Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Did you know there are serial number on condoms ?.

No

I guess you didn't roll them down far enough.

[Raistlin]

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

[Raistlin]

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

[Raistlin]

A boat filled with Viagra sank in the Thames last week........

They have not been able to lower Tower Bridge since.

[Raistlin]

Baptising an Irishman

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

"Are you ready to find Jesus ?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus ?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus me brother ?"

The drunk again answers, "No,oi I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus ?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure dis is where he fell in?"

[Raistlin]

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on

the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the

wife went on the ride by herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out

and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

"Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't

wave once!"

[Raistlin]

A sweet little girl runs out to the garden where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex ?"

So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.

He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc.

He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love......

He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth.

The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So why did you wish to know about sex ?"

"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a computer and a blonde ?

The computer is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

[Raistlin]

The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women.

It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"...

It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

[Raistlin]

How many men does it take to open a beer ?

None.

It should be opened by the time she brings it.

[Raistlin]

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover ?

A rash of good luck.

[Raistlin]

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his

tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men

were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

[Raistlin]

Why do they bury lawyers 26 feet underground ?

Because deep down, they are really nice guys.

[Raistlin]

What is the proper weight for a Lawyer ?

About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn !

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline ?

You should take your work boots off before you jump on a trampoline.

[Raistlin]

Two blondes walk into a building...

You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

[Calisto]

Two blondes walk into a building...

You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

:lol:

[Raistlin]

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those.

Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

[Raistlin]

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

[Raistlin]

A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget.

Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!"

Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy Dear, Can't you see I'm trying to taper off?"

[Raistlin]

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BI-ATCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

[Raistlin]

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Get in."

[Raistlin]

At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything.

When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: 'Is this pig?'

Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: 'Which end of the fork are you referring to?'

[Raistlin]

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes ?

Both of them.

[Raistlin]

How does a man know when his wife is losing interest ?

When her favorite sexual position is "next door"