Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

So you don't know jack Schitt

He's the only son of Awh Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awh Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn.

jack Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth.

Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, and another son, Bull Schitt.

Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, married the Happens brothers.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spice number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

So now you know jack Schitt.

[Raistlin]

How do you know when you have really upset the barmaid ?

You find some string in your bloody mary

[Raistlin]

The doctor took Bill into the room and said, "Bill, I have some good news and some bad news."

Bill said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

[Raistlin]

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to

do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!"

"I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies.

"Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass."

"But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps

with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."

[Raistlin]

Why did the Navy switch to liquid soap ?

It's harder to pick up.

[Raistlin]

The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable.

The three of them decide to duck inside.

On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.

"Jesus *****!" he says.

Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"

[Raistlin]

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office.

When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time.

Sex is fine until late In the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed.

"He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

[Raistlin]

When the staff goes out after work, they talk about football or basketball.

When Middle management gets together, they talk about tennis or baseball.

Top management discusses golf.

Conclusion:

The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.

[bridgy]

lol some funny jokes any1 got any more

paul.

[Raistlin]

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer.

As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT OWN RISK!"

He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.

The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.

The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now.

You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.

Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts.

The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.

They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load.

So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

[Raistlin]

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A rumour

[Raistlin]

Why can't you find call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man ?

Because they have boyfriends already.

[Raistlin]

The tube train car was packed.

It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand.

One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really" she spat."then you must have a great job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."

[Raistlin]

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.

"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals.

As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... physically attracted to my horse."

"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female ?"

"Female, of course!" the man replied.

"What do you think I am...GAY???"

[Raistlin]

Special Classes for Men

1. Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays.

Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2

hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

2. Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?

Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturdays 12:00 for 2 hours.

3. Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and

Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?

Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturdays 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

4. Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.

Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

5. Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

6. Class 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00PM.

7. Class 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with looking in the right places

instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.

Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

8. Class 8: Health Watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.

Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.

9. Class 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost.

Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

10. Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks?

Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturdays at noon, 2 hours.

11. Class 11: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

[Raistlin]

Actual label instructions on consumer goods

1. On a Morphy Richards hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

(and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

2. On a bag of Fritos:

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.

Details inside.

(the shoplifter special?)

3. On a bar of Dovel soap:

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(and that would be how???....)

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:

"Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):

Don 't turn upside down."

(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

6. On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding:

"Product will be hot after heating."

(...and you thought????...)

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

"Do not iron clothes on body."

(but wouldn't this save me more time?)

8. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get

those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(and... I'm taking this because???...)

10. On most brands of Christmas lights:

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(as opposed to... what?)

[Raistlin]

Wise thoughts

1. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

2. Life is sexually transmitted.

3. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

4. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him

a sandwich.

5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet

and they won't bother you for weeks.

6. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't

help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing...

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred pounds and a substantial tax cut

saves you thirty pence ?

[Raistlin]

Female Rules

1. PMS is every woman's perogative. It is always a good enough excuse for

anything, and take advantage of it whenever possible.

2. Don't be afraid to gossip. It is your responsibility to make sure your

friends are well-informed about the latest happenings.

3. You may change your mind whenever you wish.

4. Never give a direct answer when a man asks you a question.

5. It is not wrong to withold sex to get what you want.

6. Always ask a guy "What are you thinking?" after sex.

7. If he doesn't call, take it as the most personal of insults.

8. Never believe "I love you" if it comes before sex.

9. Always wear matching bra and panties for the first few dates, then you can s

witch to the comfortable old palin white cotton once you have impressed him

with the stylishness of your underwear.

10. ALWAYS say that he is the best you've ever had.

11. Fake orgasms when necessary.

12. Find a "cute giggle". Practice it constantly.

13. Learn to toss your hair around, even if it's short.

14. Never admit that your're not a real blonde.

15. Shopping always makes you feel better.

16. When with a group of girls, it is customary to talk particularly about the

girl who is not present.

17. Always try to set up your single female friends with your single male friends.

18. Never forget that men are pigs.

19. Jeans: the tighter the better.

20. The fact that you menstruate makes it okay to bitch as much as you want

about anything you want.

21. Criticize every other woman behind her back.

22. Never reveal the full extent of your intelligence to a man.

23. Pretend that you can't do certain "guy" things like change a flat tyre.

It's even okay to claim that you can't pump gasoline or check the oil.

Helpless females make a guy feel macho.

24. If a guy really cares about you, he should be able to read your mind. You

needn't have to explain yourself, ever. And he should know what's expected

of him without you saying anything.

25. Be a tease.

26. Men always want to know how they compare to the last guy you were with.

Always say "Your're not as well hung as my last boyfriend."

27. Never dutch treat.

28. If he doesn't spend money on you, don't waste your time.

29. Guys like to see you flirt with their friends.

30. Develop a "cute butt" scale and use it to rate every guy's butt that you see.

31. Never go to the ladies room alone, if you can help it.

32. Carry feminine hygiene products with you wherever you go, and don't be shy

about showing them to people.

33. Always announce to everyone when you are on the rag.

[Raistlin]

Women - keywords and their meaning

1. FINE

This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about

but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will

cause you to have one of those arguments.

2. FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your

football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I

feel that it's an even trade.

3. NOTHING

This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually

used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,

upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will

last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

4. GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over

"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

5. GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will

get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"

and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

6. LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very

misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot

at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and

arguing with you over "Nothing".

7. SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few

things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is

to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

8. OH

This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that".

Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh"

before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that

she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not

expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence

usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get

out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so

unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

9. THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.

"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you

retributions for what ever it is that you have done.

"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with

a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has

plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

10. PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to

come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is

that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful

and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

[Raistlin]

What's the quickest way to a woman's heart ?

Straight through the rib cage. ...

[Raistlin]

A study conducted by Kings Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the

kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on

where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and

masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more

attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his

chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

[Raistlin]

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's

office.

"You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic

cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis

you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable

positions," the medic said.

"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your

Lamborghini."

[Raistlin]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

[flexy7]

!

[Raistlin]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunk is standing in the pouring rain and he asks for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning !'

He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that ?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there !'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us ?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there ?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push ?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you ?' asks the husband.

The drunk replies, 'Still over here on the swing.'