Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror.

He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old bum ? "

She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

[Raistlin]

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.

Tester: If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits,

how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two

rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Tester: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer,

two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of

beer have you got?

Paddy: Six.

Tester: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another

two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Tester: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is

seven?

Paddy : I've already got one rabbit at home!

[Raistlin]

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,

doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,

musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,

tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

(My 1000th post)

[Raistlin]

How do you get Visual Aids?

From a nasty poke in the eye.

[Raistlin]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman

beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They

are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as

your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your tool is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

[Raistlin]

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

"How am I doing?" He asks.

"Three knots," she replies.

"Three knots? What's that mean?"

"You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the woman behind the counter, "Is there a male pharmacist available?"

"No" she says, "My sister and I own this place and we are both pharmacists.

How can we help you?"

The man steps back, opens his coat revealing this rather large bulge in the front of his pants and says,

"Its been like this for 7 days now, can you give me anything for it?"

"Hmmm", says the woman, "Let me go consult with my sister."

Moments later she returns and says, "OK, we'll give you £400.00 cash and a half interest in the pharmacy."

[Raistlin]

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months ,

I don't like to interrupt her.

[Raistlin]

A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog.

"This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for £ 5.00"

The neighbour said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes.

"Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk.

I used to be the richest trick dog in the world, I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."

"Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk, but why do you want to sell him for just £ 5.00 ?"

"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

[Raistlin]

A wild life photographer goes on an expedition to South America to photograph the legendary and hitherto unseen foo bird.

On the way he attempts to hire porters from a tribe of Pygmy's.

They warn him of the dreaded curse on all who look upon the bird and refuse to join.

Undaunted the intrepid photographer continues to the banks of the Amazon where he sets up a blind and waits.

After several days, lo and behold, a foo bird flies directly over the river.

In a rush of excitement, the photographer rushes out of the blind and snaps off a shot. No sooner has he done this then a huge, evil smelling flock of foo's congregate over his head and completely cover him in guano.

The slimy stuff starts to harden and restrict his breathing. He frantically tries to get the stuff off but to no avail. Finally in desperation, he throws himself into the river. A large crocodile promptly eats him.

The moral?

It the foo sh!ts, wear it.

[Raistlin]

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A rumor

[+Steve]

nice to have some good jokes.. but please make sure they are clean.

Dirty ones will be removed.

[Raistlin]

nice to have some good jokes.. but please make sure they are clean.

Dirty ones will be removed.

No Worries

[Red Yaris 54]

nice to have some good jokes.. but please make sure they are clean.

Dirty ones will be removed.

That will knock your post count down a bit Raistlin ;)

Quality.............not quantity............remember the words of one of our regular members ;)

[GIDDLEPIN]

nice to have some good jokes.. but please make sure they are clean.

Dirty ones will be removed.

nice to have some good jokes.. but please make sure they are clean.

Dirty ones will be removed.

That will knock your post count down a bit Raistlin ;)

Quality.............not quantity............remember the words of one of our regular members ;)

You beat me to it guys ;)

[Raistlin]

Quality.............not quantity............remember the words of one of our regular members ;)

I don't Knorr who you mean..........

[Raistlin]

A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments.

He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion."

The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

[Raistlin]

Why do men take showers instead of baths?

Peeing in the bath is disgusting.

[Raistlin]

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink ?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women ?"

inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for ?"

[gar]

well some of them are funny, and ive noticed that the viewed counter seems to be working fine now

The funniest thing is the moaners are the ones who log in most!!!!

[Raistlin]

well some of them are funny, and ive noticed that the viewed counter seems to be working fine now

The funniest thing is the moaners are the ones who log in most!!!!

Please don't knock the fan base its all I've got...........

[Raistlin]

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back.

Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

[Raistlin]

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

The real question is: How much can the light bulb afford to be screwed for?

[Raistlin]

Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization...

Simply send a 6 x 10 envelope with 50 atoms of Hydrogen in to the Star System at the top of the list,

cross off that star system,

then put your Star System at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other Star Systems.

Within one-tenth of a Galactic Rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!

IT REALLY WORKS!

[Raistlin]

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

The sound of the zipper scares the sheep