"Ouch" screams the elephant, and the ant responds, "Yeah take it all bitch."

[Raistlin]

With all the recent talk of cloning, you'd think it was a new thing.

But in fact, a very wealthy man had himself cloned many years ago.

The boy grew up to have very foul mouth.

The more the son swore, the madder the father got.

One day, the father got so mad he pushed his son off a high cliff.

The Police arrested him for making an obscene clone fall.

[Raistlin]

RELATIONSHIPS:

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to

her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are

Idiots".

Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble

letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday

night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined

my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a

total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us."

This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and

99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges

that offer courses to help men get over this need.

SEX:

Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of

foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the

foreplay.

MATURITY:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can

function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading

baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This

is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's

magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because

the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body

is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.

Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most

naked men elicit laughter from women.

HANDWRITING:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just

chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they

dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously

large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a

note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a

smiley face at the end of the note !

BATHROOMS:

A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,

razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The

average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.

A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the

store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left

in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery

shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man

reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the

Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not

stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

CATS:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't

looking, men kick cats.

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article

of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about

eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally

out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a

U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men

always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.

THE TELEPHONE:

Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the

telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can

visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she

will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

RICHARD GERE:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy

who works at the health club and dates only married women.

MADONNA:

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

LOCKER ROOMS:

In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football,

and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football

nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories

about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex. And not

in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

MOVIES:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.

This is because every movie in the history of movies has been

produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in

the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

TIME:

When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,

she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football

game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time

outs, commercials, or replays.

FRIENDS:

Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's

night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass

the Doritos or Got any more beer?"

RESTROOMS:

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use

restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak

a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom

giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the

world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying,

"Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

[Raistlin]

Why does an elephant have four feet ?

Because it would look silly with six inches.