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Posted

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

He decided to stick it out for one more year!


Posted

Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito ?

The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.

Posted

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, then how do they get baby oil ?

Posted

Changing of the English Language

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European

Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving

efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is

unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and

thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to

iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be

administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'

instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would

resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'

sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up

konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be

made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be

announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.

This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted

to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.

Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have

always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is

disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as

though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the

skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th'

by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh

is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be

dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid

to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl

riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and

evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt

vud finali hav kum tru.

Posted

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health,"

he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."


Posted

Why did the woman with P.M.S. cross the road ?

She just did, alright !!

Posted

From a Ryan employee....

"Welcome aboard Ryan airlines Flight XXX, to YYY.

To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.

It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.

Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.

If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

Posted
Why did the woman with P.M.S. cross the road ?

She just did, alright !!

Spot on!!!! :thumbsup:

Posted

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,

dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

Posted

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her 'Stammerers Action' group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said, ' If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.

So, who wants to go first? '

The Englishman piped up, ' B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham ', he said. ' That's no use, Trevor ' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next?'.

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out, 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley'. 'That's no better. There'll be no wild sex for you either afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy?'.

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out, ' London '. 'That's Brilliant, Paddy!', said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy wild sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said, 'd-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry

Posted

What do Marriage and a Tornado have in common ?

Well you start off with a lot of blowing and then sucking, and then next thing you know your house is gone !

Posted

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio ?

It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

Posted

What does a woman of 40 have between her breasts that a woman of 20 doesn't ?

A belly-button !

Posted

At the Doctor's... -A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."

"What do you mean?" said the doctor. -

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." -

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." -

Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?" -

"Why yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor.

"You have a sprained finger."


Posted

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist.

She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely.

I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me.

Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

Posted

Judi went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation. The cowboy

preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or

English saddle.

Judi asked what the difference was.

"Well, one has a horn and the other doesn't."

"Just get the one without the horn. I don't think

we'll run into too much traffic out here."

Posted

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doing ?"

His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."

Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage.

The postman filled her this morning."

Posted

The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey--Nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike.

She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'you can have ANYTHING you want!'"

"Good choice," says the first guy, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway.

Posted

A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney, feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle of hundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied.

"The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're dead!"

"I don't think so," his attorney told him. "I sent it in the other lawyer's name!"

Posted

A couple are under a tree on making out.

After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight."

He says, "Why is that ?"

She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."

Posted

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. . . . . . . . . . . . .

'Bugger off ' she said, 'they're for the funeral !'

Posted

Duties of Wives!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had

Given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he

had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.

He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came

home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had

given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and

the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but

The next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the

dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an English girl. He boasted that he told her

that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,

laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned

and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he

didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the

third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little

out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the

dishwasher, and call a handyman.

God Bless English Women

Posted

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride with an experienced partner.

A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."

Posted

Why don't women blink during foreplay ?

They don't have time.

Posted

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

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