Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking Battery acid,and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

[Raistlin]

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!"

"I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies.

"Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass."

"But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."

[Raistlin]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little

boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,

I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five pounds you can't. It's too

wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair

spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then

he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and

runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and

hands the little boy another five pounds.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five pounds."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

[cfc1]

[Raistlin]

Pope Dies The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven.

He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

[Raistlin]

A woman went to the bar with a black eye.

"How did you get that?" asked the bartender.

"From my husband," she replied.

"But I thought he was out of town ?" he asked.

"So did I!" she said.

[Raistlin]

A woman orders a chicken sandwich and starts to choke.

People are running frantically, trying to figure out what to do.

Two homosexuals sitting in the corner whisper to each other and run in front of the choking lady.

One strips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in front of his friend.

His friend proceeds to lick the other's bum.

Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged food from her throat.

After making sure the lady is OK, the two homosexuals return to their food.

One turns to the other and says, "Wow, that hind-lick maneuver really works!"

[Raistlin]

What's the definition of a Jewish nymphomaniac ?

One that makes love when she's just had her hair done.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men ?

It changes their blood type.

[Raistlin]

Two blondes were facing each other with a lake between them.

The first blonde wants to get to the other side so she yells to the other blonde,

"Hey! I want to get to the other side of the lake but I can't swim.

Please tell me how you did this !"

The second blonde then says, " But you ARE on the other side !"

[Raistlin]

Why did the blonde crash her plane when landing ?

Because the runway was only 25ft long, but a mile wide.

[Raistlin]

How does a man show he's planning for the future ?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

[Raistlin]

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-

curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.

"What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.

"Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?"

[Raistlin]

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road.

They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, "Look, its shivering, it must be cold. What should I do ?"

He says, "Put it between your legs."

She says, "What about the smell?"

He says, "Hold its nose."

[Raistlin]

How do you make a hormone ?

Don't pay her.

[Raistlin]

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You have to send help! My wife's going into labour"

The nurse says, "Calm down, Now is this her first child ?"

He says, "No! This is her husband"

[Raistlin]

A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report.

"Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife."

"OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."

[Calisto]

liking them!

[Raistlin]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of

a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he

starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a

grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven,

1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth

Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he

leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with

him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has

changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the

previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When

they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing,

again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are

being played in the reverse order in which they were

composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has

gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the

Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for

the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's

just decomposing!"

[Raistlin]

Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries.

The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads

towards the back of the store.

"If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't

need the batteries."

[Raistlin]

*ring* *ring*

"Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?"

"I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whispered

huskily, "...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you until

morning."

"Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that from two hello's?"

[Raistlin]

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?

The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."

[Raistlin]

Man walks into a supermarket and buys :

1 bar of soap

1 toothbrush

1 tube toothpaste

1 loaf of bread

1 pint of milk

1 single serving cereal

1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you ?"

The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess ?"

She replies "because you're ugly."

[Raistlin]

What's the Arkansas state motto ?

If you can't keep it in your pants keep it in the family.

[Raistlin]

God made a man and then rested.

Then God made a woman and then no one rested