Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men:

A Woman.

[Raistlin]

Mr. Goldfarb was walking down the street.

In each arm he carried a bag. He ran into Mr. Klein.

Mr. Klein asked, "What are those bags for ?"

"I'm collecting for Israel", said Mr. Goldfarb.

"You need two bags ?, said Mr. Goldfarb.

It's fantastic. I go into the men's room.

I pull out a knife and hold it up.

Then I say, 'Give for Israel or get a circumcision.' It works.

I have forty thousand dollars in this bag.

"What do you have in the other bag?", inquired Mr. Klein.

"Oh, well, not everybody gives."

[Raistlin]

A Doctor says to a patient, "Well, I've got good news and bad news."

The patient asks for the bad news and the doctor tells him that he has just three weeks to live.

"Three weeks! That's terrible. I'll be dead in three weeks ! What's the good news."

Doctor says, "See my huge breasted receptionist ? Well, I'm having an affair with her"

[Raistlin]

Oscar was an unlucky sap.

Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord.

The chute emerged, tangled, and he cut it free.

He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled.

He prayed to his God and looked down to the ground below.

To his amazement, a woman was coming up with equal velocity. "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" he shouted to her, as they passed by.

The reply: "No... you know anything about Coleman stoves?"

[Raistlin]

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin.

As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. T

hey argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee.

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly ?

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

[Raistlin]

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.

"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.

"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law ?"

"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.

[Raistlin]

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test.

The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"

"274," was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

[Raistlin]

An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing hand, and one missing eye goes into a bar.

The sailor sitting next to him says, "You're really in bad shape. What happened to your leg?"

"I fell overboard," says the Captain, "and before my mates could pull me aboard, a shark bit it off." "Terrible," says the sailor.

"And what happened to your hand?"

"We attacked a man-o'-war," says the Captain, "and one of the attackers chopped it off with a saber."

"Awful," says the sailor. "And how did you lose your eye?" "Seagull droppings," says the Captain.

"Amazing," says the sailor. "I didn't know seagull droppings could put your eye out."

"Can't," says the Captain. "But it was my first day with the hook."

[Raistlin]

A Reference Guide For Weekend Fun

1. ECSTASY

How you think you behave: Like the beautiful, caring, wonderful person you really

are.

How you actually behave: Like the creepy kid at school who always sucked up to the

teacher. Those revolting sweaty hugs you inflict upon anyone you meet are disgusting.

Likelihood of getting laid: 30%. Sex is not important. It's all about the "vibe."

How you feel in the morning: Like you should have gone for the sex.

Embarrassment rating: 6/10 Ecstasy makes you say nice things to people that you

don't like. This can be very embarrassing, particularly if people believe what you

say. Be careful who you give your phone number to. They just might call.

2. MARIJUANA

How you think you behave: You're not sure, but you think people could be laughing at

you.

How you actually behave: Like someone just hit you over the head with an 800KG

fridge freezer combination.

Likelihood of getting laid: 60%. If you spend enough time on the couch, anything can

happen.

How you feel in the morning: Like another joint. And the rest of that pizza.

Embarrassment rating: 1/10. You are moving so slowly that it's almost impossible to

do anything stupid.

3. ALCOHOL

How you think you behave: Like the life of the party. You are sexy, funny and

everybody likes you.

How you actually behave: Like the death of the party. Your behaviour gets

progressively worse as you tell more and more crass jokes, insult the bartender,

spill your drink and make a pass at your best friends date.

Likelihood of getting laid: 90%. Your sexual standards drop dramatically with each

consecutive drink. If surrounded by others whose standards are also lowered, then

your chances are pretty good.

How you feel in the morning: Who did I insult? Where is my car? Why did I sleep with

someone from the office? I've never felt this bad before. This is absolutely the

last time.

Embarrassment rating: 11/10. Not only are you stupid, you are sloppy. Everyone

recognizes this, except you.

4. COCAINE

How you think you behave: You are smart, irresistible and want to "do lunch" with

everyone.

How you actually behave: Like an annoying know-it-all who would sell his soul for

the next line of blow.

Likelihood of getting laid: 80% It may be a Jedi Mind Trick, but when you sincerely

believe you are so irresistible, some clueless and insecure type may actually fall

for it

How you feel in the morning: Like the apeman.

Embarrassment rating: 0/10 if there's more coke in the drawer. 9/10 if there isn't.

5. ACID or SHROOMS

How you think you behave: You are not behaving, but the world around you is putting

on a pretty good show.

How you actually behave: In reality, it is you putting on the show. The rest of the

world is behaving the same as ever.

Likelihood of getting laid: 20% Even if you actually manage to get through the

process of selecting a mate, removing your clothes and choosing a sexual position,

you will then have to deal with the challenge of your partner changing into a furry

animal/the devil/your mother.

