Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bungee jumping ?

Scared the hell out of the dog.

[Raistlin]

Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach ?

The cats keep covering them up with sand

[Raistlin]

A husband said to his wife "Get your coat on love, it's time to go to the pub."

She replied "But you NEVER take me out."

"I'm not," said the husband, "but to save energy I'm turning the heating off before I go."

[flexy7]

!

[Calisto]

Got a couple: 1) What's small pink & wrinkled & hangs out your undies ? 2) whats pink & hard ? Answer 1)Your Nan 2)A Pig with a Flick Knife !

Oh Flexy c'mon

That was not a couple of jokes, that was just a sentence. :(

There are pages and pages on how to set up a joke. :P

Have fun. :D

[Raistlin]

How do you get a one armed man out of a tree ?

Wave at him.

[Raistlin]

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

1. No mind

2. No business.

[Raistlin]

On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister.

"Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit from the mistakes of another ?"

"Absolutely not!" replied the pastor.

"In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July."

[Raistlin]

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."

[Raistlin]

Whats the difference between pink and purple ?

Your grip.

[Raistlin]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You ca n get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age) , but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[Raistlin]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her

husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'

She asked.

'Hunting Flies'

He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'

She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, ' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.

'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded

'3 were on a beer can,

2 were on the phone!'

[Raistlin]

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner

wearing a neck brace.

He sat down and asked his mate what happened.

"Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his

friend.

"Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I

thought I'd give her a hand.

There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white.

So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball.

I called out to the chick and said, 'Lady, does this look like yours?', then bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"

[Raistlin]

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer ?

Hey! There's some things even a blonde won't do.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws ?

Outlaws are wanted.

[Raistlin]

Clinton died and was standing at hte Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"'It's me, Bill Clinton."

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

[Raistlin]

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.

The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice ?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

[Raistlin]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor"

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"MY dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.

I don't see what problem is?" "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."

[Raistlin]

AMNESIA:

Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.

[Raistlin]

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited ?

He's Breathing.

[Raistlin]

Howard had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it, You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,

"Howard. You're a veterinarian."

[Bizarra]

An old farmer & his wife were sitting in silence, having breakfast, when she thinks that she had better let him know that she has an appointment with the Doctor that morning. All she gets in reply is a grunt.

Off she goes, sees her Doctor , does a bit of shopping & races home to get the lunch ready for Himself.

1/2 way through the meal, the farmer thinks that he had better ask how she got on & does so. Oh sez she, he told me I had a beautiful pussy.

The ould fella chokes, splutters & explodes "He has no right to look at that. I've never seen it. I don't want to see it. It is disgusting, but he shouldn't look at it. I'm going to make an appointment & Tell him off"

So, he makes an appointment to see the Doctor on the following day. When his turn comes, in he goes & says "My wife tells me that you said that she has a beautiful pussy. I've never seen it & you have no right to be looking at it " He rants on for 5 minutes,& when he stops to draw breath the poor Doctor raises his eyes to Heaven & says " I never said she has a beautiful pussy. I told her she has Acute Angina"

[Raistlin]

Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . .

600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . .

please instruct!

Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot . . .

repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in heaven . . ."

[Raistlin]

Why do doctors slap babies when they are born ?

To knock the penises off the smart ones.

[Raistlin]

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child ?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity.

Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."