Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Mirror, mirror A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door.

One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions.

Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: "Mirror mirror on the door, make my "manhood" touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash and both his legs fall off.

[Raistlin]

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

Four.

Actually, only one to screw it in.

The other 3 are there to listen to him brag about the screwing part !

[Raistlin]

I have noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.

It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there:

They have no wife to go home to... or they do.

[Raistlin]

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes.

She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.

She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally.

To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.

A while later, the local priest visits the old lady.

The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."

[Raistlin]

An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today."

"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"

The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages."

The friend looks at him quizically.

"Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but..."

"What do you think" says the rabbi, "that I do this for free?"

[Raistlin]

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-

law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood

facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

[Raistlin]

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control.

The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."

The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two.

We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."

[Raistlin]

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.

The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks."

The other said, "No, they look like moose tracks."

They argued and argued and were still arguing when the train hit them.

[Raistlin]

How does every ethnic joke start ?

By looking over your shoulder.

[Raistlin]

One blonde to another...

Have you ever read Shakespeare ?

No. Who wrote it ?

[Calisto]

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.

The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks."

The other said, "No, they look like moose tracks."

They argued and argued and were still arguing when the train hit them.

this one had me in fits of giggles.

[Raistlin]

Greetings,

You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS".

As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the honour system.

Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thank you for your cooperation.

[Raistlin]

How do you get a Blonde to Marry you ?

Tell her she's Pregnant.

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer ?

The taste.

[Raistlin]

Why does an elephant have four feet ?

Because it would look silly with six inches.

[Raistlin]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 streets from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 streets . He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there ?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask ?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

[Raistlin]

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his

doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an

advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like

heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.

He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight

loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,

there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe

dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her

neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss

company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,

without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't).

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has

his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last

time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company

does business.

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing

happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure

enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat

more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he

calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight

loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems

like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might

be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he

answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but

a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply

stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces

herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign

reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a

shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch

her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is

wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to

the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up

and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the

sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20

pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew

losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and

subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are

you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most

rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't

felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his

door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200

pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes

and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative

of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.

[Raistlin]

You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new neighbour. "Why on earth did you get married?"

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."

[Raistlin]

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: How much money have you got ?

[Raistlin]

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.

He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple.

Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface.

Divide that number by two.

If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

[Raistlin]

One year at halloween the governor was giving a costume party. All the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce what there characters were.

When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse".

As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane"

and so on as each guest arrived.

Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe.

"Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman. Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university.

The doorman asked "How shall I announce you ?"

The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation"

"I'm very sorry sir", said the doorman in obvious shock, "I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering."

"O.K." said the professor. "Just say I came in my pants"

[Raistlin]

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it ?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

[Raistlin]

A wealthy man sat in his attorney's office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news ?" the lawyer asked.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million pounds."

"That's the bad news ?" the man asked incredulously.

"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"It's of you and your mistress."

[Bizarra]

How does every ethnic joke start ?

By looking over your shoulder.

Only, I didn't.

I smoke pipe tobacco, called Travellers Joy. The shops in town who sell it know me & know what I want when I ask for Knackers Delight Travellers = Tinkers = Knackers, in case it is an Irishism.

Asked for it one day, & thought the owner gave me a funny look. I got the Baccy, & he said to me "You don't mind who you insult, do you , Victor?" I said that I didn't , really. I insult everyone, impartially! He said "Well, there were 2 Knackers standing beside you when you asked for the Baccy & I'm still alive ?

Sorry for butting in, Mate, but that was the truest joke ever.

Carry on the good work. Much appreciated

[Raistlin]

Why do women have smaller feet than men ?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.