How you feel in the morning: Either you are climbing the wall swishing that God

would put an end to your suffering, or you finally understand Huxleys "The Doors of

Perception."

Embarrassment rating: 0/10 You either sat on the couch and laughed at the TV all

night even if it was turned off). Or you climbed onto a building, tried to fly and

died.

[Raistlin]

Elephant Jokes

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?

"Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses

in the distance?

Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?

"Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?

An elephant is grey.

What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?

"Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)

How do you get four elephants into a Mini?

Two in the front, two in the back.

What game do four elephants in a mini play?

Squash

How do you get an elephant into the fridge?

1. Open door.

2. Insert elephant.

3. Close door.

How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?

1. Open door.

2. Remove elephant.

3. Insert giraffe.

4. Close door.

How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge?

The door won't close.

How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge?

There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.

How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?

By the footprints in the butter.

How do you get two elephants out of the water?

One by one.

Why do elephants live in herds?

To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.

How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?

Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".

What do you do when an elephant comes through the window?

Swim for it...

What has two grey legs and two brown legs?

An elephant with diarrhea.

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?

Lots of room!

What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?

An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

Why did the Elephant stand on the marsh mellow?

So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.

Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?

Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?

An inside out elephant.

What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?

Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.

What is grey and not there.

No elephants.

How do you shoot a blue elephant?

With a blue elephant gun, of course.

How do you shoot a red elephant?

No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a green elephant?

Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a yellow elephant?

There's no such thing as a yellow elephant, stupid!

Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries.

How did Tarzan die?

Picking cherries.

What's the fastest thing in the jungle?

A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.

How do you get an elephant out of a tree?

Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till Autumn.

Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?

It was stapled to the first one.

And why did the tree fall down?

It thought it was an elephant.

Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?

To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?

Bloody great holes all over Australia.

How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?

Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Why do elephants wear sandals?

So that they don't sink in the sand.

Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?

To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?

They're both blue, except for the elephant.

Why are elephants feet shaped the way they are?

To fit on lily pads.

What is that stuff between elephants toes?

Slow natives.

Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?

So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?

No? Well, it must work.

What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?

Cinderelephant.

[SJandMR2]

:o The other day an AYGO tried to overtake me....!

As a sensitive member of the Aygo community I am utterly offended by that post.

I do however wish my Aygo had a spoiler like that one!

would choose little tikes over the camry anyday :P

[Raistlin]

Damn, it's good to be a man...

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - £5000; Suit rental - £100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the damn time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

[Raistlin]

I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."

"What is she doing?", the pal asks.

"Waiting for me to get home."

[Raistlin]

A man takes his sick dog to the vet.

The vet lifts the dog onto the the operating table, looks down and says "Say ahhhhhhhhhhh!"

The man looks at the vet and says "The dog can't speak".

The vet says to the man "I was talking to YOU.

The dog,s dead!!!

[Calisto]

I have not lol'd so much in ages.....keep up the good work hun.

[flexy7]

!

[Calisto]

LOL at you Flexy! I honestly thought that was quite funny..

I will get my own coat!!!!

[Raistlin]

Because I'm a Man

When I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire

long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in.

The RAC or AA is not an option. I will get in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the

hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.

If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be

able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and

everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink beer and

break wind as a form of Holy Communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup

and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You

never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at

the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items

like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing. And

never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which

'feminine hygiene product' is a euphemism.

( F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function).

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will

insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me

twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back

together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand

while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an entire

show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a

calculator)...applies to engineers mainly.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.

The answer is always either s*x, cars or sport. I have to make up

something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your

mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her

any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay;

I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my

mother too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.

Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you

are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember

the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what

you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair ofshoes is

fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You

look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I will share

equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the

cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...

like looking for my socks, or wandering around in the garden with a beer

wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for Women to better understand

Men...the above might seem like a joke. But it's not...........

[Raistlin]

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.

Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies.

"Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."

[Raistlin]

Four married guys go golfing.

During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, " You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse ?'

So she says, "Wear your sweater."

[Raistlin]

Why is a man at his smartest when he is having sex ?

Because he's plugged into a woman

[Raistlin]

A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.

She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.

"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm. Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "at our house, we have everything."

"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."

"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."

"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.

"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said "God, that's all we needed."

[Raistlin]

Why do Black widow spiders kill there mates after mating ?

To stop the snoring before it starts..

[Raistlin]

This bloke was ordered from the pool for peeing in the water.

"That's ridiculous!" he shouted at the pool manager. "Everybody does it, you know."

"That may be so," came the reply, "but usually not from the diving board."

[Raistlin]

It seems that there were these 3 pregnant Indian Squaws, all due to give birth at about the same time.

The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the birthing was done on a deer hide.

The 2nd also gave birth to a boy, but this was done on a bear hide.

And, the third had twins, two boys, and she did this on a hippopotamus hide.

This means that the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.