Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients ?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

[Raistlin]

How are husbands like lawn mowers ?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

[Raistlin]

How do you change a blonde's mind ?

Buy her another beer.

[Raistlin]

A nun is walking down a deserted road when a man grabs her and starts having his evil way with her.

After he was done, he says, "Hey Sister, what are you going to tell the other Sisters now ?"

"I'll tell them the truth, that you grabbed me, threw me to the ground, and forced me to make love twice....unless you're tired." she responded.

[Raistlin]

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.

You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on.

You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians.

You open them up and everything inside is colour-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers.

They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ars* are interchangeable."

[Raistlin]

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch.

He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by.

Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.

As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, "You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch".

"But I'm not pregnant," she says.

"Well you're not out of the ditch yet," he says.

[Raistlin]

A man walked into the Doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The Doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Elvis and a smart blonde?

Elvis has been sighted.

[Blue84]

Haha that's good, hadn't seen that before.

[Raistlin]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly.

"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom, I liked the idea so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the "statue."

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here." he said to the 'statue.'

"Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

[Raistlin]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he's just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he explains, "gold, silver and bronze."

"So what color are you gonna wear tonight?" she asks with a grin.

"Gold of course," says the proud man.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver -- it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

[Raistlin]

A judge asked a defendant to please stand.

"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the audience a man shouted, "Lies"

"Silence in the court!", the judge shouted back to the man.

He turned to the defendant and said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"Tightwad!", blurted the man again.

"Quiet!", yelled the judge who continued, "You are also charged with killing a postman with an electric drill."

"Son of a..." the man started to shout when the judge thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"

So the man answered, "I've lived next to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"

[Raistlin]

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?"

The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him."

So that night he did and God replied, "

You are what you are."

The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are."

The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

[Raistlin]

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.

It has to be saved for posterity."

With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!"

[Raistlin]

On a first date, a guy escorts a girl home and asks:

Guy: Can I come up for a cup of coffee?

Girl: Actually, I never invite guys over on a first date.

The guy thinks for a minute and says:

Well, what about the last date?

[Raistlin]

How do you get an elephant into the fridge?

1. Open door.

2. Insert elephant.

3. Close door.

How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?

1. Open door.

2. Remove elephant.

3. Insert giraffe.

4. Close door.

How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge?

The door won't close.

How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge?

There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.

How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?

By the footprints in the butter.

[Raistlin]

What do you do when an elephant comes through the window ?

Swim for it...

[Raistlin]

What has two gray legs and two brown legs ?

An elephant with diarrhea.

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea ?

Lots of room!

[Raistlin]

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his

neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's

his turn to be waited on.

A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase

and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked

the dog what it wanted today.

The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef,

and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the

butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said,

"Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher

said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up

a package of four pork chops.

The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get

at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before

tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the

dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house

where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's a

really smart dog you have there."

"He's not really all that smart," the owner replied.

"This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

[Raistlin]

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,

I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know

how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some

fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you

are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,

I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots

whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in

the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots

to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying

that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman

responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's

house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were

inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out

in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some

fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked

over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,

Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

[Raistlin]

Two cows were talking in the field one day.

First Cow: Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?

Second Cow: Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?

[Raistlin]

When does a person decide to become an accountant ?

When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as a lawyer.

[Raistlin]

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class.

The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off.

The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and

wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe

that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes

yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off.

The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says,

"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your privates

from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a

very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

[Raistlin]

Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and

besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied

something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful

Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she

fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work.

An empty cheque stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes

enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio,

what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the

car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet

and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody

clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with

her and a quick phone call to the AA and a short wait

saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be

the matter?

Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the

engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do

I have to do that?"

[Raistlin]

Leroy from Port Antonio always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of sneakers to go with his

sweat-suit. Leroy saved up all his pay slips and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Red Stripe and finally

managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white sneakers to go with his sweat-suit.

Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by, 'See mi new sneakers dem? Cool, eh?' One fine upstanding

gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of sneakers, but young Leroy had a lace undone. Leroy scornfully retorted that it

was part of being cool to have a trailing lace, and that on the bottom of the sneakers there were instructions for the wearer to only have one lace tied.

When asked for proof of this instruction, Leroy took off his Sneakers and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read..

'See it deh! It seh ' TAIWAN '.