Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

[Raistlin]

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house.

He got the outside.

[Raistlin]

What's red and invisible ?

No tomatoes.

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

[Raistlin]

At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20.

Grandpa's doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girl could be dangerous, even fatal.

Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbed replied "Oh well, if she dies, I'll just get myself another one."

[Raistlin]

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

[Raistlin]

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees.

"A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies.

The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees.

"A man and a woman making love in a boat."

He holds up the third picture.

"A man and a woman making love at the beach."

This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.

At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, "It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex."

And the man replies, "Well, you're the one with the dirty pictures."

[Raistlin]

A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours

to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long

cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him since he only

had 24 hours to live.

"Of course Darling," she replied.

And so they have sex.

Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again and

says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do

it again?"

Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.

Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. He

taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only

have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"

By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.

After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps

her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering

you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it

one more time?"

She turns to him with a sour look on her face and says, "You

know....... you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!"

[Raistlin]

New scientific theories

2nd RunnerUp- The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory:

You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums.

This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it all out.

[Raistlin]

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen.

The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day.

So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened.

He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

[Raistlin]

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-

natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

[Raistlin]

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whiskey you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whiskey for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whiskey you bitch!"

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whiskey but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now,bitch, or I'll give you a slap."

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bar steward !

[Raistlin]

Q. How can you tell if a man is sexually exited ?

A. He's Breathing.

[Raistlin]

A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses.

"Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to do the same."

"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow."

[Raistlin]

Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don't know where they are.

The first guy says "I'll find out" and puts his arm out the plane, then brings it back in and says "We're just over Paris"

"How do you know" ask the others

"Well I've just felt the top of the Eiffel tower."

Later on the second guy tries and says "We just flew over London"

"How?" asks the others

"Well I've just felt the top of Big Ben"

Still later on the last guy tries it, puts his arm out the plane, and says to the others "We have just flown over Glasgow."

"How do you know that?" comes the reply.

"Because some bar steward has just stolen my watch"

[Raistlin]

An Aussie was marooned on a desert island.

His only companions were a male dog and a female koala.

The dog and koala hit it off, and for a year the Aussie could only sit and watch while the dog entertained the koala senseless.

"Lucky bugger !" thought the Aussie, "I could do with some relief myself. "

One day a beautiful naked blonde was washed up on the beach.

"Hi. I'll do anything you want me to," she said to the Aussie.

"Great!!! At last, after all this time!!!

Take the dog for a walk, love, while I deal with this koala."

[Raistlin]

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot

summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big

bundle of wire.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"

"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's

chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"

"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at

the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens

caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid

comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this

here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch

me some ducks!"

"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer yells back. "Sure I

can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end

of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a

whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes

walking down the road carrying a stick.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?"

"Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow."

"Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."

[Raistlin]

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?"

inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

[Raistlin]

What do Arabs do on saturday night ?

They sit under palm trees and eat their dates.

[Raistlin]

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant.

The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store.

The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item.

The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years.

The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.

The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety.

The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."

[Raistlin]

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all

he visits a Cornish farmer.

"So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie

boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the

Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.

"So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie

boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do

it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets

a farmer from Abergaveny.

"So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?" "Well, I take the

hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the

front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

"Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them

over a wall like everyone else?"

"What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"

[Raistlin]

A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that

says; "Get gas and free sex here". So obviously the guy was

interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay.

"Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex." said the cashier.

"Uh, okay, 3!" the man replied.

"Nope! Sorry play again".

So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the

same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was

really ticked:

"This has got to be rigged! I have never gotten the number to

have free sex!" He screamed.

"Oh no! It's not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times

last week alone!"

[Raistlin]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[Beachbuggy]

A man goes to a doctor and says:

"Doctor, it's embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an !Removed!."

"Gee, what are you taking for it?"

"Snuff."

I have just bought my sister in law a birthday card with a very similar joke but the last word inestead of Snuff is Pepper, just think it improves it :P

So...

A man goes to a doctor and says:

"Doctor, it's embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an !Removed!."

"Gee, what are you taking for it?"

"Pepper".

[Raistlin]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."