Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Easy Training Courses for Women

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Match

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

[Raistlin]

Woman-Speak Translator

1. "We need" I want

2. "This Kitchen is so ____" I want a new house

3. "I want new curtains" and carpet, and furniture, and ...

4. "I need a new pair of shoes" the other 40 are all the wrong color

5. "I only need a soap dish" We'll check out ALL the sale items

6. "Those are a bargain" Did you bring your checkbook?

7. "Does this dress look OK?" I need a new wardrobe

8. "Look at this coat!" Is VISA maxed out?

9. "You're so attentive tonight" Is sex all you ever think about?

10. "It's just... I'm soooo tired" Get away from me, you sex maniac

11. "It's been such a hectic day" Get away from me, you sex maniac

12. "Hon! I just did my hair" Get away from me, you sex maniac

13. "Are the kids asleep?" Get away from me, you sex maniac

14. "Won't you be late for work?" Get away from me, you sex maniac

15. "Turn out the lights first" My thighs looked flabby today

16. "Of course I like making love" Is this gonna take much longer?

17. "You're ... so manly" You need a shave and a shower

18. "You have such a manly scent" For God's sake. Use some deodorant

19. "My, don't you look comfortable" Go put on a shirt, slob

20. "So nice to see you relaxing" Don't sit around in your underwear

21. "I'm not upset!" Of course I'm upset, you moron

22. "I'm not emotional!" You'd be too, if you married an idiot

23. "I'm not mad at all" I can't believe you're that stupid

24. "Yes, I'm still talking to you" I can't believe you're that stupid

25. "I'm not being quiet" I can't believe you're that stupid

26. "No" NO !!! NEVER !!! NO WAY !!!

27. "I'm sorry" You'll be sorry

28. "Do you forgive me?" You'll be sorry

29. "Well, I was upset" You'll be sorry

30. "Well, I was tired" You'll be sorry

[Raistlin]

Corporate Lessons

1. Corporate lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her

shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over

which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly

wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you £ 800 to drop

that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops

her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob

hands her £ 800 and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps up in the

towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her

husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the £ 800 he owes me?"

Finding:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time

with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable

exposure.

2. Corporate lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he

stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and

crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The

priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the

car,he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm

129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced

himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes

from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the

priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance

and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to

retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.

It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Finding:

Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great

opportunity!

3. Corporate Lesson 3

Usually the staff of the company play football.

The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis.

The top management usually has a preference for Golf.

Finding:

As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.

4. Corporate Lesson 4

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to

lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes

out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three

wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the

Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's

gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.

"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal

masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says,"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Finding:

Always let your boss have the first say.

[Raistlin]

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

[Raistlin]

guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the

living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to fix some

drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the

mantel.

He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.

He says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Oh, well, er...I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

[Raistlin]

Why are there so many Jone's in the phone book ?

Because they all have phones.

[Raistlin]

Should you have any questions during the exam, just raise your hand.

This should cause enough blood to flow to your brain to answer it yourself.

[Raistlin]

Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are told to seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are under their wives control and they other for those that control their wives.

After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their are nineteen men in the first line and only one in the second.

The angel walks up to the man and asks why he was so sure of his independence.

"That's easy," said the fellow, "My wife told me to stand here!"

[Raistlin]

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist.

She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely."

"I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me."

"Can you help me accept my ugliness ?"

"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

[Raistlin]

Why is a Launderette a really bad place to pick up a woman ?

Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

[Raistlin]

How come Mexico never has a good Olympic team ?

Because all of the Mexicans that can run, jump, or swim are already in the U.S.

[Raistlin]

How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,

empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe,

humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug,

coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate,

nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply,

accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm,

lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate,

attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend,

coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize,

detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace,

accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead,

borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch,

crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for,

dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine,

cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate,

enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite,

taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on

the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey,

hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if

I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize,

humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free

world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble,

drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate,

indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and

worship, and then go back, jack, and do it again.

How to Satisfy a Man Every Time

Show up naked.

[Raistlin]

The Diet

BREAKFAST

1/2 grapefruit

1 slice whole wheat toast

8 oz glass skim milk

LUNCH

4 oz lean broiled chicken breast

1 cup steamed broccoli

1 chocolate biscuit

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK

The rest of the packet chocolate biscuits

1 tub of Rocky Road ice cream

1 jar hot fudge

DINNER

2 loaves garlic bread

1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza

5 bottles of beer

3 Milky Way bars

1 entire cheesecake

DIET TIPS

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories

2. If you drink a diet soda with a chocolate bar, they cancel each other out.

3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.

4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories; These include any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.

5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage causes the calories to leak out.

6. If you eat food from someone else's plate, the calories don't count.

7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because they are part of the entertainment, and not ones of personal fuel.

[Raistlin]

Good News, Bad News, Worse News

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter

Bad: She keeps interrupting

Worse: With corrections

[Raistlin]

An elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on marrying a women of 30, and would he have any suggestions.

"Yes," says the Doctor, "I would advise you to take in a boarder."

A year later at his 80th year check-up, the Doctor asks how everything is going.

He says fine his wife is pregnant.

The Doctor remarks: "so you took my advise and took in a boarder ?"

"Yes I did, is the reply, and she's pregnant also....."

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between "ooh" and "aah?"

About three inches.

[Raistlin]

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case ?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work ?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

[Raistlin]

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making lorry driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The lorry driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that, Today is the worst day of my life.

First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. So my boss, outraged, fired me.

When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen.

The police, said they could do nothing.

I got a cab to go home, and after I paid the cab driver and after the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife with the gardener.

So I left home and came to this bar.

I was just thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

[Raistlin]

Why is it so hard for women to find kind, sweet, sensitive men in this world ?

Because they already have boyfriends...

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a pub, sits down at the bar, and says to the barman, "cor! I've just had my first blow-job and it was great! -- I'll have a large whiskey please, barman."

The man takes his whiskey and downs it.

"Same again?" asks the barman. "Okay" says the man and downs the second.

He then orders a third and a forth and downs them both.In fact in total he downs 27 whiskeys.

"Do you want another?" asks the barman.

"No I don't think so", says the man, "If 27 whiskeys won't take away the taste I don't think that another one will!"

[Raistlin]

Exercise Or Not To Exercise

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your

life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home

at £5,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we

don't know where the hell she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing

again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about £400. Haven't lost a pound.

Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them

further up our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.

11. I don't jog - it makes the beer jump right out of my glass.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the dyslectic agnostic with insomnia ?

He used to lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog

[Raistlin]

A blonde woman competed with a brunette and redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.

The brunette came in first, the redhead second.

The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.

After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked: "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

[Raistlin]

Why are girls like pianos ?

When they're not upright, they're grand...

[Raistlin]

AMNESIA:

Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.