Raistlin's Joke Page

[balli hi]

Heard the one about the Irishman who tried to blow up a bus ?

Burnt his lips on the exhaust !

[balli hi]

Paddy go's into a pub, walks up to the bar, and orders a pint of bitter,

The barman ask's Whitbred?

Er yes please, replies Paddy, tree slice's !

[balli hi]

Did you hear the one about the Leper's hockey game ?

The game had to be abandoned after two minutes, because there was a face off in the corner !

[balli hi]

Little Johny's dad comes home from work, go's up to the bathroom and finds Johny in the bath having a J Arther

You dirty little sod, he shouts

Its my *****, and i'll wash it as fast as i like, replies Johny !

[Raistlin]

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office.

The interviewer decides to start with the basics.

'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?'

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for

about 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'

The interviewer tries another straightforward one

to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height,

please?'

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring

tape from her handbag. She then traps one end

under her foot and extends the tape to the top of

her head. She checks the measurement and announces,

'Five foot two!'

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for

the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our

records, your name please?'

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about

twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself,

before replying, 'Mandy!'

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so

he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand

your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and

the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what

were you doing when we asked you your name?'

'Ohh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running

through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''

[Raistlin]

A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband the bad news that she has only 18 hours to live. "That's terrible!!!" said her husband, "What would you like to do during your last hours ? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible for you."

"Well," she said, "First, I want to take a long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my favorite restaurant and then go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long !"

"Gee, Honey." said her husband, "I don't know about that 'all night long' stuff. After all, I'm gonna have to get up in the morning and you won't"

[Raistlin]

Useful Phrases to Know When Travelling in the Middle East

AKBAR KHALI_KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN

Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL ORADAN DAVAT PAEH CUSH DIVAR

I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor

with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFthe BANDE

I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST

It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk

of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN

If you will do me the kindness of not harming by genitel appendages I will

gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN

The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.

TIEKH NUNEH OB KHREELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM

The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must

have the recipe.

[Raistlin]

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem.

Hollindaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

[Raistlin]

Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick.

The doctor tells him, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."

Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick ?"

The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."

[Raistlin]

Four men got together at a reunion. All of them had sons and they started

discussing them.The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned

a factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his

best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.

The second man said his son was doing just as well.He was a manager at a

car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

The third man said his was doing well too.He was a manager at a bank.

Why,just the other day he gave his best friend a the money to buy a house.

The fourth man just shook his head. He said his son was gay and hadn't

amounted to much.But he must be doing something right because,

just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari

by his friends!

[Raistlin]

A tourist is visiting Liverpool when his car breaks down.

He jumps out and starts fiddling under the bonnet.

About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his boot !

He runs around and yells, "Hey, mate, this is my car !"

"OK," the man says, "You take the front and I`ll take the back."

[Raistlin]

Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze.

When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.

They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"

[Raistlin]

A man walks in to a doctors office and says, "Doctor you must help me. I have AIDS."

The doctor replies, "Are you gay?"

The man answers "yes."

The doctor says, "I think I can help.

Go to the grocery store, buy a box of laxatives and a gallon of prune juice.

Take ALL of the laxatives and drink ALL of the prune juice.

Take a nap for a couple of hours.

When you wake up your problem will be solved."

The man answers, "Will that cure my AIDS ?"

The doctor replies, "No, but you will find out what your butt is really for !"

[Raistlin]

These two men were cell mates in jail for nine years.

One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you ought to let me have you."

Joe replied. "Are you crazy ?"

Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who is first.

So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed.

They flipped a coin and Larry won.

Still having strong reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not ?"

Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop.

But if it feels good start singing."

Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo. Moooooo. Mooooon River......

[Raistlin]

A kindergärtner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see.

One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched.

In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.

"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."

The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom ? How do you spell 'zilla'?"

[Raistlin]

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a heubik slowly drive by.

Following the first heubik was a second heubik, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second heubik and asked him who was in the first heubik. "My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second heubik.

The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

"Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.

[Raistlin]

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.

"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.

Thanks for the lift anyhow."

[Raistlin]

A blonde walks into the police recruiting office looking for a job.

The officer wants to ask her a few questions....

Officer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln ?

Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

[Raistlin]

A girl sat sobbing in the police station. "I was raped by an Italian."

She wailed.

"How do you know it was an Italian? The detective asked.

"I had to help him," the girl replied.

[Raistlin]

If fathers have Father's Day, and mothers have Mother's Day

what do single guys have ?

Palm Sunday.

[Raistlin]

A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over.

He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath.

He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyser test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."

She blows up the balloon and he walks over to the police car.

After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."

She replies "You mean it shows that, too ?"

[Raistlin]

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological

arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.

One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority

rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided

to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and

they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his

prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It

rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I

knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm

clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to

show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a

bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed

toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning

slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted

that nothing had happened that could not be explained by

natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just

as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth

shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S

RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three,

and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

[Raistlin]

A little boy was excited about his first day at school.

So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class

started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to

the bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask if

he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but

asked him to be quick.

Five minutes later he returned, looking more desperate

and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.

The teacher sat him down and drew him a little diagram

to where he should go and asked him if he will be able

to find it now. The boy looked at the diagram, said "yes"

and goes on his way.

Five minutes later he returned to the class room and says

to the teacher "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon, a boy who has been at

the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So two fellas go together and five minutes later they

both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks

Jon, "Well, did you find it?"

Jon is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his

boxer shorts on backwards"

[Raistlin]

How To Give Your Cat a Pill

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as

if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice

kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left

hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its

mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse

to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in

bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso

over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's

mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since

your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're

doing. That's just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat

and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here,

anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing

claws are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on

floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to

flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or

woman.

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth

at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

[Raistlin]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.

They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has some soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers.

He gets halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his tool.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look," says the 2nd nun... "A soap dispenser."

To test her theory she also pulls his tool... and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap.

The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times.

Still nothing happens.

So she tries once more and to her delight she yells...

"Look, hand cream!"