Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

With a puzzled look on his face an Indian boy asked, "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower ?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild ?"

"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.", She explained.

His mother paused for a moment then asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

[Raistlin]

On her way home a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".

By the time she drove the eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

[Hou]

Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . .

600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . .

please instruct!

Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot . . .

repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in heaven . . ."

That ones class

heres some more

A young man called directory assistance.

"Hello, operator,

I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."

"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,"

the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated, and then said,

"Well, most people call me Ice Man."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified, food tasting horrible is nonsense.

I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of salmon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said "we need to talk about our future".

I said "yeah, it's gonna be ****ing mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"

I'm now single.

[john1944]

Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . .

600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . .

please instruct!

Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot . . .

repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in heaven . . ."

That ones class

heres some more

A young man called directory assistance.

A notice in the Golf Club House wash room clearly stated, * Members are requested not to wash their balls in the hand sinks.*. A group of committeee members entered the washroom to find a lone golfer, trousers and boxers lowered, and obviously giving his lower body a good rinse. * Hey you, !!* shouted the secretary, pointing at the notice and saying *what the hell are you doing ?*......*Oh its ok* came the reply, * I am not a member*

"Hello, operator,

I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."

"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,"

the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated, and then said,

"Well, most people call me Ice Man."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified, food tasting horrible is nonsense.

I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of salmon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said "we need to talk about our future".

I said "yeah, it's gonna be ****ing mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"

I'm now single.

[Hou]

Why did you just quote my whole post but not say anything?

A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology.

When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie.

She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.

“It so getting late, big boy!” she says after a few minutes.

“Why donto we go upstairs to bed”?

“We might as well”,slurs the husband.

“Ime going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot.

The parrot would always ruin his act by saying things like,

“He has a card up his sleeve” or “He has a dove in his pocket.”

One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat.

For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other.

Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said,

“Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Lone Ranger and Tonto have been riding all day on a buffalo hunt.

Then they stop to rest.

Tonto places his ear to the ground and listens.

“Buffalo come,” Tonto says.

“How do you know that?” asks the Lone Ranger.

“Ear sticky.”

[Raistlin]

One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go

out to do some errands.

So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.

The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't

stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the

infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine

the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he finds that the diaper is indeed full. "Here's the problem", the Dr. says. "He needs a change."

The father is very perplexed, " But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs!"

[Raistlin]

I guess some things will never change.

I hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave.

Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.

She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four hundred a week."

I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.

She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be six hundred a week

[Raistlin]

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

[Raistlin]

What do you call a woman who can suck golf balls through a hose ?

Darling.

[Raistlin]

What's a transvestite's idea of a good time ?

Eat, drink, and be Mary

[Raistlin]

A pastor in Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting.

Along the trail he turned a corner and collided with a bear, the

pastor stumbled, backwards, slipped off the trail, and began

tumbling down the mountain, the bear in hot pursuit.

Finally the pastor crashed into a bolder, breaking both his legs and sending

his rifle flying through the air, just out of his reach.

As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out "Lord, I'm sorry for

what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! - Lord please

make this bear a Christian".

Suddenly the bear skipped to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell

to it's knees, clasped it's paws together, began to weep and

said "God bless this food which I am about to receive!"

[Raistlin]

A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them.

"What's your name?" she asks the first. To her surprise, the dog answers "My name's Huey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles."

She goes up to the second dog and asks "What's your name?" The dog replies "My name's Duey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles."

She turns to the third dog and says "I suppose you're going to tell me your names Luey and you're having a great day going in and out of puddles."

The dog replies "No, I'm having a miserable day and my name is Puddles."

[Raistlin]

A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications.

He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.

The computer operated faultlessly.

It sent him a penguin.

[Raistlin]

A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

[Raistlin]

Two chaps get stuck on a desert island.

They are soon caught by the natives and brought to a village and put before the chief.

He says to the first chap,"As punishment for trespassing I give you a choice, death or Ru Ru".

Not wanting to die he picks Ru Ru.

He is then beaten and buggered to unconsciousness right in front of his friend.

The 2nd chap when asks says "I'd rather die than suffer that ".

The chief says "Great,death it is, death by Ru Ru..."

[Raistlin]

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women ?

When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

[Raistlin]

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.

At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle

nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber

being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is

the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are

manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait

a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss,

hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the

guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

[Raistlin]

A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher.

"Are you a friend of the bride ?" he asked.

"Certainly not," she snapped, "I'm the groom's mother."

[Raistlin]

I've got trouble with the wife again -

she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.

[balli hi]

hiya Raistlin, I just wanted to say that i am so glad i found your jokes page, i sat up till 2am last night reading your jokes and laughing my spuds off

Keep up the good work mate...... brilliant

[Raistlin]

Judi and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.

Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!

Judi: That's nothing; last night I had over a twenty.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.

Judi: (looking shocked) Oh, you mean with one guy.

[Raistlin]

Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It laced individuality and

besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied

something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful

Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she

fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check

stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes

enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing

in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly

go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the

car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet

and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody

clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with

her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait

saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be

the matter?

Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the

engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do

I have to do that?"

[Raistlin]

A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from

inside the aprtment, walks inside to find his wife on the floor

of the living room naked.

Wife yells, "help, help, I am having a heart attack", the husband runs in the other room to call the

doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says "daddy, daddy,

there is a naked man in the closet".

The husband opens the closet door and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, god damn it,

my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scare the kids"!!!

[Raistlin]

So this guy was out on his front lawn flying a kite, he was really having a difficult time.

The kite was swinging wildly, not exactly what you'd describe as stable, so his wife sticks her head out the door and says, "Gee Ralph, it looks like you need more tail."

Ralph replies "Make up your goddamn mind, last night you told me to go fly a kite!"

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Elvis and a smart blonde ?

Elvis has been sighted.